Better Days

I came home from Utah and felt great! It was good to come home to my man and have us all together.

Although 0n the second day it hit, the tears all came in. I don't know why, but it all just overtakes me and I feel like I have to escape from my life and yet I long for being with my family and feeling their love. It's like I live in a bubble and I can only feel myself. I feel like I am a bad mother during these times because I have no connection with anyone and it's hard to place myself where I am suppose to be. It's difficult to face that I have to deal with this my whole life and some how manage to get through it. I feel ashamed and try to hide it and Geoff always seems to just know that something is not right. I know that I am messed up and I feel horrible for having to put that burden on my husband when I don't even know how to deal with it myself. My pain is surfacing and it seems to bob up and down, like the anchor has been cut and it seems to come up when it wants without any control. I know this because something newer has emerged and it is very personal. I think of this as therapy and I can type the words that I want without having to say them out loud and not worry about personal reactions.

This is affecting me...when I am physical I go on an emotional roller coaster. I am blessed with a loving husband who "loves" me well and it has always been great, but now the tears have reached me there too! I am embarrassed to say, but it is every time lately and I try to hide the tears as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to work to well. It will kill the mood of couse for him and I feel aweful and then I feel even worse, then gult sets in. I love this person more than he could ever know. Why does this nastiness have to follow me here out of all places and times? Can't this be sacred ground? After the last big bawl fest it came to me- this is when I am most volnurable and it's the exact action in which I was caused this tremendous pain... it was only time. It's horrible reliving it! I am learning, I have to get through this and I am pretty sure I know how. I know that the road is long and bumpy, but I have my loving Savior by my side to see me though.

It was only until today that I feel fully functional again and it amazed me the difference it makes. I got a lot of stuff done today, I didn't yell at my kids too much, I didn't let my temper get the better of me and most of all I wasn't SAD! I hate being sad more than anything because you can't feel past it. I only hope that brighter days are ahead because this weather severely depressed me. I mean,c'mon it's summer time for goodness sakes! Where is the flipp'in sun? And it always seems to come out right before I have to head to work. lol

Well I still have tons of pictures from the trip to down load and I will hopefully get to them now that I am feeling better. I wish everyone a good day.