Sunday, February 7, 2010


Here I am on the computer with no noise in the house....this is a severe rarity! I really feel the need to vent and just type.

These past several months have been extremely hard for me as you all know and something I am having to do out of desperation is RETRAINING myself. I know I have a problem and now with the meds it is all too apparent. Will I ever truly love myself? I feel like crying..for so long the tears just came and now it's kind of the opposite. Out of no where it will just is a hovering feeling and I cannot explain it to anyone, only ones who have gone through it know what I mean. I have had people tell me that I should not have any of those moments or feelings, but I don't agree. You can maybe say that to someone who has depression alone, but I have PTSD which triggers depression and sometimes it's the other way around. THIS is where satan has his hold and now I know it. I cannot tell you how hard it is to try constantly...yes, it is a lot better now, but I am getting so tired. I get so excited about something now and then the shadows roll in and it's like nothing really matters to the point to where I cry my heart out and pray to Heavenly Father to take my soul. I am not bad enough to the point of physical violence, but it does get to that point spiritually when I have my breakdowns. The PTSD sets in and my mind races with memories and feelings...sadness, anger, loss, inadequacy, numbness. My sister had a dream in which she saw me in my agony and she could see the evil spirits and how they where all around me hovering. She said the pain that they seek was so awful that it was exactly like the words in the scriptures. I had never really thought about it that way...the gnashing and wailing of teeth could also mean ALL the horrible feelings that you could not give to the Savior. This is the key that will make or break a person- Being ADDICTED to the pain- in return it becomes our crutch and our excuse for everything not enabling us to rise above and grow. We are here for our free agency and no one can make us do anything that we don't lastly do ourselves...YES people CAN and WILL hurt us, but what are we going to do with the after effects? I choose to say to my Heavenly Father....."Please help me to have the strength to give my frustrations and my inadequacies to my Savior because I know that he already bore it for me and I need to remember and not only KNOW, but FEEL his love!"

I don't want anyone to worry and I don't want sympathies either...I need your ear...I need to voice my feelings and accept them when they come and then do something with them. I already feel a lot better from writing this. Moments come and go and when it is bad they seem to take forever. When all the hinges start turning and working together and not against me... that is when I can sigh a breath of fresh air. Sometimes when my brain changes it is so drastic that I get a bit of a high like I have no cares in the world (my true self) and want to do so many things because I was so altered and then I tend to out do myself. I have been better about this too, like limiting my projects for the day..what's on the calender for the day? Things like that. I pray that I will spend my time more wisely and use it for good. I do want to learn and grow and prosper in any way possible. I still have so much more life to live and I don't want to go about it this way- full of stress and personal turmoil....I am achieving my tools now in hopes for the future.


Kerry said...

Dear Sarah, I hope you don't mind but I am going to write down your words of prayer and keep them a few places. I have often felt the Spirit withdraw from me when I feel myself going "down". I don't want to be this way. To push away He who can help me most exactly when I need it most. Your beautiful words will help remind that sometimes I even need to ask for help in asking for help.
Thank you for sharing - you are helping us all to be stronger.

xoxo, Missed you on Sunday. I like smiling at you in primary. (winter is hard)

Swangerlings said...

Kerry...I love you so much! It because of people like you that I have been able to reach out and simply talk. We seem to all help each other so I am glad that you are able to get something from what I have found in my personal journey. Every person is so different and life is so continual...every day is different. It all comes down to the basics..when you don't want to pray is the time that you need it the most. I have a special place that I pour out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father need to have yours. Think of Heavenly Father as YOU personal FATHER...HE CARES AND LOVE US. Ya, I wanted to go to church, but the kids had their coughs. I like smiling at you too! xoxo