June 11th

I feel like saying...I give up! I give up on trying soooo hard! I seem to do it try to do it all and then when I realize that it's too much I don't do it at all. I desire to keep up with my blog and my dreams and projects and then I have no energy left. We have been moving so fast and if that's not enough we have all been sick off and on. We can't seem to catch a break!

My sisters Amber and Linsy where able to come and visit me for a while with little Emily. The situation was quite different to say the least. The first day Amber said...Sarah, do you every miss your house? I replied..NO! She said REALLY?! I DO! lol....so funny. It is hard to explain, but there is a time and a season for everything and I just know without a doubt that we where supposed to leave the house. I am however learning that hard way that I need to pick and choose my battles. This house that we are in is not mine and it is hard to be in a space that is not organized like I am used to. I am not saying that my house was perfect by any means, it's just different all together. I like things neat and tidy and you can't simply do that with little children. WHERE IS THE BALANCE???? This is my struggle.

I am on racing speed and I am going out of control. I know that I have an addiction problem and it is filling the space that evolves within me. Whether it is food, shopping, organizing, cleaning etc. they all feed it. I need to put myself in productive timeouts where I give myself genuine TLC. It sounds dorky, but it works. We spend all day cleaning, mending, washing, feeding, etc...we really need to set a certain amount of time out for ourselves and ourselves alone....not shopping for jeans for the kids.

I think I want to take a break from my life and my expectations and we'll see where that gets me.

A long day

I was able to catch a few minutes in the tub full of hot water, it is always relaxing. I am so tired right now because I was cleaning and organizing over at the inlaws. There was a lot of dust and it was hard to breath for a while. I love seeing order....it is actually fun for me! It was also nice because the stuff was not mine and I could look at the stuff from a different point of view and not be so attached.

So for the docket tomorrow is more organizing and a little cleaning and maybe some painting. Happy rolling!

April Madness

Yes it has been a while...I have been having some lows lately and it really gets to me and I tend to put myself in a box. I usually am pretty outgoing and when I have my down days I don't want to see or hear from anyone..just be by myself. It is a cruel and vicious cycle and no matter how much sleep I get it is never enough. All of this has made me really aware of myself and what is normal and what is depression. I have been so good for so long and I didn't understand why satan was working on me so hard...it all makes sense now and for the first time in a while I woke up and felt a little excited and freer.

We can now say publicly that we are moving!!!! It has been a long process and somehow everything has fallen into place. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life...this is proof that Heavenly Father watches out for me and for my family. We have said countless prayers for direction and purpose and we are finally getting on that path.

We are are renting out our house and moving in with Geoff's parents and paying off debts and saving up and most of all going to school. The house is too much for me to take care of all by myself. Geoff will be working as much as possible this late Spring and Summer and then he is going to start school in the fall still while working at Frito. I know that he will not have the time and energy to do much and staying in the house is too stressful physically, mentally and financially. If we stayed in the house I would have to continue to work about the same that I am right now..4 nights a week to keep up with the finances. It's just not worth it and yet the Spirit has confirmed to me that selling is not right either and that's when the the idea for renting out came in my head. It's nuts because right when that happened I thought of this family who I could call reguarding renting out because I knew that they where renting and I don't know much about it. So I called and she said that they where wanting to leave their rental and end their lease in the Spring! And from there things have just fallen into place. I am eager to downsize and de-stress my life. I would love to also start taking classes for me too and do more activities with my children and be more involved period. So that is our story. We will continue to stay in our ward because we love it and our friends and if anything I will be able to see more of them than I do right now! I miss being able to go out and hang out, I am trapped at home or at work. I like working to a point, but I am tired and I feel the time is now. It's weird...I usually am anxious and worried, but I haven't been..it's been total peaceful. The sadness is the hard things to shake and it's a weakness and I will have to fight it always.

I am expanding my horizons creatively and trying to figure out what I really want to do. So I marched myself down to the WA ST. IRS office and got a business license. My company in called Blue Luxx. I am going to start with hair accessories and then work up to photography. I love props and fun whimsical stuff and also many other things too. I want to have a collection of things in a wide variety that people can choose to use for their photos. The problem now is space. I might only be able to do outdoor for now. We are actually going to rent out a storage and I thought about getting a bigger one and using that for my business too. It would be nice to have a place to keep backgrounds and props with lighting/photo accessories. We will see what the future holds. lol

Back to the house..........we are going to be out before May first. IT IS CRAZY, but I know it's the right thing to do. So many doors are opening for us and I can't help, but tear up from gratefulness.

Also today I decided that we are for sure going to visit my two sisters in Idaho in the beginning of June at their new house and see all their family. Little Emily will be so excited to see Ti Ti. I am already breathing easier.

Today I took mostly everything off my walls and I had no problem with it. I know it will all come together, we even have the dining set taken care of that we needed to sell. Now it's onto the big screen and surround sound. It is an awesome system, but it's not worth keeping and we don't have the space and the time either. I am excited to NOT have cable or satellite, I don't know if I will ever get it again. SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY!!!!!

I will keep up better with the updates.

My sister

Ah man it's been a whirl wind over here and I can't seem to get my barrings. I literally feel like I am being tossed to and fro and there is no dry land in sight. My course is day by day and I am ultimately subjected by the waves that surround me. I have to say how thankful I am to my husband for understanding that there are days where I can barely take care of myself and that is where he steps in with love and charity. I have felt like I need to breathe fresh clean air and can't find it...there is no breath deep enough to subside, calm and take the anxiety away. I have the little therapist in my ear coaching me, but when you can't even focus it seems like an unreachable task.

We received some serious news about my sister's health...in short she has results from her MRI. They found she has a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. When she called I couldn't grasp it...WHAT? It figures..because she ALWAYS has health problems. I just feel so much for her and for her family. We are talking intensely major surgery! There are some good things that they found out apparently, but all in all it is a very scary thing. I have become really close to this sister and I would easily say she has become one of my very best friends. I have only 2 sisters that I really have revealed my heart and soul to and she is one of them. I love her sooooo much! After I got off the phone it took a little while to set in and then came the tears and immediate sickness in the pit of my stomach, which still has not gone away. It has been a few days and my heart physically hurts and it brings me such sadness. I am trying to be as positive as possible because she still has yet to find a specialist and figure out where to go from there.

I am asking myself questions...What are you going to take from this? Are you learning what really matters? How can you help? What would you feel like if that was you? How can you be the most compassionate being where you am at in my life.

I am beginning to understand things a little more clearer and the days are passing and finding strength when I get to my knees in prayer. We already know that no matter what it truly is up to God and we can only rely on our Savior to get us through. Through trials it seems hard to remember that God did not inflict this upon us for some sort of revenge, empowerment or because we think we deserved it.. HE is our Father...it is simply LIFE-A TEST IN AND OF ITSELF. Ultimately HE is allowing such things for our benefit- to be closer to him.

What's going on..

NEW BLOG

Here it is ....sassychicstyle.blogspot.com
and my new email for it.. sasevechic@live.com

FOLLOW IT...IT WILL BE GREAT!!!! :)

New Blog Coming SOON!

Well after a lot of thought and not as much going on for the next little while.. I have to decided to finally create my own special blog. The Swangerlings one will be our family and events and so forth.

The blog will feature everything fun and wonderful. I will be posting things that I find that inspire me..whether they be people or some work of art does not matter. I will start from that point and see how far I go with it and if I get many followers. My goal is for it to be a blank piece of paper..something that can be ANYTHING! I encourage comments and ideas and links. I hope to post fashion designs as well with LOTS of photography that I will do myself. Eve of course will be my model..which she is extremely excited about and I will feature my friends kids as well. I really hope this blog takes off because everyone needs inspiration and delight in their lives- it makes us happy! Who knows maybe I will end up getting my own buisiness some day, but until then I need a creative outlet with interaction from others. I want to learn and understand how to do things. It is such a great feeling when you look at a nicely finished product that you made and you can say.." I DID THAT!" It's not about the showiness, it's about the accomplishment and the trials along the way that make us a wiser person.

So I bid you adue until then. (I really don't know how to spell that. lol)