What's going on..

NEW BLOG

Here it is ....sassychicstyle.blogspot.com
and my new email for it.. sasevechic@live.com

FOLLOW IT...IT WILL BE GREAT!!!! :)

New Blog Coming SOON!

Well after a lot of thought and not as much going on for the next little while.. I have to decided to finally create my own special blog. The Swangerlings one will be our family and events and so forth.

The blog will feature everything fun and wonderful. I will be posting things that I find that inspire me..whether they be people or some work of art does not matter. I will start from that point and see how far I go with it and if I get many followers. My goal is for it to be a blank piece of paper..something that can be ANYTHING! I encourage comments and ideas and links. I hope to post fashion designs as well with LOTS of photography that I will do myself. Eve of course will be my model..which she is extremely excited about and I will feature my friends kids as well. I really hope this blog takes off because everyone needs inspiration and delight in their lives- it makes us happy! Who knows maybe I will end up getting my own buisiness some day, but until then I need a creative outlet with interaction from others. I want to learn and understand how to do things. It is such a great feeling when you look at a nicely finished product that you made and you can say.." I DID THAT!" It's not about the showiness, it's about the accomplishment and the trials along the way that make us a wiser person.

So I bid you adue until then. (I really don't know how to spell that. lol)

Thanks!

I really appreciate all your input, it truly does help. I go so back and forth about what I want to do and what I was really meant to do. Something that has always stuck with me in the back of my head is my blessing that says that I will be able to receive education that will be MOST MEANINGFUL TO ME. I don't really care about the degree part. There are soooo many people that do so many talented things that never went to school or finished for that matter. My goal is to do something that I love within my home (most of the time)lol. I long to help provide and yet have more time with my children and all at the same time expand and utilizing my talents that God gave me. I would absolutely love to have a special creative room that is all my own to go crazy in.
All in due time :)
Until then I will get some classes in and do the things that I have always wanted to do.

Oh and thanks for the complements you all are so sweet...if only I could have you all on my shoulders. he,he

I need more GLAM

OH MY GOODNESS....LOVE IT!!!!!

I am constantly trying to find myself and what my passion truly is. Above is something I came across on ETSY. I love so many things, but to make a living of it is a different story. I do not want the stress of whatever I choose to overtake the love that I have for that particular job. Maybe there is a special career that I can make up that is a variety of things that all go together, that encompasses all that I am. I like to sew and I would love to learn how to look at something and be able to sew it myself and make the pattern for whatever comes into my head. I now know what my style is and I would love to show it more and make things that tell my story and shows my personality. I am finally at a point in my life where I am getting comfortable in my skin and I have accepted the fact that this is me and what's the point of changing it because I am getting happy with myself. I love fashion and design in all aspects. I don't want to stick myself in only one spot for the rest of my life causing me to miss out on so much more creativity. Maybe I will go to school for my own personal experience to find my skills and not just for some piece of paper that says that I have a degree in 1 single area. Oh I simply don't know :( I know I have some time, but I only get older by the day. lol

Here is the list..

Fashion Design (consisting of sewing, accessories, clothing construction, drawing, etc.)

Interior Design (more sewing, drawing, architecture, elemental configuration, building, etc.)

Photography (mainly taking photos of my own products because I am extremely OCD about the way that I want things to look and especially if I made it)

All of this is what makes me happy..I am a frilly, fancy, sparkly girl where too much is never enough!

I have confidence that I will figure it out someway.. somehow..and sometime.

Retraining....HOPEFULLY!!!

Here I am on the computer with no noise in the house....this is a severe rarity! I really feel the need to vent and just type.

These past several months have been extremely hard for me as you all know and something I am having to do out of desperation is RETRAINING myself. I know I have a problem and now with the meds it is all too apparent. Will I ever truly love myself? I feel like crying..for so long the tears just came and now it's kind of the opposite. Out of no where it will just come....it is a hovering feeling and I cannot explain it to anyone, only ones who have gone through it know what I mean. I have had people tell me that I should not have any of those moments or feelings, but I don't agree. You can maybe say that to someone who has depression alone, but I have PTSD which triggers depression and sometimes it's the other way around. THIS is where satan has his hold and now I know it. I cannot tell you how hard it is to try constantly...yes, it is a lot better now, but I am getting so tired. I get so excited about something now and then the shadows roll in and it's like nothing really matters to the point to where I cry my heart out and pray to Heavenly Father to take my soul. I am not bad enough to the point of physical violence, but it does get to that point spiritually when I have my breakdowns. The PTSD sets in and my mind races with memories and feelings...sadness, anger, loss, inadequacy, numbness. My sister had a dream in which she saw me in my agony and she could see the evil spirits and how they where all around me hovering. She said the pain that they seek was so awful that it was exactly like the words in the scriptures. I had never really thought about it that way...the gnashing and wailing of teeth could also mean ALL the horrible feelings that you could not give to the Savior. This is the key that will make or break a person- Being ADDICTED to the pain- in return it becomes our crutch and our excuse for everything not enabling us to rise above and grow. We are here for our free agency and no one can make us do anything that we don't lastly do ourselves...YES people CAN and WILL hurt us, but what are we going to do with the after effects? I choose to say to my Heavenly Father....."Please help me to have the strength to give my frustrations and my inadequacies to my Savior because I know that he already bore it for me and I need to remember and not only KNOW, but FEEL his love!"

I don't want anyone to worry and I don't want sympathies either...I need your ear...I need to voice my feelings and accept them when they come and then do something with them. I already feel a lot better from writing this. Moments come and go and when it is bad they seem to take forever. When all the hinges start turning and working together and not against me... that is when I can sigh a breath of fresh air. Sometimes when my brain changes it is so drastic that I get a bit of a high like I have no cares in the world (my true self) and want to do so many things because I was so altered and then I tend to out do myself. I have been better about this too, like limiting my projects for the day..what's on the calender for the day? Things like that. I pray that I will spend my time more wisely and use it for good. I do want to learn and grow and prosper in any way possible. I still have so much more life to live and I don't want to go about it this way- full of stress and personal turmoil....I am achieving my tools now in hopes for the future.

What Does Life Have In Store?

So I have been thinking A LOT lately about life and what I want out of it....The real question is "Will I ever know?!!!". Honestly! This is such a hard question, especially when you thought you always knew and then you kind of get there and discover maybe something is not for you, or you weren't expecting this, or this isn't as great as you thought it would be, or this is much more work than I ever thought it would be. DON'T GET ME WRONG-I absolutely ADORE my family, even though parenting is the toughest thing and yet the most rewarding. I am speaking in life in general. Here I am just turned 30 and I feel like I have led such a full life already and yet there are many more to live...almost like reincarnation.lol....But seriously it feels like it sometimes. I am sure most of you have looked at a picture from a distant time in your life and you are wondering who the heck is that??? I do not know that person...OH WAIT...SHOOT that was me!? It is kind of comical...yes, but in retrospect those pictures or those experiences have taught me so much and I feel like I am now getting to a point in my life where I am starting to finally get it. Maybe I am having a pre-midlife crisis...BUT SO WHAT! There is so much that I want to do and learn about and I am not getting any younger. It is crazy to think about me being at a restaurant for 11 years! That is NOT by any means something that I ever wanted, we all make sacrifices and through it I have learned to truly enjoy it- but I am getting tired.

I feel a change coming on and it is not small at ALL! I cannot really explain it well enough for anyone to really understand where I am coming from. No this doesn't really have anything to do with my depression, but I have gained knowledge through it. Finding myself was essential for my growth. I am put many limitations on myself and tried to be much more forgiving and it really has helped tremendously. It sounds funny but I listen to myself first before I do things now or at least I try to.lol. Through many prayers I have had to some answers to my many questions. We both feel very strongly to leave out house. I would love to rent it out and not have felt good about selling so far. We are looking to make this change by the Summer hopefully. It's not that I don't love my house..I just have reached a point to where it is a crutch and we have to back up before we go forward. The house comes with so much responsibility and attention and I just cannot give it that. Heck, I have a hard enough time managing kids let alone myself. I used to get anxiety attacks when I thought about leaving our house and now being where we are at..I am at peace and if anything I feel reassured every time it comes up that it is right for our family.
We would be living maybe with his parents to lesson the stress

The other huge change is SCHOOL....Geoff and I KNOW that it is time for him and as we have been researching school for him I have had a strong impression that it is getting to be time for me too. We both have had blessings in which they state that we will have opportunities for education and that it will help me in my professional life and for Geoff that he will be able to choose a career that will make him happy. . We would be starting school here and then getting enough credits to eventually end up at BYU Hawaii. This is something that G really wants to do and if it is right than I fully support him on it. Who wouldn't love to live by the sea? HA, yes I know that there are many pros and cons..and we will cross that bridge when it comes. I am not going to stress out about it now and I have faith that if it is meant to be and we are doing what we are suppose to then it will all work out if WE work hard ourselves.Overall I need to support and help Geoff find what he wants to do with his life. I would love to feel more like the stay at home mom and not so much the equal moneymaker. I just mean that I would love to sit back more and take a breather for myself and through that I know that he will be able to grow into the person that he can be. I would also love to do something fun for me.

Through this process I have come up with a;

30 SOMETHING BUCKET LIST

Spend more time with my family
Have real dates with Geoff
Have more fun
Go back to school
Get a degree in some sort of design ( I am thinking fashion)
Eventually retire from Outback and NEVER serve again!!!
See Disney World
Experience all of Hawaii
Draw and paint more
Enhance my skills and know my gifts and use them often
DANCE!
Learn Ballet
Learn Ballroom
Learn Swing and Jive
Maybe even Tap?
If it is in the cards have the last child...(if it is meant to be God will let me know)
Take a tour of Europe with just Geoff and I for our 15th anniversary
Know where I want home to be
Take more mini family vacations
Create something wonderful..maybe my dream house.

Just a note; I have already started a few of these. I got a few Dancing With The Stars dvds and have been dancing with one and I went Sat. and got 2 more because I LOVE them so much!!!! I have always wanted to learn how to dance and we could never afford them when I was little so I gonna do it. I am gearing myself up before I take actual courses at a school. Dancing is so fun and it is an awesome workout. I even got some vintage silver ballroom shoes and they work!

Well that's life around here and hopefully it will be a little boring for the month while I continue going through my house.