Monday, June 8, 2009


What is there to say? I feel like I have been living in a bubble lately and everything just beads off and doesn't quite connect to me. I feel like there is something off and not quite right and it's been really hard for me to accept or rather realize what reality truly is. For some time I have been carrying things that are just too much to bear anymore and it has caught me straight in the face.

I don't mean to be a downer, but it has been really challenging lately and I feel like I am constantly humbled and more like a child everyday. I have to sit back and understand what all this really means. I know Heavenly Father allows things to happen and it's a test to see what we do with what we have been given.

I have been pondering a lot and doing a lot of soul searching. Do we ever really know who we are? I am honestly soooo thankful for the Gospel because that is my foundation and my Savior is my ROCK. I find it really hard to feel the Spirit here and there and yet how can I feel these other very real and all consuming feelings as well?

I am writing about this because I think more people understand than it may seem. I know that I need to honest with myself and start asking for help. I have finally started opening up and talking...that is the first step. I have sat down with my loving husband and let the closet door fly open. I do admit that it was hard, but I feel better saying words out loud. It is easy for me to think something and keep it in my head and continually dismiss it- it got to be too much! I learned a lot about myself as I have talked to him, my sisters and a close friend. I need to somehow conquer my inadequacies and most of all FORGIVE MYSELF. I think there is a fine line there, because I felt like I had, but obviously it is always with me. It is really hard to feel other's love when you don't love yourself. I know with the love of my family and friends that I will get through this and maybe it will even be through just listening and understanding when it comes up. It has been many years and I don't know what the future holds, but I have faith that there is a purpose in all things.

I had 3 best friends in my teenage years that I love dearly (you know who you are.) As I got married and those friends left it was really hard to find friends that I could pour out my soul to. The closest that I got where non member friends from work, who are amazing people, but it became the difficult when they didn't understand my religion. My religion is not just my simple beliefs it is my whole existence, MY LIFE! I will regrettably admit I didn't deal with the situation very well. I retreated and slowly pulled away and made a perfect little bubble for myself feeling wounded and misunderstood. I found myself often crying because I had been blessed with such wonderful friends, but now I am all alone and they are all gone and why can't I make anymore? Isn't is suppose to be eisier when your a grown up? Why did my closest friends have to be nonmembers and shun by religion or important beliefs. I do want to say that they where disrespectful, but I felt like to be apart of their friendship I had to compromise a piece of myself as I hung out with them. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong, I just felt like the odd man out. Picture the only faithful LDS person sitting in the middle of a bar with a bunch of obnochious swearing drunks that were your friends. That is exactly what it felt like. Did I want this anymore? Am I being honest with myslef? I feel overall I made a good decision by stepping away and concentrating on my family and not hanging out with people that made me feel like I had to comprimise who I was, but the retracting part is what comes second nature to me and that is what I fall short on. After this, I would meet or get closer to others, but it always left with a empty feeling, like a shallowness.

I took all this and and asked what do I want with my life? What do I believe? Do I ever want to allow myself to be comprimised? That is when I really found my Savior! I learned so much and was so happy, my testimony was strengthened ten fold. I felt like for the first time I was not imbarressed or ashamed for my beliefs and I would ALWAYS stand up for them! I choose to follow the prophet. I have seen that other life even though I was worthy and not in it, I fully observed it and realized that these people are not happy! At least they happiness that they have is NOT what I want. It is like the kingdoms of heaven.... what am I aspiring for? I know I could be happy here or there, but because of the knowledge that I have been blessed with I know the greatest happiness of all- TO BE WITH MY HEAVENLY FATHER!

For quite a while I thought I am happy, I have my family and a wonderful husband..., but it is not the same, to not have best girl friends. My closest sisters are far away and I know I can always call them, but that is not the same either. I began to be really sad and wonder why am I not making any close friends? I decided that it was important enough to specifically ask Heavenly Father for special friends.

Today we had our Relief Society conference during the last part of church and it all was confirmed to me of how blessed I am. Like I had said before I have been having a hard time and I talked to a now close friend about it. I decided that when she came over a couple weeks ago that I would not bring it up because it was too painful and I also didn't know how to say it out loud. What would she think of me? Once it's out I have to face it. She ended up asking me what was going on and how was I doing. I didn't really want to talk about it and then I let my guard down and let it go. Between they tears I really felt her simpathy and love and that she earnestly cared. For the first time in years I found a special friend! We talked for a while and I felt better afterward. She was going on a trip and I knew I wouldn't see her for a little while and I needed her help with something and so I invited her family over for dinner on Tuesday night. As we were hustling and buslting around with all the kids it finally dawned on me how my prayer had been answered- it was through visiting teaching!

About 2 years ago I got her name on my route and I had never seen or heard of her before. I called her up for visiting teaching and we kinda clicked after that. I even was all by myself for visiting teaching for months and I know now that is the way it had to be. I learned that my friend was so much like me, we had kids that acted the same, basically we understood each other and that is what I needed most of all. I for so long still felt like the odd man out among the LDS sisters and when we would open up to each other I felt like I wasn't so different after all. So as I reflected on our meeting during a quiet moment it all made sense. She came into the room and I said, " You know, if it wasn't for visiting teaching we never would have been friends like this... and that is all we needed was just to meet because we never see each other at church because of our callings. I am really thankful for visiting teaching!" She agreed and we just kinda laughed. So when we had our lesson today there was a little play about connections that we can have through visiting teaching and all I could think about was her friendship and how much she had helped me by just being there for me and caring. I am truly grateful for my Heavenly Father who watches over me and my Savior who carries me.


foreverfamily said...

Isn't the Plan of Happiness wonderful! The chinese don't have a character for the word crisis. They combine the two words danger and opportunity to mean crisis. We are here to make choices and to learn and grow. As you reach out you'll find you're not alone in the feelings and desires you have. We need connections-friends, family-they are the guide posts on our eternal path, our safe havens, our refreshment, our joy. they help remind us who we are and let us be/find our true self.

Light & Shadow said...

Sarah, I understand completely what you are feeling and saying. I don't know what it is about our bubbles, but they keep out the joy as well as the pain. I don't know why we create them, but I think the fear of being judged is a large part. As far as women in the church go, I think we all feel the same way. We see each other on Sundays and think that everyone else is doing life better.

The truth is, we are all struggling. When someone can break the wall of silence and actually talk about having struggles, it makes everyone more honest and free. Thank you for sharing your struggles. It is a very brave thing for you to do. Openness and honesty are so healing for everyone.

I mean, we are to bear one another's burden. How can we do that if we don't know what they are? We are wasting time building our bubbles. We need to let others help shoulder our burden just as much as we need to serve them. It is a beautiful process, this learning to receive love. I'm just barely beginning to try it out, to really experience love coming back at me, but it is the most difficult thing for me to learn. I have had to give up my pride and feelings of unworthiness and let their love wash over me. I can't say I'm very good at it, yet, but when it happens, it is beautiful.

Swangerlings said...

It is so true! Also in our bubble we see a somewhat altered perception of ourselves like a strange mirror whereas when the person on the outside looks in they only see the person standing there,not the bubble and not the altered image. Like I have said before...I am my worst enemy or rather someone really knows my weaknesses. Thank you for being honest and sharing- both of you!

Kerry said...

you are brave beyond words.

Mama Nash said...

I am in a protective bubble too.....It is hard to break out of it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, that is very very brave!

Swangerlings said...

Thanks Kerry and Melissa! I don't feel brave, more like humbled. I can't pretend to be brave anymore and have to be honest and let it go. I feel so much better now.