Friday, June 26, 2009

Vacation's Party Starting Right....

Hello there!
I have to start by saying that I already miss you all. It feels like it has been a while since I have seen a lot of you.

I have been quite a busy girl and trying to get stuff done and get better in a lot of ways.

I have to start by saying I love UNDERSTANDING!~ How great it is to finally get stuff and what a comforting feeling comes with it. I am forcing myself to de-stress and manage time and energy factoring in my limitations and it has been working. WAHOO!

It has been a constant roller coaster ride and leaving me freaking out wondering when my turn was up or at least when I could get off of this one and get on a new one. lol

Everything has been really good the past week except for I got nasty sick a couple days ago with this whole nauseous vertigo eye problem. But after G gave me a blessing and a couple hours of more r and r I was much better.

My husband is so sweet and loving. I was in the tub and could not even bear to get out with out falling over and he carried me out and brought me to the bed. (note that yes I was naked, but it was not the situation in which he would be fantasizing about.) After a few moments, I felt like that did it alone and I had to gather my strength to run to the bathroom while he was still in the room. Oh well! What happens, happens and you get over it. After all he has seen me have our 3 children. Instead of going away he came over to me while I was puking my guts out and rubbed my back and was so concerned for me. I felt so bad because I had to go back in bed and lay straight on my back and not pay attention to the kids. G had gotten home from work and had to watch them more than usual. I just said how sorry I was that I got sick and how bad I felt that he couldn't sleep because the kids where freaking out. (oh yeah, Manti had a fever for a couple days and has been screaming everyday and only wanting me to hold him too. So this of course did not help~!) He said don't feel bad, but I did. He does so much for me and picks up so much of my slack with the kids lately because I have not been able to handle it all.

I feel like I have been in a room with a bunch of people and me sitting in a corning feeling inept to get up and assert myself, so it's nice to start to get past it.

I have many pictures to come that I did not have time to put on here so they will be coming...

It was really nice to have a short shift on Yesterday and say SEE YA! IN 11 DAYS! We shipped out early at 9:00 P.M. and arrived in Utah around 10:00 after a couple stops. I am so happy to be here and see my wonderful sister Amber and her family, but I am a little sad to be here without my Geoff. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I love him and how much I will miss him in 10 days. I know that I will be busy having fun though and that is just what the doctor ordered!

I already was able to see an old friend at dinner time after her shift at work. (Brianne I am sorry again about Manti being a handful, he is not himself lately.) And I am also going to spend the day with my first best friend ever tomorrow and meet her little boy for the first time. I was friends with her when before I was Eve's age and that right there blows my mind...that you can have relationships that last that long and are still connected.

I look forward to seeing everyone later and hope you all are doing well and are safe!

P. S. - Eve is extremely distraught over the passing of Michael Jackson and will only listen to his greatest hits albumn. She also only wants to watch the news for more info...who's kid is this???? lol

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I happened to come across an article from the Ensign today that I haven't read yet, it is in June's issue. The title is HOPE: The Misunderstood Sister.

I love how the Author ( Larry Hiller) took Christ's tributes and make them into a sister form, more of a being, or rather an angel.

There is Faith, Charity and HOPE....
People use the term hope too much and not in the sense that it should be used. He is saying that people tend to demean her and take her for granted.

He states from verses:

"Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience. We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience. And patience, experience; and experience hope; And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

He goes on the talk about a puzzle (the Gospel) -there are things we don't understand. I decided to broaden this to involve my whole perception of my life right now.

He says, " For me, things I don't understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I'm working on. If I don't see where they fit, I put them aside and work on the other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don't see how they fit, I put them aside again. "

These are such wise words and it is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I totally get what he is saying and it can be applied to soo many ways.

He goes on..

" And so one day, as I reexamined this particular puzzle piece, I saw a possible connection I hadn't seen before. When we endure tribulation with faith and patience, what we experience is the Savior's awareness of us and His love for us. We experience them through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter. We receive this witness after the trial of faith."
( Ether 12:6)
When I endure my trials patiently I experience Christ's tender mercies. My trials may continue, but having taken upon me the yoke of Christ, I find Him sharing my yoke, making my burdens bearable, and giving me Hope. I then have the strength to endure....Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience. Hope is serene, she has a a deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. Hope is steady and strong, a friend I am glad to have beside me during my own trials."

I think we can all learn from his words. I know that I learn best from other's experiences and I feel for them and try to understand.

I know that I was to read this article, it's like when you just open the scriptures and read the first verse you come upon and it's exactly what you needed to hear at that moment.

I am at a crossroads in my life and I have picked up that puzzled piece and set it down so many times not understanding how it all fits; BECAUSE IT IS THERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT! Now I have to finish that part before I can go on because otherwise it will serve no purpose and I will loose out on that beautiful picture that's waiting me at the end. I know that through my faith and my wonderful Savior that he can bring me HOPE if I but have the faith and charity; there is not one or the other, they come together- A SISTERHOOD.

I love the meaning of sisterhood. My sister is my angel, I speak of mainly one right now, my sister Amber. I mentioned before that she is a social worker who has her degree in child phicology. She has pretty much done just about everything in her line of work and I know that she does it for a reason and a purpose.. I am proud to call my sister and ANGEL; she brings compassion to those who have been so rejected and missused, abandoned and most of all molested and abused! I love her so much, she is a part of me and I know that I could not go through this life without her and that is why she is my SISTER! I have come to her when I could not even face myself in the mirror, not understanding the feelings that I felt and the reason for them. Through her loving words and acceptance I understand what is not right ( meaning that I needed help, that I have been sooo wounded that I need attention and that it is alright to feel that way and I am not in the wrong. I need to get it out and let go, to manage). She has helped me put the puzzle pieces together and understand where I can put them or rather how I can work on them- figuring it all out. She is the first person that I put my guard down for, for so many things so that I could open my heart and my mind and has made me understand and just be there for me, someone to listen to with NO JUDGMENT! I am so happy that I will see her in just about 1 short week and I need this more than ever. I am sure when I see her I will come to her with open arms and cry my heart out. She is MY sister, she is MY friend and MY angel.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Limitations and Oversights

I had quite the last few days...
it started on Friday night the anxiety came crashing down causing my body to react. I had broken out from stress and the good old marry monthly that makes my skin all irritated anyway and combined with stress and lack of sleep I got a cold sore. I can not express how much I loathe them! They suck and it's worse when you feel it coming on and there is only so much you can do about them. They hurt and they make me feel like ugly. I was suppose to teach Relief Society this week because we are going to be gone this Sunday. I tried to cover up my infection and it made it worse and as I thought about me teaching the next day I thought how can I do this. Obviously I am already stressed out enough as it is! By about 9:00 Saturday night I could feel another one coming on, at work- how embarrassing! I could not take it anymore and I called Geoff to ask his opinion on the matter. I knew that it would get a hundred times worse if I went to church. I said that the worse thing for me would be to go to church and teach and that I am being humbled by what my body can handle. I simply cannot put anymore stress on my body right now, so I called around and told them my circumstances and said there was no way I could teach. I needed to take care of myself and destress for my health. I finished my shift and came home after midnight.

I need to explain that I have a lot of baggage that I carry along with me and things that I control and that drive me crazy. Geoff thinks I am OCD which I am starting to agree with. I am scared to get evaluated and see the results on paper and have to deal with taking medication. I like to be in control and I know first hand what medications can do for people- good and bad and it freaks me out! I am a highly sensitive person and I have serious side effects to some meds. I will never forget this one medication that I tried for something as simple as producing milk when I had Jackson. I have problems in lactating and it's easy for me to dry up so I tried these meds and I have never been so messed up in my life! I could not sit still, my hands would shake and I would have anxiety so bad that my brain was racing along with my heart. I would feel like I was going to freak out and cry, but I couldn't even manage to do that. After a few days of feeling this and getting that this in NOT right feeling when the meds would wear off I decided I would never take that stuff again. That was a clear dose of reality- to see and experience for myself what it feels like to have all those emotions racing through me, it wasn't me, I was higher than a kite! I totally understand why people do crazy stuff when they are in that state of mind and why some even kill themselves. It is such a scary thought!

Anyway I allow myself to take on too much, but it's a catch 22- a no win situation because my projects are also my outlets. I love how my friend Kerry has said how her knitting is therapy, well my projects are mine, but I can definitely go overboard. lol. I have a few projects that are going on and I am excited about... like the one with Eve and getting my pictures taken in my wedding dress. I have a friend at work that I talked to about this for a minute and she looked at me like I was crazy! about the wedding dress thing. She said why does that matter? I thought you know she is right to a point. In the whole grand scheme of things it doesn't but you know it does to me! It represents accepting the person I live with daily, the person that I am, the person I never want to be again! Geoff married that person that fit into that dress and I want to be that person, I recognize her! That is my craziness talking, but it is true and honest so there it is. So in other words I wear me down to the point of sickness, yes physically getting sick! When I was prego with Tiger I can't even count all the infections, colds and allergies that went on and it wasn't until I walked out of that hospital after having him that I stopped the woofing cough. It makes me laugh, ha,ha. Man I love that kid! but he wore me out.

I also get fanatick about stuff. It has to be the right way, or done this way and I always end up doing it myself. I have been working out a lot lately not only to work on my body, but because it is therapy, I see clearer and I love the way it makes me feel. I feel empowered and strong, and yes it makes me look dead sexy! ha,ha!! I am only kidding...a little. I guess I love myself sometimes. It's like I zone in on the imperfections and they make me feel depressed and awful. I said this to G and he said well is this a realistic goal? This made me think..., but can I be a beautiful image of myself and be realistic as well? I am trying! I know my husband loves me and I need to see that love daily. I am so thankful that he won't end a conversation without telling me he loves me. He must know I need this! I have family members that do not have this and I feel sad that I have so many problems and I have a husband who stands by me and loves me unconditionally! Heck he wanted me with cold sores! It amazes me that we have been together for so long and through so much and yet we stand by eachother through thick and thin. When I am able to see clearer and feel his love it envelopes me, I tell myself we chose eachother! I don't want to be that couple when the kids all leave and you have to discover eachother all over again because you will be different. No wonder so many marriages don't work out! You have to experience life together, live and love and accept and grow...TOGETHER. Satan was really working on me to see our differences and that is what he wants for us, to feel alone and different.

I was watching Harry Potter yesterday and it was the last one. Luny Lynn I think it was, was talking to Harry about how the evil one wears us down to feel so alone and appart from everyone else because it is an easier fight, we are more defenceless. And yet Harry learns in the end that he has his happy memories and his friends most of all the love that he feels for others and the love that they have for him and it conquers all. Because evil does not understand love, he does not speak that language. I love watching movies and finding these amazing quotes and just sitting and pondering on their meaning and how influencial they are.

I am taking a crack at the glass half full attempt and creating a list in my head for all the simple pleasures in my life.

I love first the family that I have been blessed with.

My horny husband who makes me feel wanted. lol

Eve- for how I just sit there and look at her and think ...O MY GOSH WE CREATED HER! she really is georgous! She is so pretty and I think that is half of me so I must be beautiful too!
I love that she is the way she is, just like her daddy even though it is hard for me to get sometimes or handle. She is caring and loving and when she sees me cry she hurts along with me and feels my pain. She is a mini mommy. She is a crative brain just like me and I think it is wonderful because I understand her! I love her more than she will ever know!

Jackson- for how much be bandaged so many wounds when he was born. I cried so much out of joy the day I went to the ultrasound and saw that third little leg. lol. He has been my angel, my momma's boy and I love him to bits. He was a dream I always had wished for even though I didn't even know it myself. He always makes me laugh and lights up a room with his funny faces and spectacular dance moves- my favorite being the robot. And most of all I can always count on him for loves. ( loves are something that is hard for me, to be affectionate...ever since my abuse I have never been the same and I feel like I have to give a part of myself when I am hugged. I know it is weird, but it's how I feel. like I have to guard myself and always be prepared. The only people I can do this with is Geoff and sometimes the kids, but when I get emotions mixed up I have to fource myself to accept hugs and loves and that is about it.

Manti, he is so wonderful! I totally thought he was going to be a girl, there was no hesitation, but then the sickness didn't go away and only got worse and then it dawned on me..what if it's not a girl?! I laid there at the ultrasound and the tech looked at me and said do you see what I see? All I could say was are you sure???? Tears just rolled down my face because I was so happy that God knew who belonged to our little family. He is my little Tiger in everyway. I love that he has so many expressions and so many funny sounds that make me giggle. I love his cuddly body and squshable tummy, it is hard not to eat him up! He is a good mix of the two of us on the outside as well as the inside. He makes me smile and brings joy to my days and it is hard to get angry with him sometimes because he is just so dang cute! I love my boys!

I am thankful for the body that Heavenly Father created for me and only me. I need to use it with disgression, to take care of it and understand it's brilliance.
I am grateful for my curves, that I am womanly!
I am thankful for my interests and perseveirance that I teach myself until I learn.
I love that I am stylish and love clothes and am into unique and lovely things.
I love that if I calculate correctly for my ensambles and make up and hair that I could look like I stepped out of the 1940's. MY FAVORITE OF ALL DECADES.
I am eternally thankful for my talents! Without them I would not have the life I do. I have carved my life with my talents and use them daily or try to anyway.
I am grateful for the skills that I inherited from my Dad, to work with my hands and not be affraid to get dirty.
I am thankful for the strength that my mother gave me in my genes, to carry on and make do.
I am thankful for the beautiful earth that has been created for us and how I can experience it.
There is so much and I could go on and on. All in all I am overall grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel and how the Atonement saves my life and always me to be with my family forever. What a wonderful and blessed thing, to be with our loved ones forever! My family is my home.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Beautiful Day!

I woke up this morning, really early might I add to take Eve to the bus stop. Geoff stayed over at work and so it forced me to get up and start my day.

I was surprised to see how sunny and beautiful it is outside and how much it makes me feel happy and cheerier. I know that is a big problem with me is getting up too late and going to bed too late and it was amazing to feel the difference as I started to make myself get into the routine of things. At first I was so tempted to go back to bed and then I made a decision that it would make me have a better attitude if I stayed up and worked out. I was sooo tired starting out and then about 7 mins. in I felt so much better. I haven't worked out in 3 days and that is a lot for me. It is so easy to get out of the routine and my attitude changed very quickly. I am so thankful for my percevierance- working out is thereapy in many ways for me and it keeps me healthy.

Most members in my family do not workout and take care of their bodies and I think this is sad. It is all mental. I love that President Hinckley said that we need to excersise at least 30 mins. a day! And that our bodies are gifts from God and we need to take care of them. I can feel the difference so strongly when I am not doing so. This issue is very important for Geoff and I and we have taught our children this, they see it daily between the both of us. They know it is an individual choice and that it can be done and most of all it is fun!!

My mother has been having failing health and just 2 weeks ago suffered a stroke. When she was in the hospital they found out from the MRI that she has already had 2 or 3 previous strokes and has had damage for many years. I was happy that we were given this knowledge which explains a lot. I bring this up because for me keeping my body healthy not only does just that, but spiritually and mentally it helps emensly- it reduces stress tremendously and it's also a mood regulator. So all in all I am having a good day and I am thankful for the beautiful day that we have so far until the rain comes. ha, ha

Monday, June 8, 2009


What is there to say? I feel like I have been living in a bubble lately and everything just beads off and doesn't quite connect to me. I feel like there is something off and not quite right and it's been really hard for me to accept or rather realize what reality truly is. For some time I have been carrying things that are just too much to bear anymore and it has caught me straight in the face.

I don't mean to be a downer, but it has been really challenging lately and I feel like I am constantly humbled and more like a child everyday. I have to sit back and understand what all this really means. I know Heavenly Father allows things to happen and it's a test to see what we do with what we have been given.

I have been pondering a lot and doing a lot of soul searching. Do we ever really know who we are? I am honestly soooo thankful for the Gospel because that is my foundation and my Savior is my ROCK. I find it really hard to feel the Spirit here and there and yet how can I feel these other very real and all consuming feelings as well?

I am writing about this because I think more people understand than it may seem. I know that I need to honest with myself and start asking for help. I have finally started opening up and talking...that is the first step. I have sat down with my loving husband and let the closet door fly open. I do admit that it was hard, but I feel better saying words out loud. It is easy for me to think something and keep it in my head and continually dismiss it- it got to be too much! I learned a lot about myself as I have talked to him, my sisters and a close friend. I need to somehow conquer my inadequacies and most of all FORGIVE MYSELF. I think there is a fine line there, because I felt like I had, but obviously it is always with me. It is really hard to feel other's love when you don't love yourself. I know with the love of my family and friends that I will get through this and maybe it will even be through just listening and understanding when it comes up. It has been many years and I don't know what the future holds, but I have faith that there is a purpose in all things.

I had 3 best friends in my teenage years that I love dearly (you know who you are.) As I got married and those friends left it was really hard to find friends that I could pour out my soul to. The closest that I got where non member friends from work, who are amazing people, but it became the difficult when they didn't understand my religion. My religion is not just my simple beliefs it is my whole existence, MY LIFE! I will regrettably admit I didn't deal with the situation very well. I retreated and slowly pulled away and made a perfect little bubble for myself feeling wounded and misunderstood. I found myself often crying because I had been blessed with such wonderful friends, but now I am all alone and they are all gone and why can't I make anymore? Isn't is suppose to be eisier when your a grown up? Why did my closest friends have to be nonmembers and shun by religion or important beliefs. I do want to say that they where disrespectful, but I felt like to be apart of their friendship I had to compromise a piece of myself as I hung out with them. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong, I just felt like the odd man out. Picture the only faithful LDS person sitting in the middle of a bar with a bunch of obnochious swearing drunks that were your friends. That is exactly what it felt like. Did I want this anymore? Am I being honest with myslef? I feel overall I made a good decision by stepping away and concentrating on my family and not hanging out with people that made me feel like I had to comprimise who I was, but the retracting part is what comes second nature to me and that is what I fall short on. After this, I would meet or get closer to others, but it always left with a empty feeling, like a shallowness.

I took all this and and asked what do I want with my life? What do I believe? Do I ever want to allow myself to be comprimised? That is when I really found my Savior! I learned so much and was so happy, my testimony was strengthened ten fold. I felt like for the first time I was not imbarressed or ashamed for my beliefs and I would ALWAYS stand up for them! I choose to follow the prophet. I have seen that other life even though I was worthy and not in it, I fully observed it and realized that these people are not happy! At least they happiness that they have is NOT what I want. It is like the kingdoms of heaven.... what am I aspiring for? I know I could be happy here or there, but because of the knowledge that I have been blessed with I know the greatest happiness of all- TO BE WITH MY HEAVENLY FATHER!

For quite a while I thought I am happy, I have my family and a wonderful husband..., but it is not the same, to not have best girl friends. My closest sisters are far away and I know I can always call them, but that is not the same either. I began to be really sad and wonder why am I not making any close friends? I decided that it was important enough to specifically ask Heavenly Father for special friends.

Today we had our Relief Society conference during the last part of church and it all was confirmed to me of how blessed I am. Like I had said before I have been having a hard time and I talked to a now close friend about it. I decided that when she came over a couple weeks ago that I would not bring it up because it was too painful and I also didn't know how to say it out loud. What would she think of me? Once it's out I have to face it. She ended up asking me what was going on and how was I doing. I didn't really want to talk about it and then I let my guard down and let it go. Between they tears I really felt her simpathy and love and that she earnestly cared. For the first time in years I found a special friend! We talked for a while and I felt better afterward. She was going on a trip and I knew I wouldn't see her for a little while and I needed her help with something and so I invited her family over for dinner on Tuesday night. As we were hustling and buslting around with all the kids it finally dawned on me how my prayer had been answered- it was through visiting teaching!

About 2 years ago I got her name on my route and I had never seen or heard of her before. I called her up for visiting teaching and we kinda clicked after that. I even was all by myself for visiting teaching for months and I know now that is the way it had to be. I learned that my friend was so much like me, we had kids that acted the same, basically we understood each other and that is what I needed most of all. I for so long still felt like the odd man out among the LDS sisters and when we would open up to each other I felt like I wasn't so different after all. So as I reflected on our meeting during a quiet moment it all made sense. She came into the room and I said, " You know, if it wasn't for visiting teaching we never would have been friends like this... and that is all we needed was just to meet because we never see each other at church because of our callings. I am really thankful for visiting teaching!" She agreed and we just kinda laughed. So when we had our lesson today there was a little play about connections that we can have through visiting teaching and all I could think about was her friendship and how much she had helped me by just being there for me and caring. I am truly grateful for my Heavenly Father who watches over me and my Savior who carries me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

May Days

These are my new running shoes that I found for about 60% off after their discount and my coupon at Sport's Authority(they were originally $135.00 so I scored!) I am quite excited because I outran my old shoes and I started to roll in them and about twisted my ankle a couple times. These are Asics and I never have used them before so I was ready to try something new and that curved with my feet for my stability. So far they are great for running and Turbo Jam and all that stuff.

We had a mother daughter activity with my friend Marissa and her daughter Madison. We made jewelry and beautiful flower pens.

I found exactly what we have been looking for! A solid wood dinning table with a leaf and 4 chairs! I was so happy to find this jewel at Goodwill of all places for a steal of a deal. I am in the process of sanding them right now so that I can paint them black to keep up with the kids. And the chair pads are already reupholstered in a fabric that is in a picture down below.

Even the chairs are really sturdy and have this great molding detail that is so pretty.

This is my dining room table right now full of projects to be finished with more enhancements to come. All I see are feathers and more feathers! lol (hint, hint!)

This is the lace for my lace cape for my Cinderella dress.

I found these scrap fabrics at Fabric Depot and I thought they would make a beautiful skirt for Eve and it would be perfect for the "BIG PROJECT".

More props!

This is gorgeous two toned taffeta fabric for the "SPECIAL DRESS" I am making Eve- which goes along with the project. lol

Anything AQUA is Eve's favorite color in the whole word and it goes so well with her beautiful blue eyes.

Props.... hhhmmm, buttons, feathers, feather pads, and yes white birds. I am pulling out the stops!.

I found these pillows for only $5.00 at walmart which was way cheaper than buying pillow forms for my much needed new pillows in the other room. The fabric on the pillow is what I used to reupulster the chairs with. It looks FABULOUS! if I don't say so myself. he,he,he I also bought the other fabric for either a bench to go with it or for future bar chairs or maybe even a bench style bar chair would be awesome.

I can't take too many pictures of this cuteness.

He is irresistable.

Sorry I kind of went backwards with these pictures. On the holiday we had a BBQ on Sunday with mine and Geoff's family. Mim's birthday was the next day and his grandma's was that Tuesday so we party hartyd!

Eve and Mim went to Pary City and bought some fun supplies, all LADYBUG stuff.

Granny asked for some candy from Jackson and he said no to her, it was histerical! We were all laughing so hard because he was dead serious and she asked him about 3 times and wouldn't give in. It was hard not to laugh so much.

Eve is reaping her rewards.

Jackson needed quite a bit of help as you can see.

I had to tell Geoff how to NOT USE YOUR CHILDREN when trying to break a pinata.

Playing some wicked ball!

This was Eve's talent show and she was so cute. No one was dancing and so she took controll and started and then the other two girls follwed. They danced to Hannah Montana's new song.

All prepared in her Hannah shirt in what else?, but Aqua! lol

It has been a month! A crazy one, but it had a lot of good points, but I am ready to move on to June with bigger and better things to come. There is Father's Day coming and school lets out right before that and then we are going up to see our friends Jared and Erin. They live in Tacoma and they are having their baby blessed on Father's Day. I am soooo excited to see them since they moved and we have to grab the chance to go when we can. Finally on the 26 we will arrive in Utah!!! I can't wait to see my sister Amber, I love her sooooo much! It kills to have my best friend so far away. I am so thankful that she is a phone call away when I need her and I know she is always there for me and understands me more than anyone else I know. Well we will have more pictures later! See ya!