So I have been thinking A LOT lately about life and what I want out of it....The real question is "Will I ever know?!!!". Honestly! This is such a hard question, especially when you thought you always knew and then you kind of get there and discover maybe something is not for you, or you weren't expecting this, or this isn't as great as you thought it would be, or this is much more work than I ever thought it would be. DON'T GET ME WRONG-I absolutely ADORE my family, even though parenting is the toughest thing and yet the most rewarding. I am speaking in life in general. Here I am just turned 30 and I feel like I have led such a full life already and yet there are many more to live...almost like reincarnation.lol....But seriously it feels like it sometimes. I am sure most of you have looked at a picture from a distant time in your life and you are wondering who the heck is that??? I do not know that person...OH WAIT...SHOOT that was me!? It is kind of comical...yes, but in retrospect those pictures or those experiences have taught me so much and I feel like I am now getting to a point in my life where I am starting to finally get it. Maybe I am having a pre-midlife crisis...BUT SO WHAT! There is so much that I want to do and learn about and I am not getting any younger. It is crazy to think about me being at a restaurant for 11 years! That is NOT by any means something that I ever wanted, we all make sacrifices and through it I have learned to truly enjoy it- but I am getting tired.
I feel a change coming on and it is not small at ALL! I cannot really explain it well enough for anyone to really understand where I am coming from. No this doesn't really have anything to do with my depression, but I have gained knowledge through it. Finding myself was essential for my growth. I am put many limitations on myself and tried to be much more forgiving and it really has helped tremendously. It sounds funny but I listen to myself first before I do things now or at least I try to.lol. Through many prayers I have had to some answers to my many questions. We both feel very strongly to leave out house. I would love to rent it out and not have felt good about selling so far. We are looking to make this change by the Summer hopefully. It's not that I don't love my house..I just have reached a point to where it is a crutch and we have to back up before we go forward. The house comes with so much responsibility and attention and I just cannot give it that. Heck, I have a hard enough time managing kids let alone myself. I used to get anxiety attacks when I thought about leaving our house and now being where we are at..I am at peace and if anything I feel reassured every time it comes up that it is right for our family.
We would be living maybe with his parents to lesson the stress
The other huge change is SCHOOL....Geoff and I KNOW that it is time for him and as we have been researching school for him I have had a strong impression that it is getting to be time for me too. We both have had blessings in which they state that we will have opportunities for education and that it will help me in my professional life and for Geoff that he will be able to choose a career that will make him happy. . We would be starting school here and then getting enough credits to eventually end up at BYU Hawaii. This is something that G really wants to do and if it is right than I fully support him on it. Who wouldn't love to live by the sea? HA, yes I know that there are many pros and cons..and we will cross that bridge when it comes. I am not going to stress out about it now and I have faith that if it is meant to be and we are doing what we are suppose to then it will all work out if WE work hard ourselves.Overall I need to support and help Geoff find what he wants to do with his life. I would love to feel more like the stay at home mom and not so much the equal moneymaker. I just mean that I would love to sit back more and take a breather for myself and through that I know that he will be able to grow into the person that he can be. I would also love to do something fun for me.
Through this process I have come up with a;
30 SOMETHING BUCKET LIST
Spend more time with my family
Have real dates with Geoff
Have more fun
Go back to school
Get a degree in some sort of design ( I am thinking fashion)
Eventually retire from Outback and NEVER serve again!!!
See Disney World
Experience all of Hawaii
Draw and paint more
Enhance my skills and know my gifts and use them often
DANCE!
Learn Ballet
Learn Ballroom
Learn Swing and Jive
Maybe even Tap?
If it is in the cards have the last child...(if it is meant to be God will let me know)
Take a tour of Europe with just Geoff and I for our 15th anniversary
Know where I want home to be
Take more mini family vacations
Create something wonderful..maybe my dream house.
Just a note; I have already started a few of these. I got a few Dancing With The Stars dvds and have been dancing with one and I went Sat. and got 2 more because I LOVE them so much!!!! I have always wanted to learn how to dance and we could never afford them when I was little so I gonna do it. I am gearing myself up before I take actual courses at a school. Dancing is so fun and it is an awesome workout. I even got some vintage silver ballroom shoes and they work!
Well that's life around here and hopefully it will be a little boring for the month while I continue going through my house.
Christmas 2014
9 years ago
