Monday, July 13, 2009

Better Days

I came home from Utah and felt great! It was good to come home to my man and have us all together.

Although 0n the second day it hit, the tears all came in. I don't know why, but it all just overtakes me and I feel like I have to escape from my life and yet I long for being with my family and feeling their love. It's like I live in a bubble and I can only feel myself. I feel like I am a bad mother during these times because I have no connection with anyone and it's hard to place myself where I am suppose to be. It's difficult to face that I have to deal with this my whole life and some how manage to get through it. I feel ashamed and try to hide it and Geoff always seems to just know that something is not right. I know that I am messed up and I feel horrible for having to put that burden on my husband when I don't even know how to deal with it myself. My pain is surfacing and it seems to bob up and down, like the anchor has been cut and it seems to come up when it wants without any control. I know this because something newer has emerged and it is very personal. I think of this as therapy and I can type the words that I want without having to say them out loud and not worry about personal reactions.

This is affecting me...when I am physical I go on an emotional roller coaster. I am blessed with a loving husband who "loves" me well and it has always been great, but now the tears have reached me there too! I am embarrassed to say, but it is every time lately and I try to hide the tears as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to work to well. It will kill the mood of couse for him and I feel aweful and then I feel even worse, then gult sets in. I love this person more than he could ever know. Why does this nastiness have to follow me here out of all places and times? Can't this be sacred ground? After the last big bawl fest it came to me- this is when I am most volnurable and it's the exact action in which I was caused this tremendous pain... it was only time. It's horrible reliving it! I am learning, I have to get through this and I am pretty sure I know how. I know that the road is long and bumpy, but I have my loving Savior by my side to see me though.

It was only until today that I feel fully functional again and it amazed me the difference it makes. I got a lot of stuff done today, I didn't yell at my kids too much, I didn't let my temper get the better of me and most of all I wasn't SAD! I hate being sad more than anything because you can't feel past it. I only hope that brighter days are ahead because this weather severely depressed me. I mean,c'mon it's summer time for goodness sakes! Where is the flipp'in sun? And it always seems to come out right before I have to head to work. lol

Well I still have tons of pictures from the trip to down load and I will hopefully get to them now that I am feeling better. I wish everyone a good day.


eric and girls said...

Sarah, I wish that I had something profound to say that will make you feel better, but I don't. I hope whatever you are going through passes quickly. You are loved and you are an awesome mom. I can see that in your pictures cause your kids are always smiling. I know where the heck is the sun? It surely affects my mood as well. If I can do anything for you please let me know!

Kerry said...

Wonderful Men who are are eternal companions are the most beautiful blessing in our lives. Try and remember that Geoff loves ALL of you even the parts that may not be easy to love (the window breaking part perhaps). ((hugs)) Dealing with pain and confusion and unhappiness is something the Lord expects us to do as a couple. If your sweet husband was suffering you would want to share his burdens. Let him do the same for you without making yourself feel badly about it.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that is much easier said than done because we are sometimes the cruelest to our own spirits. At the times when you can give yourself love. You are an amazing woman with so much to give. You aren't perfect, but then if you were, you wouldn't need the Savior and then you would miss out on the most amazing love of all.

It is good to have you home. It is always a really hard transition for me too, when I have to leave my mom and sisters and return here. Bittersweet because I love being home too. I take a few days to be sad about it and then when I feel like I can I pick up my life and get on with it.

XOXOX, Kerry

Oldilox said...

I read what you write and see the pain and sadness there. I also see fear and anger. Definitely confusion. I have gone through these intense feelings, myself and Lisa could surely tell you about terror and fear and pain and dealing with it 24/7 for years and years.

Some people in our society don't like to hear this...either don't want to admit that things happened to them growing up, or that "only faith can heal me", but I am going to tell you anyway, partly because I don't want to see you in pain, and partly of you and Geoff and your sweetness with Ethan when he was in your primary class: There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help when dealing with emotional/mental issues. The things which casued us pain in the past, whether physical or emotional, change the way our brain chemistry works. Sometimes we are born with brains which, for whatever reason, dont produce certain chemicals we need to feel "normal". A good, compassionate counsellor and someone who can work with us to see if we have serotonin problems, or adrenaline imbalances casuing anxiety or panic attacks can work wonders for ourselves and and our loved ones

Oh--and to hell with what "our mormon culture" thinks about psychiatry and medication...let's face it, we are all frickin repressed and it would do every one of us some good to get in touch with pain rather than think that God is going to magic take everything painful away as long as we are "striving to be perfect" (whatever that means...what an broad and indefinable statement}.

Anyway--there are people around you who know about pain and sadness and living with it...please feel free to use us as a resource.

The Poe Family said...

Sarah, I am so sorry for what you are going through. If there is ever anything I can do, let me know! It is good that you share your feelings like this, that is a good first step! Friends and family should know what you are going through so they can be there to help and support you. I do agree with your friend that talked about professional help. I know that I was raised by a phycologist and grew up being taught that it is good and healthy to seek that help in life at times. I also know that Heavenly Father has put people on this earth that have talents to help others. Sometimes it is almost necessary to get that help, and there is nothing wrong with that!! I know that it has helped me in my life when I have had to go that direction. It really does help! Hang in there and know that there are people that love you- let me know if there is anything I can do.

Swangerlings said...

Thank you so much for your words. I have said before I re-live this pain time and time again and it comes out of nowhere, but now it is different. IT IS ALWAYS THERE!I can cry in an instant and the thoughts are floating in the back and on the sides- I can't simply store it aways anymore. I know now that I can't just not go there! And I don't judge my bishop for saying so because he does not know my history and my pain. There are angels of healers and they are the ones that I need to go to. I am so grateful for those of you who share your pain, frustration and most of all knowledge of experience. I love you all so much! When I speak about knowing how to face this and using my Savior it is the only way that invites any sort of happiness into my life because through him I can manage to feel SOMETHING! Without it I can't feel anything and HE wants me to talk to open up and seek for help.

foreverfamily said...
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