Swanger Family Update

Oh my goodness it has been such a long time!!!! Lets see.... Eve and Jackson both go to Hazel Dell elem. and it is good, but quite a transition. It is crazy to see my big guy in K and my first in 3rd grade...I REMEMBER 3RD GRADE!!!!! That is when you know you are truly getting older. Eve is now 9 and Jackson is 6.

We are still living in Geoff's parent's house and we are very blessed to do so. We make it work. It is nice not having all the responsibilities of a home owner on me right now in my life and I don't know when I will able to do so either. We will probably be in a transitional period for quite some time. I cannot quite explain what I feel and what I know is best for our family. We just want to become a stronger family and bring ourselves to Christ. Our life is so complicated making us detour from which we really want....time with each other. We are renting out our house and the last change was changing wards and going to 1st which is in the boundaries. I am having a little bit of a hard time with this new ward, but I know that this change was time. The ward is very dry and although I have found a couple warm spirits I feel very lonely and on my own. The meetings are different and I don't mean to knock it, but the spiritualness that I felt in my old ward was so much stronger and I find I have to really depend on my own personal testimony for strength. It is all a learning experience and I know it's a part of the refining process.

Geoff is looking into a profession which has just kind of crept up on us this past year and now we are both feeling really good about it. If everything goes well and we still feel this is right than he can start school as soon as Jan. 3rd. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father will provide a way!! I am normally a basketcase and yet I have had complete peace though out all our struggles and this life changing decision. It is amazing to me to look back on the past year and see all the changes that have happened and what has fallen into place. I've learned most of all this year that the eternal importances are the only things worth really worrying about.

We have only until the end of the month until we go on our big vacation to Florida!! :)
We are leaving on the 30th which is Manti's 3rd birthday. We will return after the 12th of Dec. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary on Dec. 2nd and going to Harry Potter park (us only) and then Disney World with the family. G's parents are coming back at the end of the first week with Eve and Jackson so that G and I can go to Key West for the remainder of the trip and visit his sister who lives there with her family. We will have Tiger with us and we will have so much fun! Hopefully the monster side of him will stay with the house while we are gone, but I know that is asking for a miracle.

I can't believe we are staring at Thanksgiving already!! And then the craziness of Black Friday (which I don't know if I will be participating in this year) and then we leave and when we come back it will be Christmas around the corner. I actually am almost done with Christmas. I got my kids done a month and a half ago! That is just pure craziness for me, but now with all the business of our everyday lives I am so grateful that that oportunity fell in my lap. Then it will be New Years and G will start school... hopefully!! At that point a huge change will happen for me and that is going down to 2 shifts a week, that is half of what I work currantly. Next month I will have been working at OB for 12 years!!!!! So this change is really gigantic for me and for our family and for my marriage. I will try 2 and if it doesn't work than 1 and if that still doesn't work than I am totally willing to part with it in my determination for a better life and most of all a stronger family. I have known for some time that I am nearing the end of my profession and this chapter in my life is almost done. I don't want to work anymore, I dream of being home with my family. I know that is so hard to do this, but it will be worth it. I just want G to choose a profession that he will be happy with and that he can prosper and grow while providing enough for me to not to ever HAVE to work. We know that we have to take steps backwards before we can go in this direction.

Blue Luxx

I am having a hair accessories/ jewelry open house this Friday the 27th and Saturday the 28th from 11:30-2:00 both days. There is something for all ages and from all different prices, but everything is wholesale and much, much less than you would pay for in any retail. Most of my items are silver and gold and are high quality. If you are interested please come and tell anyone who you think would be interested. Location is 8712 NE 35TH AVE.

I have listed items on my fun creative blog @ sassychicstyle.blogspot.com

Also email me if you have any questions BLUE LUXX by SAS @ sasevechiclive.com

Thanks, SAS

I am just letting you know I am still here.... well somewhat.

Life is a transition I don't ever think I will get used to. I feel like I am several people packed into this body with all different kinds of emotions, thoughts and personalities and my brain is trying to juggle them all. I am tired... oh so tired!!!

I don't know what I want to do with my life and I am growing tired of the one I am living and I am only 30 years old.. this is quite sad. I am worn out and I need direction. I love my family and without them I would be lost entirely. I have a wonderful husband that seems to love me to no end and can't picture his future without me. I have 3 wonderfully unique and crazy kids that I adore. I will say that G and I do make some dang good look'n kids. he,he,he

I am unsettled and I do not like it, no I do not like it one bit!!! I am a planner and an avid organizer for those that don't know me too much. I like things color coordinated, put in specific places, organized by item....I like walls...space...it allows me to breath fully. My body cannot physically handle stress anymore and I get horribly sick to the point of pretty much non functioning. I am just venting here people- I haven't done it in a while and it feels good. I am learning I am not the only person in this world that feels these certain things.

I had a difficult time last night, it really sunk in. I understand all too well the misery that one can feel from depression. After shedding many tears I made myself go to sleep and just sat there while my thoughts turned to Randy's face and what pain can really do to you. I understand it and I am so grateful to have that understanding. Through this I know my Savior more and know what his Atonement really offers all of us.

I woke up this morning to a hymn in my head, something that never usually happens and I know it was the Spirit giving me comfort.

I STAND ALL AMAZED AT THE LOVE JESUS OFFERS ME.....CONFUSED AT THE GRACE THAT SO FULLY HE PROFFERS ME..THAT FOR ME A SINNER HE SUFFERED HE BLED AND DIED... OH IT IS WONDERFUL THAT HE SHOULD CARE FOR ME ENOUGH TO DIE FOR ME....OH IT IS WONDERFUL , WONDERFUL TO ME!
TO RESCUE A SOUL SO REBELLIOUS AND PROUD AS MINE...THAT HE SHOULD EXTEND HIS GREAT LOVE UNTO SUCH AS I... SUFFICIENT TO OWN TO REDEEM AND TO JUSTIFY...SUCH MERCY, SUCH LOVE AND DEVOTION CAN I FORGET?.. NO, NO I WILL PRAISE AND ADORE AT THE MERCY SEAT...UNTIL AT THE GLORIFIED THRONE I KNEEL AT HIS FEET....OH IT IS WONDERFUL THAT HE SHOULD CARE FOR ME ENOUGH TO DIE FOR ME...OH IT IS WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL TO ME!

Today has been a day that I would never want to relive. There are so many things thoughts that are racing through my brain and yet I am empty. I just wanted to share a quote that I found today that brought me comfort..."It is NEVER too late for peace". I believe this with ALL my heart and I know that God wants this for us. HE loves us more that we can even comprehend. Our Savior suffered for us and took that upon HIM so that we would not have to, but as we all know life does not happen the way that we want or think it should. All I am saying is that there is so much grace when we seek for it. God is loving and God is merciful! The only thing that brings me comfort is that my brother in law is now finaly at peace and can actually feel pure and unconditional love.

June 11th

I feel like saying...I give up! I give up on trying soooo hard! I seem to do it try to do it all and then when I realize that it's too much I don't do it at all. I desire to keep up with my blog and my dreams and projects and then I have no energy left. We have been moving so fast and if that's not enough we have all been sick off and on. We can't seem to catch a break!

My sisters Amber and Linsy where able to come and visit me for a while with little Emily. The situation was quite different to say the least. The first day Amber said...Sarah, do you every miss your house? I replied..NO! She said REALLY?! I DO! lol....so funny. It is hard to explain, but there is a time and a season for everything and I just know without a doubt that we where supposed to leave the house. I am however learning that hard way that I need to pick and choose my battles. This house that we are in is not mine and it is hard to be in a space that is not organized like I am used to. I am not saying that my house was perfect by any means, it's just different all together. I like things neat and tidy and you can't simply do that with little children. WHERE IS THE BALANCE???? This is my struggle.

I am on racing speed and I am going out of control. I know that I have an addiction problem and it is filling the space that evolves within me. Whether it is food, shopping, organizing, cleaning etc. they all feed it. I need to put myself in productive timeouts where I give myself genuine TLC. It sounds dorky, but it works. We spend all day cleaning, mending, washing, feeding, etc...we really need to set a certain amount of time out for ourselves and ourselves alone....not shopping for jeans for the kids.

I think I want to take a break from my life and my expectations and we'll see where that gets me.

A long day

I was able to catch a few minutes in the tub full of hot water, it is always relaxing. I am so tired right now because I was cleaning and organizing over at the inlaws. There was a lot of dust and it was hard to breath for a while. I love seeing order....it is actually fun for me! It was also nice because the stuff was not mine and I could look at the stuff from a different point of view and not be so attached.

So for the docket tomorrow is more organizing and a little cleaning and maybe some painting. Happy rolling!

April Madness

Yes it has been a while...I have been having some lows lately and it really gets to me and I tend to put myself in a box. I usually am pretty outgoing and when I have my down days I don't want to see or hear from anyone..just be by myself. It is a cruel and vicious cycle and no matter how much sleep I get it is never enough. All of this has made me really aware of myself and what is normal and what is depression. I have been so good for so long and I didn't understand why satan was working on me so hard...it all makes sense now and for the first time in a while I woke up and felt a little excited and freer.

We can now say publicly that we are moving!!!! It has been a long process and somehow everything has fallen into place. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life...this is proof that Heavenly Father watches out for me and for my family. We have said countless prayers for direction and purpose and we are finally getting on that path.

We are are renting out our house and moving in with Geoff's parents and paying off debts and saving up and most of all going to school. The house is too much for me to take care of all by myself. Geoff will be working as much as possible this late Spring and Summer and then he is going to start school in the fall still while working at Frito. I know that he will not have the time and energy to do much and staying in the house is too stressful physically, mentally and financially. If we stayed in the house I would have to continue to work about the same that I am right now..4 nights a week to keep up with the finances. It's just not worth it and yet the Spirit has confirmed to me that selling is not right either and that's when the the idea for renting out came in my head. It's nuts because right when that happened I thought of this family who I could call reguarding renting out because I knew that they where renting and I don't know much about it. So I called and she said that they where wanting to leave their rental and end their lease in the Spring! And from there things have just fallen into place. I am eager to downsize and de-stress my life. I would love to also start taking classes for me too and do more activities with my children and be more involved period. So that is our story. We will continue to stay in our ward because we love it and our friends and if anything I will be able to see more of them than I do right now! I miss being able to go out and hang out, I am trapped at home or at work. I like working to a point, but I am tired and I feel the time is now. It's weird...I usually am anxious and worried, but I haven't been..it's been total peaceful. The sadness is the hard things to shake and it's a weakness and I will have to fight it always.

I am expanding my horizons creatively and trying to figure out what I really want to do. So I marched myself down to the WA ST. IRS office and got a business license. My company in called Blue Luxx. I am going to start with hair accessories and then work up to photography. I love props and fun whimsical stuff and also many other things too. I want to have a collection of things in a wide variety that people can choose to use for their photos. The problem now is space. I might only be able to do outdoor for now. We are actually going to rent out a storage and I thought about getting a bigger one and using that for my business too. It would be nice to have a place to keep backgrounds and props with lighting/photo accessories. We will see what the future holds. lol

Back to the house..........we are going to be out before May first. IT IS CRAZY, but I know it's the right thing to do. So many doors are opening for us and I can't help, but tear up from gratefulness.

Also today I decided that we are for sure going to visit my two sisters in Idaho in the beginning of June at their new house and see all their family. Little Emily will be so excited to see Ti Ti. I am already breathing easier.

Today I took mostly everything off my walls and I had no problem with it. I know it will all come together, we even have the dining set taken care of that we needed to sell. Now it's onto the big screen and surround sound. It is an awesome system, but it's not worth keeping and we don't have the space and the time either. I am excited to NOT have cable or satellite, I don't know if I will ever get it again. SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY!!!!!

I will keep up better with the updates.

My sister

Ah man it's been a whirl wind over here and I can't seem to get my barrings. I literally feel like I am being tossed to and fro and there is no dry land in sight. My course is day by day and I am ultimately subjected by the waves that surround me. I have to say how thankful I am to my husband for understanding that there are days where I can barely take care of myself and that is where he steps in with love and charity. I have felt like I need to breathe fresh clean air and can't find it...there is no breath deep enough to subside, calm and take the anxiety away. I have the little therapist in my ear coaching me, but when you can't even focus it seems like an unreachable task.

We received some serious news about my sister's health...in short she has results from her MRI. They found she has a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. When she called I couldn't grasp it...WHAT? It figures..because she ALWAYS has health problems. I just feel so much for her and for her family. We are talking intensely major surgery! There are some good things that they found out apparently, but all in all it is a very scary thing. I have become really close to this sister and I would easily say she has become one of my very best friends. I have only 2 sisters that I really have revealed my heart and soul to and she is one of them. I love her sooooo much! After I got off the phone it took a little while to set in and then came the tears and immediate sickness in the pit of my stomach, which still has not gone away. It has been a few days and my heart physically hurts and it brings me such sadness. I am trying to be as positive as possible because she still has yet to find a specialist and figure out where to go from there.

I am asking myself questions...What are you going to take from this? Are you learning what really matters? How can you help? What would you feel like if that was you? How can you be the most compassionate being where you am at in my life.

I am beginning to understand things a little more clearer and the days are passing and finding strength when I get to my knees in prayer. We already know that no matter what it truly is up to God and we can only rely on our Savior to get us through. Through trials it seems hard to remember that God did not inflict this upon us for some sort of revenge, empowerment or because we think we deserved it.. HE is our Father...it is simply LIFE-A TEST IN AND OF ITSELF. Ultimately HE is allowing such things for our benefit- to be closer to him.

What's going on..

NEW BLOG

Here it is ....sassychicstyle.blogspot.com
and my new email for it.. sasevechic@live.com

FOLLOW IT...IT WILL BE GREAT!!!! :)

New Blog Coming SOON!

Well after a lot of thought and not as much going on for the next little while.. I have to decided to finally create my own special blog. The Swangerlings one will be our family and events and so forth.

The blog will feature everything fun and wonderful. I will be posting things that I find that inspire me..whether they be people or some work of art does not matter. I will start from that point and see how far I go with it and if I get many followers. My goal is for it to be a blank piece of paper..something that can be ANYTHING! I encourage comments and ideas and links. I hope to post fashion designs as well with LOTS of photography that I will do myself. Eve of course will be my model..which she is extremely excited about and I will feature my friends kids as well. I really hope this blog takes off because everyone needs inspiration and delight in their lives- it makes us happy! Who knows maybe I will end up getting my own buisiness some day, but until then I need a creative outlet with interaction from others. I want to learn and understand how to do things. It is such a great feeling when you look at a nicely finished product that you made and you can say.." I DID THAT!" It's not about the showiness, it's about the accomplishment and the trials along the way that make us a wiser person.

So I bid you adue until then. (I really don't know how to spell that. lol)

Thanks!

I really appreciate all your input, it truly does help. I go so back and forth about what I want to do and what I was really meant to do. Something that has always stuck with me in the back of my head is my blessing that says that I will be able to receive education that will be MOST MEANINGFUL TO ME. I don't really care about the degree part. There are soooo many people that do so many talented things that never went to school or finished for that matter. My goal is to do something that I love within my home (most of the time)lol. I long to help provide and yet have more time with my children and all at the same time expand and utilizing my talents that God gave me. I would absolutely love to have a special creative room that is all my own to go crazy in.
All in due time :)
Until then I will get some classes in and do the things that I have always wanted to do.

Oh and thanks for the complements you all are so sweet...if only I could have you all on my shoulders. he,he

I need more GLAM

OH MY GOODNESS....LOVE IT!!!!!

I am constantly trying to find myself and what my passion truly is. Above is something I came across on ETSY. I love so many things, but to make a living of it is a different story. I do not want the stress of whatever I choose to overtake the love that I have for that particular job. Maybe there is a special career that I can make up that is a variety of things that all go together, that encompasses all that I am. I like to sew and I would love to learn how to look at something and be able to sew it myself and make the pattern for whatever comes into my head. I now know what my style is and I would love to show it more and make things that tell my story and shows my personality. I am finally at a point in my life where I am getting comfortable in my skin and I have accepted the fact that this is me and what's the point of changing it because I am getting happy with myself. I love fashion and design in all aspects. I don't want to stick myself in only one spot for the rest of my life causing me to miss out on so much more creativity. Maybe I will go to school for my own personal experience to find my skills and not just for some piece of paper that says that I have a degree in 1 single area. Oh I simply don't know :( I know I have some time, but I only get older by the day. lol

Here is the list..

Fashion Design (consisting of sewing, accessories, clothing construction, drawing, etc.)

Interior Design (more sewing, drawing, architecture, elemental configuration, building, etc.)

Photography (mainly taking photos of my own products because I am extremely OCD about the way that I want things to look and especially if I made it)

All of this is what makes me happy..I am a frilly, fancy, sparkly girl where too much is never enough!

I have confidence that I will figure it out someway.. somehow..and sometime.

Retraining....HOPEFULLY!!!

Here I am on the computer with no noise in the house....this is a severe rarity! I really feel the need to vent and just type.

These past several months have been extremely hard for me as you all know and something I am having to do out of desperation is RETRAINING myself. I know I have a problem and now with the meds it is all too apparent. Will I ever truly love myself? I feel like crying..for so long the tears just came and now it's kind of the opposite. Out of no where it will just come....it is a hovering feeling and I cannot explain it to anyone, only ones who have gone through it know what I mean. I have had people tell me that I should not have any of those moments or feelings, but I don't agree. You can maybe say that to someone who has depression alone, but I have PTSD which triggers depression and sometimes it's the other way around. THIS is where satan has his hold and now I know it. I cannot tell you how hard it is to try constantly...yes, it is a lot better now, but I am getting so tired. I get so excited about something now and then the shadows roll in and it's like nothing really matters to the point to where I cry my heart out and pray to Heavenly Father to take my soul. I am not bad enough to the point of physical violence, but it does get to that point spiritually when I have my breakdowns. The PTSD sets in and my mind races with memories and feelings...sadness, anger, loss, inadequacy, numbness. My sister had a dream in which she saw me in my agony and she could see the evil spirits and how they where all around me hovering. She said the pain that they seek was so awful that it was exactly like the words in the scriptures. I had never really thought about it that way...the gnashing and wailing of teeth could also mean ALL the horrible feelings that you could not give to the Savior. This is the key that will make or break a person- Being ADDICTED to the pain- in return it becomes our crutch and our excuse for everything not enabling us to rise above and grow. We are here for our free agency and no one can make us do anything that we don't lastly do ourselves...YES people CAN and WILL hurt us, but what are we going to do with the after effects? I choose to say to my Heavenly Father....."Please help me to have the strength to give my frustrations and my inadequacies to my Savior because I know that he already bore it for me and I need to remember and not only KNOW, but FEEL his love!"

I don't want anyone to worry and I don't want sympathies either...I need your ear...I need to voice my feelings and accept them when they come and then do something with them. I already feel a lot better from writing this. Moments come and go and when it is bad they seem to take forever. When all the hinges start turning and working together and not against me... that is when I can sigh a breath of fresh air. Sometimes when my brain changes it is so drastic that I get a bit of a high like I have no cares in the world (my true self) and want to do so many things because I was so altered and then I tend to out do myself. I have been better about this too, like limiting my projects for the day..what's on the calender for the day? Things like that. I pray that I will spend my time more wisely and use it for good. I do want to learn and grow and prosper in any way possible. I still have so much more life to live and I don't want to go about it this way- full of stress and personal turmoil....I am achieving my tools now in hopes for the future.

What Does Life Have In Store?

So I have been thinking A LOT lately about life and what I want out of it....The real question is "Will I ever know?!!!". Honestly! This is such a hard question, especially when you thought you always knew and then you kind of get there and discover maybe something is not for you, or you weren't expecting this, or this isn't as great as you thought it would be, or this is much more work than I ever thought it would be. DON'T GET ME WRONG-I absolutely ADORE my family, even though parenting is the toughest thing and yet the most rewarding. I am speaking in life in general. Here I am just turned 30 and I feel like I have led such a full life already and yet there are many more to live...almost like reincarnation.lol....But seriously it feels like it sometimes. I am sure most of you have looked at a picture from a distant time in your life and you are wondering who the heck is that??? I do not know that person...OH WAIT...SHOOT that was me!? It is kind of comical...yes, but in retrospect those pictures or those experiences have taught me so much and I feel like I am now getting to a point in my life where I am starting to finally get it. Maybe I am having a pre-midlife crisis...BUT SO WHAT! There is so much that I want to do and learn about and I am not getting any younger. It is crazy to think about me being at a restaurant for 11 years! That is NOT by any means something that I ever wanted, we all make sacrifices and through it I have learned to truly enjoy it- but I am getting tired.

I feel a change coming on and it is not small at ALL! I cannot really explain it well enough for anyone to really understand where I am coming from. No this doesn't really have anything to do with my depression, but I have gained knowledge through it. Finding myself was essential for my growth. I am put many limitations on myself and tried to be much more forgiving and it really has helped tremendously. It sounds funny but I listen to myself first before I do things now or at least I try to.lol. Through many prayers I have had to some answers to my many questions. We both feel very strongly to leave out house. I would love to rent it out and not have felt good about selling so far. We are looking to make this change by the Summer hopefully. It's not that I don't love my house..I just have reached a point to where it is a crutch and we have to back up before we go forward. The house comes with so much responsibility and attention and I just cannot give it that. Heck, I have a hard enough time managing kids let alone myself. I used to get anxiety attacks when I thought about leaving our house and now being where we are at..I am at peace and if anything I feel reassured every time it comes up that it is right for our family.
We would be living maybe with his parents to lesson the stress

The other huge change is SCHOOL....Geoff and I KNOW that it is time for him and as we have been researching school for him I have had a strong impression that it is getting to be time for me too. We both have had blessings in which they state that we will have opportunities for education and that it will help me in my professional life and for Geoff that he will be able to choose a career that will make him happy. . We would be starting school here and then getting enough credits to eventually end up at BYU Hawaii. This is something that G really wants to do and if it is right than I fully support him on it. Who wouldn't love to live by the sea? HA, yes I know that there are many pros and cons..and we will cross that bridge when it comes. I am not going to stress out about it now and I have faith that if it is meant to be and we are doing what we are suppose to then it will all work out if WE work hard ourselves.Overall I need to support and help Geoff find what he wants to do with his life. I would love to feel more like the stay at home mom and not so much the equal moneymaker. I just mean that I would love to sit back more and take a breather for myself and through that I know that he will be able to grow into the person that he can be. I would also love to do something fun for me.

Through this process I have come up with a;

30 SOMETHING BUCKET LIST

Spend more time with my family
Have real dates with Geoff
Have more fun
Go back to school
Get a degree in some sort of design ( I am thinking fashion)
Eventually retire from Outback and NEVER serve again!!!
See Disney World
Experience all of Hawaii
Draw and paint more
Enhance my skills and know my gifts and use them often
DANCE!
Learn Ballet
Learn Ballroom
Learn Swing and Jive
Maybe even Tap?
If it is in the cards have the last child...(if it is meant to be God will let me know)
Take a tour of Europe with just Geoff and I for our 15th anniversary
Know where I want home to be
Take more mini family vacations
Create something wonderful..maybe my dream house.

Just a note; I have already started a few of these. I got a few Dancing With The Stars dvds and have been dancing with one and I went Sat. and got 2 more because I LOVE them so much!!!! I have always wanted to learn how to dance and we could never afford them when I was little so I gonna do it. I am gearing myself up before I take actual courses at a school. Dancing is so fun and it is an awesome workout. I even got some vintage silver ballroom shoes and they work!

Well that's life around here and hopefully it will be a little boring for the month while I continue going through my house.

1930's 30TH BDAY PARTY