Sunday, March 14, 2010

My sister

Ah man it's been a whirl wind over here and I can't seem to get my barrings. I literally feel like I am being tossed to and fro and there is no dry land in sight. My course is day by day and I am ultimately subjected by the waves that surround me. I have to say how thankful I am to my husband for understanding that there are days where I can barely take care of myself and that is where he steps in with love and charity. I have felt like I need to breathe fresh clean air and can't find it...there is no breath deep enough to subside, calm and take the anxiety away. I have the little therapist in my ear coaching me, but when you can't even focus it seems like an unreachable task.

We received some serious news about my sister's short she has results from her MRI. They found she has a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. When she called I couldn't grasp it...WHAT? It figures..because she ALWAYS has health problems. I just feel so much for her and for her family. We are talking intensely major surgery! There are some good things that they found out apparently, but all in all it is a very scary thing. I have become really close to this sister and I would easily say she has become one of my very best friends. I have only 2 sisters that I really have revealed my heart and soul to and she is one of them. I love her sooooo much! After I got off the phone it took a little while to set in and then came the tears and immediate sickness in the pit of my stomach, which still has not gone away. It has been a few days and my heart physically hurts and it brings me such sadness. I am trying to be as positive as possible because she still has yet to find a specialist and figure out where to go from there.

I am asking myself questions...What are you going to take from this? Are you learning what really matters? How can you help? What would you feel like if that was you? How can you be the most compassionate being where you am at in my life.

I am beginning to understand things a little more clearer and the days are passing and finding strength when I get to my knees in prayer. We already know that no matter what it truly is up to God and we can only rely on our Savior to get us through. Through trials it seems hard to remember that God did not inflict this upon us for some sort of revenge, empowerment or because we think we deserved it.. HE is our is simply LIFE-A TEST IN AND OF ITSELF. Ultimately HE is allowing such things for our benefit- to be closer to him.