Monday, June 15, 2009

Limitations and Oversights

I had quite the last few days...
it started on Friday night the anxiety came crashing down causing my body to react. I had broken out from stress and the good old marry monthly that makes my skin all irritated anyway and combined with stress and lack of sleep I got a cold sore. I can not express how much I loathe them! They suck and it's worse when you feel it coming on and there is only so much you can do about them. They hurt and they make me feel like ugly. I was suppose to teach Relief Society this week because we are going to be gone this Sunday. I tried to cover up my infection and it made it worse and as I thought about me teaching the next day I thought how can I do this. Obviously I am already stressed out enough as it is! By about 9:00 Saturday night I could feel another one coming on, at work- how embarrassing! I could not take it anymore and I called Geoff to ask his opinion on the matter. I knew that it would get a hundred times worse if I went to church. I said that the worse thing for me would be to go to church and teach and that I am being humbled by what my body can handle. I simply cannot put anymore stress on my body right now, so I called around and told them my circumstances and said there was no way I could teach. I needed to take care of myself and destress for my health. I finished my shift and came home after midnight.

I need to explain that I have a lot of baggage that I carry along with me and things that I control and that drive me crazy. Geoff thinks I am OCD which I am starting to agree with. I am scared to get evaluated and see the results on paper and have to deal with taking medication. I like to be in control and I know first hand what medications can do for people- good and bad and it freaks me out! I am a highly sensitive person and I have serious side effects to some meds. I will never forget this one medication that I tried for something as simple as producing milk when I had Jackson. I have problems in lactating and it's easy for me to dry up so I tried these meds and I have never been so messed up in my life! I could not sit still, my hands would shake and I would have anxiety so bad that my brain was racing along with my heart. I would feel like I was going to freak out and cry, but I couldn't even manage to do that. After a few days of feeling this and getting that this in NOT right feeling when the meds would wear off I decided I would never take that stuff again. That was a clear dose of reality- to see and experience for myself what it feels like to have all those emotions racing through me, it wasn't me, I was higher than a kite! I totally understand why people do crazy stuff when they are in that state of mind and why some even kill themselves. It is such a scary thought!

Anyway I allow myself to take on too much, but it's a catch 22- a no win situation because my projects are also my outlets. I love how my friend Kerry has said how her knitting is therapy, well my projects are mine, but I can definitely go overboard. lol. I have a few projects that are going on and I am excited about... like the one with Eve and getting my pictures taken in my wedding dress. I have a friend at work that I talked to about this for a minute and she looked at me like I was crazy! about the wedding dress thing. She said why does that matter? I thought you know she is right to a point. In the whole grand scheme of things it doesn't but you know it does to me! It represents accepting the person I live with daily, the person that I am, the person I never want to be again! Geoff married that person that fit into that dress and I want to be that person, I recognize her! That is my craziness talking, but it is true and honest so there it is. So in other words I wear me down to the point of sickness, yes physically getting sick! When I was prego with Tiger I can't even count all the infections, colds and allergies that went on and it wasn't until I walked out of that hospital after having him that I stopped the woofing cough. It makes me laugh, ha,ha. Man I love that kid! but he wore me out.

I also get fanatick about stuff. It has to be the right way, or done this way and I always end up doing it myself. I have been working out a lot lately not only to work on my body, but because it is therapy, I see clearer and I love the way it makes me feel. I feel empowered and strong, and yes it makes me look dead sexy! ha,ha!! I am only kidding...a little. I guess I love myself sometimes. It's like I zone in on the imperfections and they make me feel depressed and awful. I said this to G and he said well is this a realistic goal? This made me think..., but can I be a beautiful image of myself and be realistic as well? I am trying! I know my husband loves me and I need to see that love daily. I am so thankful that he won't end a conversation without telling me he loves me. He must know I need this! I have family members that do not have this and I feel sad that I have so many problems and I have a husband who stands by me and loves me unconditionally! Heck he wanted me with cold sores! It amazes me that we have been together for so long and through so much and yet we stand by eachother through thick and thin. When I am able to see clearer and feel his love it envelopes me, I tell myself we chose eachother! I don't want to be that couple when the kids all leave and you have to discover eachother all over again because you will be different. No wonder so many marriages don't work out! You have to experience life together, live and love and accept and grow...TOGETHER. Satan was really working on me to see our differences and that is what he wants for us, to feel alone and different.

I was watching Harry Potter yesterday and it was the last one. Luny Lynn I think it was, was talking to Harry about how the evil one wears us down to feel so alone and appart from everyone else because it is an easier fight, we are more defenceless. And yet Harry learns in the end that he has his happy memories and his friends most of all the love that he feels for others and the love that they have for him and it conquers all. Because evil does not understand love, he does not speak that language. I love watching movies and finding these amazing quotes and just sitting and pondering on their meaning and how influencial they are.

I am taking a crack at the glass half full attempt and creating a list in my head for all the simple pleasures in my life.

I love first the family that I have been blessed with.

My horny husband who makes me feel wanted. lol

Eve- for how I just sit there and look at her and think ...O MY GOSH WE CREATED HER! she really is georgous! She is so pretty and I think that is half of me so I must be beautiful too!
I love that she is the way she is, just like her daddy even though it is hard for me to get sometimes or handle. She is caring and loving and when she sees me cry she hurts along with me and feels my pain. She is a mini mommy. She is a crative brain just like me and I think it is wonderful because I understand her! I love her more than she will ever know!

Jackson- for how much be bandaged so many wounds when he was born. I cried so much out of joy the day I went to the ultrasound and saw that third little leg. lol. He has been my angel, my momma's boy and I love him to bits. He was a dream I always had wished for even though I didn't even know it myself. He always makes me laugh and lights up a room with his funny faces and spectacular dance moves- my favorite being the robot. And most of all I can always count on him for loves. ( loves are something that is hard for me, to be affectionate...ever since my abuse I have never been the same and I feel like I have to give a part of myself when I am hugged. I know it is weird, but it's how I feel. like I have to guard myself and always be prepared. The only people I can do this with is Geoff and sometimes the kids, but when I get emotions mixed up I have to fource myself to accept hugs and loves and that is about it.

Manti, he is so wonderful! I totally thought he was going to be a girl, there was no hesitation, but then the sickness didn't go away and only got worse and then it dawned on me..what if it's not a girl?! I laid there at the ultrasound and the tech looked at me and said do you see what I see? All I could say was are you sure???? Tears just rolled down my face because I was so happy that God knew who belonged to our little family. He is my little Tiger in everyway. I love that he has so many expressions and so many funny sounds that make me giggle. I love his cuddly body and squshable tummy, it is hard not to eat him up! He is a good mix of the two of us on the outside as well as the inside. He makes me smile and brings joy to my days and it is hard to get angry with him sometimes because he is just so dang cute! I love my boys!

I am thankful for the body that Heavenly Father created for me and only me. I need to use it with disgression, to take care of it and understand it's brilliance.
I am grateful for my curves, that I am womanly!
I am thankful for my interests and perseveirance that I teach myself until I learn.
I love that I am stylish and love clothes and am into unique and lovely things.
I love that if I calculate correctly for my ensambles and make up and hair that I could look like I stepped out of the 1940's. MY FAVORITE OF ALL DECADES.
I am eternally thankful for my talents! Without them I would not have the life I do. I have carved my life with my talents and use them daily or try to anyway.
I am grateful for the skills that I inherited from my Dad, to work with my hands and not be affraid to get dirty.
I am thankful for the strength that my mother gave me in my genes, to carry on and make do.
I am thankful for the beautiful earth that has been created for us and how I can experience it.
There is so much and I could go on and on. All in all I am overall grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel and how the Atonement saves my life and always me to be with my family forever. What a wonderful and blessed thing, to be with our loved ones forever! My family is my home.

6 comments:

foreverfamily said...

There is opposition in all things. We are meant to experience anxiety and control issues so we can recognize and overcome our weaknesses. Not everything needs meds. It's just life and we have the Atonement to heal us of all our infirmities and shortcomings.
@ byubroadcasting.org look up: "Christ-Centered Healing from Depression and Low Self-Worth"
Speaker: Carrie Wrigley
Event: BYU Education Week 2005
Date Given: August 15, 2005
Remember, to be careful with labeling yourself OCD. With my migraines a friend gave me great advice. Migraines are just a funny hat that I can take on and off. It isn't who I am. It isn't my identity. It doesn't control me. Check out that talk!

Light & Shadow said...

Sarah, this was a beautiful post. It is terrifying being open and honest because you leave yourself vulnerable to judgment and criticism. I think you are incredibly brave. I love the things you listed about yourself, because I see them every day in you. I think that Heavenly Father has always stressed a grateful heart because He knows how healing it can be. Reading your words made me see the scriptural doctrine of gratitude with different eyes. If we are unable to see the good gifts He as given us, we will be overcome by the evil and depression in this world. The baggage you talk about can get so heavy and exhausting to carry around. Satan wants to break our spirits with that baggage.

I just want you to know that I admire you and support you in all that you are going through. Sometimes labels are the first step in seeing the truth and getting the help we need.

Robert said...

You already have a pretty powerful grip on what sets you off, on what brings you down. For me, that was a lot of the battle. That makes you a strong and a very brave person.

I had my first major depressive episode during puberty, which was quickly followed by being sexually abused. I went 33 years "weathering" it out or "manning it out", becasue that is supposedly what we are supposed to do. Finally, Lisa forced me to seek help, to put a name to my malady, becasue names aren't labels, they are places to start from ( you can't take a trip from point A to point B without knowing their names) because I had given up and thought that suicide was probably the best answer.

Seeking help, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, and chemically carries a stigma that it shouldn't. There are reasons that our understanding of brainfunction vs. behavior and brain chemistry vs. behavior have mad such great strides in recent years.

I take medication--sometimes i really hate it. It has a lot of side effects, but the good effects so far outweigh the bad side effects, that i am sure I'll probably be on some of them for the rest of my life.

A few years before my sweet angel little sister died, she was diagnosed with severe OCD. Behavior modification therapy and a GOOD doctor who can get you on the Right combination of meds can work wonders. I know the las few years of her life were a lot easier because of the help she received.

Its great you can still see all of the blessings you have, even when life is black and overwhelming. It is a Godsend you have Geoff, but then I am sure Geoff sees you in the same way in his life. I am sure he sees himself as a lucky man.

Know this, too. Our sweet Ethan still remembers you and Geoff ans his primary teachers. he was effected and touched by the both of you--the Lord lifted him up, but He did it through the two of you and your love and compassion for him. I'll always be grateful for that.

Hang in there, we are all cheering for you.

Kerry said...

Sarah, it sounds like you are very aware of yourself. that is a place that some people never come to. I admire your ability to have your priorities so well aligned. Although we need to fulfill our callings, we also need to stop when it becomes too much.

I think Jared Franson has a laser than can zap cold sores away when you first get that tingle. I get them from stress to. (I got one the night before I got married!) They are miserable little suckers. Next time I get that tingle, I am dang sure gonna be on the phone to Franson Dentist.

I know I harp a little on the church 12 step group, but it specifically mentions ocd as something that can be helped by it. Take a look at the workbook on the church social services website. It is a 12 step workbook to applying the atonement to your life. I just LOVE it. (can you tell)

I hope you can feel the love and support of those of us around you. We all have our own hurts and battles, but I feel so much love extended to me by those who give what little extra they have.

I am rambling, but I wanted to comment, and send some good feelings your way.

Swangerlings said...

I am so thankful for all your comments.
I am so grateful that I have this outlet that I can open myself up to and feel more free to speak my mind and open up my heart.
I really feel this has been therapy for me in many ways...so I thank you all a million times over! It is so easy for me to separate myself away from the "normal Mormon culture" because of the choices that I have made and in return the consequences and the situations that led to such horrendous acts that I have to carry around with me. I have learned that I will have them, those memories FOREVER, they do not simply erase, but they can be managed. After all I am human. I knew something was happening, not right and I could feel the adversary testing me and my family and for months now I didn't know why and now I do. I have pain and anguish so deep inside that whenever that door opens I can not be, I cannot manage through the day and I can't do it anymore. I feel I have taken the first step in saying it out loud and not dismissing or misjudging it' ir its a name or a label I will take it because in that I know I am not alone and there are others that know the pain that I hold daily. I am what I am and what has been has been and has happened. I have to seek for help and you all are angels to me. I have felt so much pain that my heart literally felt like it was broken in half, that my body was handicap, because my feelings take over and consume. I am in awe of you Robert to open up about such issues because it is such a gruesome topic that you had no control over. It is hard for me sometimes to accept that God allows such things to happen to the innocent, but then where would our free agency go? My closest sister deals with this everyday- she is a child phycologist/ social worker and I KNOW SHE IS A GODSEND! I tell her all the time that I could never do that, I would never be able to separate the two- work and home. A big problem with me is I am emotional and I internalize things and so I feel other's pain, I hurt with them too! I am grateful that I have seemed to pass that on to Eve because I think it is a Christlike quality, I try to be like him after all HE suffered bled and died FOR ME! Just saying bring me to tears. Again thank you all for being my friend and being so compassionate.
Oh, sorry for the book.lol

Jessica said...

I love you Sarah! Just know that you are not alone. You have so many friends and family around you who are willing to help and be a support.
Just know that there is nothing wrong with needing medication. I myself am not sane with out it. Sometimes it takes a while and a lot of patience to find the right medications and balance but it is definately worth it in the end!
I'm here to talk if you ever need it!