The Swanger Family

Tiger's 3rd bday On the plane!

2011-01-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

2011-01-08T00:55:00.000-08:00

2011-01-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Swanger Family Update

2010-11-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness it has been such a long time!!!! Lets see.... Eve and Jackson both go to Hazel Dell elem. and it is good, but quite a transition. It is crazy to see my big guy in K and my first in 3rd grade...I REMEMBER 3RD GRADE!!!!! That is when you know you are truly getting older. Eve is now 9 and Jackson is 6.

We are still living in Geoff's parent's house and we are very blessed to do so. We make it work. It is nice not having all the responsibilities of a home owner on me right now in my life and I don't know when I will able to do so either. We will probably be in a transitional period for quite some time. I cannot quite explain what I feel and what I know is best for our family. We just want to become a stronger family and bring ourselves to Christ. Our life is so complicated making us detour from which we really want....time with each other. We are renting out our house and the last change was changing wards and going to 1st which is in the boundaries. I am having a little bit of a hard time with this new ward, but I know that this change was time. The ward is very dry and although I have found a couple warm spirits I feel very lonely and on my own. The meetings are different and I don't mean to knock it, but the spiritualness that I felt in my old ward was so much stronger and I find I have to really depend on my own personal testimony for strength. It is all a learning experience and I know it's a part of the refining process.

Geoff is looking into a profession which has just kind of crept up on us this past year and now we are both feeling really good about it. If everything goes well and we still feel this is right than he can start school as soon as Jan. 3rd. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father will provide a way!! I am normally a basketcase and yet I have had complete peace though out all our struggles and this life changing decision. It is amazing to me to look back on the past year and see all the changes that have happened and what has fallen into place. I've learned most of all this year that the eternal importances are the only things worth really worrying about.

We have only until the end of the month until we go on our big vacation to Florida!! :)
We are leaving on the 30th which is Manti's 3rd birthday. We will return after the 12th of Dec. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary on Dec. 2nd and going to Harry Potter park (us only) and then Disney World with the family. G's parents are coming back at the end of the first week with Eve and Jackson so that G and I can go to Key West for the remainder of the trip and visit his sister who lives there with her family. We will have Tiger with us and we will have so much fun! Hopefully the monster side of him will stay with the house while we are gone, but I know that is asking for a miracle.

I can't believe we are staring at Thanksgiving already!! And then the craziness of Black Friday (which I don't know if I will be participating in this year) and then we leave and when we come back it will be Christmas around the corner. I actually am almost done with Christmas. I got my kids done a month and a half ago! That is just pure craziness for me, but now with all the business of our everyday lives I am so grateful that that oportunity fell in my lap. Then it will be New Years and G will start school... hopefully!! At that point a huge change will happen for me and that is going down to 2 shifts a week, that is half of what I work currantly. Next month I will have been working at OB for 12 years!!!!! So this change is really gigantic for me and for our family and for my marriage. I will try 2 and if it doesn't work than 1 and if that still doesn't work than I am totally willing to part with it in my determination for a better life and most of all a stronger family. I have known for some time that I am nearing the end of my profession and this chapter in my life is almost done. I don't want to work anymore, I dream of being home with my family. I know that is so hard to do this, but it will be worth it. I just want G to choose a profession that he will be happy with and that he can prosper and grow while providing enough for me to not to ever HAVE to work. We know that we have to take steps backwards before we can go in this direction.

Blue Luxx

2010-08-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am having a hair accessories/ jewelry open house this Friday the 27th and Saturday the 28th from 11:30-2:00 both days. There is something for all ages and from all different prices, but everything is wholesale and much, much less than you would pay for in any retail. Most of my items are silver and gold and are high quality. If you are interested please come and tell anyone who you think would be interested. Location is 8712 NE 35TH AVE.

I have listed items on my fun creative blog @ sassychicstyle.blogspot.com

Also email me if you have any questions BLUE LUXX by SAS @ sasevechiclive.com

Thanks, SAS

2010-08-01T01:47:00.000-07:00

I am just letting you know I am still here.... well somewhat.

Life is a transition I don't ever think I will get used to. I feel like I am several people packed into this body with all different kinds of emotions, thoughts and personalities and my brain is trying to juggle them all. I am tired... oh so tired!!!

I don't know what I want to do with my life and I am growing tired of the one I am living and I am only 30 years old.. this is quite sad. I am worn out and I need direction. I love my family and without them I would be lost entirely. I have a wonderful husband that seems to love me to no end and can't picture his future without me. I have 3 wonderfully unique and crazy kids that I adore. I will say that G and I do make some dang good look'n kids. he,he,he

I am unsettled and I do not like it, no I do not like it one bit!!! I am a planner and an avid organizer for those that don't know me too much. I like things color coordinated, put in specific places, organized by item....I like walls...space...it allows me to breath fully. My body cannot physically handle stress anymore and I get horribly sick to the point of pretty much non functioning. I am just venting here people- I haven't done it in a while and it feels good. I am learning I am not the only person in this world that feels these certain things.

2010-07-10T08:40:00.001-07:00

I had a difficult time last night, it really sunk in. I understand all too well the misery that one can feel from depression. After shedding many tears I made myself go to sleep and just sat there while my thoughts turned to Randy's face and what pain can really do to you. I understand it and I am so grateful to have that understanding. Through this I know my Savior more and know what his Atonement really offers all of us.

I woke up this morning to a hymn in my head, something that never usually happens and I know it was the Spirit giving me comfort.

I STAND ALL AMAZED AT THE LOVE JESUS OFFERS ME.....CONFUSED AT THE GRACE THAT SO FULLY HE PROFFERS ME..THAT FOR ME A SINNER HE SUFFERED HE BLED AND DIED... OH IT IS WONDERFUL THAT HE SHOULD CARE FOR ME ENOUGH TO DIE FOR ME....OH IT IS WONDERFUL , WONDERFUL TO ME!
TO RESCUE A SOUL SO REBELLIOUS AND PROUD AS MINE...THAT HE SHOULD EXTEND HIS GREAT LOVE UNTO SUCH AS I... SUFFICIENT TO OWN TO REDEEM AND TO JUSTIFY...SUCH MERCY, SUCH LOVE AND DEVOTION CAN I FORGET?.. NO, NO I WILL PRAISE AND ADORE AT THE MERCY SEAT...UNTIL AT THE GLORIFIED THRONE I KNEEL AT HIS FEET....OH IT IS WONDERFUL THAT HE SHOULD CARE FOR ME ENOUGH TO DIE FOR ME...OH IT IS WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL TO ME!

2010-07-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

Today has been a day that I would never want to relive. There are so many things thoughts that are racing through my brain and yet I am empty. I just wanted to share a quote that I found today that brought me comfort..."It is NEVER too late for peace". I believe this with ALL my heart and I know that God wants this for us. HE loves us more that we can even comprehend. Our Savior suffered for us and took that upon HIM so that we would not have to, but as we all know life does not happen the way that we want or think it should. All I am saying is that there is so much grace when we seek for it. God is loving and God is merciful! The only thing that brings me comfort is that my brother in law is now finaly at peace and can actually feel pure and unconditional love.

June 11th

2010-06-12T00:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like saying...I give up! I give up on trying soooo hard! I seem to do it try to do it all and then when I realize that it's too much I don't do it at all. I desire to keep up with my blog and my dreams and projects and then I have no energy left. We have been moving so fast and if that's not enough we have all been sick off and on. We can't seem to catch a break!

My sisters Amber and Linsy where able to come and visit me for a while with little Emily. The situation was quite different to say the least. The first day Amber said...Sarah, do you every miss your house? I replied..NO! She said REALLY?! I DO! lol....so funny. It is hard to explain, but there is a time and a season for everything and I just know without a doubt that we where supposed to leave the house. I am however learning that hard way that I need to pick and choose my battles. This house that we are in is not mine and it is hard to be in a space that is not organized like I am used to. I am not saying that my house was perfect by any means, it's just different all together. I like things neat and tidy and you can't simply do that with little children. WHERE IS THE BALANCE???? This is my struggle.

I am on racing speed and I am going out of control. I know that I have an addiction problem and it is filling the space that evolves within me. Whether it is food, shopping, organizing, cleaning etc. they all feed it. I need to put myself in productive timeouts where I give myself genuine TLC. It sounds dorky, but it works. We spend all day cleaning, mending, washing, feeding, etc...we really need to set a certain amount of time out for ourselves and ourselves alone....not shopping for jeans for the kids.

I think I want to take a break from my life and my expectations and we'll see where that gets me.

A long day

2010-04-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

I was able to catch a few minutes in the tub full of hot water, it is always relaxing. I am so tired right now because I was cleaning and organizing over at the inlaws. There was a lot of dust and it was hard to breath for a while. I love seeing order....it is actually fun for me! It was also nice because the stuff was not mine and I could look at the stuff from a different point of view and not be so attached.

So for the docket tomorrow is more organizing and a little cleaning and maybe some painting. Happy rolling!

April Madness

2010-04-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

Yes it has been a while...I have been having some lows lately and it really gets to me and I tend to put myself in a box. I usually am pretty outgoing and when I have my down days I don't want to see or hear from anyone..just be by myself. It is a cruel and vicious cycle and no matter how much sleep I get it is never enough. All of this has made me really aware of myself and what is normal and what is depression. I have been so good for so long and I didn't understand why satan was working on me so hard...it all makes sense now and for the first time in a while I woke up and felt a little excited and freer.

We can now say publicly that we are moving!!!! It has been a long process and somehow everything has fallen into place. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life...this is proof that Heavenly Father watches out for me and for my family. We have said countless prayers for direction and purpose and we are finally getting on that path.

We are are renting out our house and moving in with Geoff's parents and paying off debts and saving up and most of all going to school. The house is too much for me to take care of all by myself. Geoff will be working as much as possible this late Spring and Summer and then he is going to start school in the fall still while working at Frito. I know that he will not have the time and energy to do much and staying in the house is too stressful physically, mentally and financially. If we stayed in the house I would have to continue to work about the same that I am right now..4 nights a week to keep up with the finances. It's just not worth it and yet the Spirit has confirmed to me that selling is not right either and that's when the the idea for renting out came in my head. It's nuts because right when that happened I thought of this family who I could call reguarding renting out because I knew that they where renting and I don't know much about it. So I called and she said that they where wanting to leave their rental and end their lease in the Spring! And from there things have just fallen into place. I am eager to downsize and de-stress my life. I would love to also start taking classes for me too and do more activities with my children and be more involved period. So that is our story. We will continue to stay in our ward because we love it and our friends and if anything I will be able to see more of them than I do right now! I miss being able to go out and hang out, I am trapped at home or at work. I like working to a point, but I am tired and I feel the time is now. It's weird...I usually am anxious and worried, but I haven't been..it's been total peaceful. The sadness is the hard things to shake and it's a weakness and I will have to fight it always.

I am expanding my horizons creatively and trying to figure out what I really want to do. So I marched myself down to the WA ST. IRS office and got a business license. My company in called Blue Luxx. I am going to start with hair accessories and then work up to photography. I love props and fun whimsical stuff and also many other things too. I want to have a collection of things in a wide variety that people can choose to use for their photos. The problem now is space. I might only be able to do outdoor for now. We are actually going to rent out a storage and I thought about getting a bigger one and using that for my business too. It would be nice to have a place to keep backgrounds and props with lighting/photo accessories. We will see what the future holds. lol

Back to the house..........we are going to be out before May first. IT IS CRAZY, but I know it's the right thing to do. So many doors are opening for us and I can't help, but tear up from gratefulness.

Also today I decided that we are for sure going to visit my two sisters in Idaho in the beginning of June at their new house and see all their family. Little Emily will be so excited to see Ti Ti. I am already breathing easier.

Today I took mostly everything off my walls and I had no problem with it. I know it will all come together, we even have the dining set taken care of that we needed to sell. Now it's onto the big screen and surround sound. It is an awesome system, but it's not worth keeping and we don't have the space and the time either. I am excited to NOT have cable or satellite, I don't know if I will ever get it again. SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY!!!!!

I will keep up better with the updates.

My sister

2010-03-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Ah man it's been a whirl wind over here and I can't seem to get my barrings. I literally feel like I am being tossed to and fro and there is no dry land in sight. My course is day by day and I am ultimately subjected by the waves that surround me. I have to say how thankful I am to my husband for understanding that there are days where I can barely take care of myself and that is where he steps in with love and charity. I have felt like I need to breathe fresh clean air and can't find it...there is no breath deep enough to subside, calm and take the anxiety away. I have the little therapist in my ear coaching me, but when you can't even focus it seems like an unreachable task.

We received some serious news about my sister's health...in short she has results from her MRI. They found she has a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. When she called I couldn't grasp it...WHAT? It figures..because she ALWAYS has health problems. I just feel so much for her and for her family. We are talking intensely major surgery! There are some good things that they found out apparently, but all in all it is a very scary thing. I have become really close to this sister and I would easily say she has become one of my very best friends. I have only 2 sisters that I really have revealed my heart and soul to and she is one of them. I love her sooooo much! After I got off the phone it took a little while to set in and then came the tears and immediate sickness in the pit of my stomach, which still has not gone away. It has been a few days and my heart physically hurts and it brings me such sadness. I am trying to be as positive as possible because she still has yet to find a specialist and figure out where to go from there.

I am asking myself questions...What are you going to take from this? Are you learning what really matters? How can you help? What would you feel like if that was you? How can you be the most compassionate being where you am at in my life.

I am beginning to understand things a little more clearer and the days are passing and finding strength when I get to my knees in prayer. We already know that no matter what it truly is up to God and we can only rely on our Savior to get us through. Through trials it seems hard to remember that God did not inflict this upon us for some sort of revenge, empowerment or because we think we deserved it.. HE is our Father...it is simply LIFE-A TEST IN AND OF ITSELF. Ultimately HE is allowing such things for our benefit- to be closer to him.

What's going on..

2010-02-25T12:55:00.001-08:00

NEW BLOG

2010-02-20T13:47:00.000-08:00

Here it is ....sassychicstyle.blogspot.com
and my new email for it.. sasevechic@live.com

FOLLOW IT...IT WILL BE GREAT!!!! :)

New Blog Coming SOON!

2010-02-19T00:08:00.000-08:00

Well after a lot of thought and not as much going on for the next little while.. I have to decided to finally create my own special blog. The Swangerlings one will be our family and events and so forth.

The blog will feature everything fun and wonderful. I will be posting things that I find that inspire me..whether they be people or some work of art does not matter. I will start from that point and see how far I go with it and if I get many followers. My goal is for it to be a blank piece of paper..something that can be ANYTHING! I encourage comments and ideas and links. I hope to post fashion designs as well with LOTS of photography that I will do myself. Eve of course will be my model..which she is extremely excited about and I will feature my friends kids as well. I really hope this blog takes off because everyone needs inspiration and delight in their lives- it makes us happy! Who knows maybe I will end up getting my own buisiness some day, but until then I need a creative outlet with interaction from others. I want to learn and understand how to do things. It is such a great feeling when you look at a nicely finished product that you made and you can say.." I DID THAT!" It's not about the showiness, it's about the accomplishment and the trials along the way that make us a wiser person.

So I bid you adue until then. (I really don't know how to spell that. lol)

Thanks!

2010-02-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

I really appreciate all your input, it truly does help. I go so back and forth about what I want to do and what I was really meant to do. Something that has always stuck with me in the back of my head is my blessing that says that I will be able to receive education that will be MOST MEANINGFUL TO ME. I don't really care about the degree part. There are soooo many people that do so many talented things that never went to school or finished for that matter. My goal is to do something that I love within my home (most of the time)lol. I long to help provide and yet have more time with my children and all at the same time expand and utilizing my talents that God gave me. I would absolutely love to have a special creative room that is all my own to go crazy in.
All in due time :)
Until then I will get some classes in and do the things that I have always wanted to do.

Oh and thanks for the complements you all are so sweet...if only I could have you all on my shoulders. he,he

I need more GLAM

2010-02-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOODNESS....LOVE IT!!!!!

I am constantly trying to find myself and what my passion truly is. Above is something I came across on ETSY. I love so many things, but to make a living of it is a different story. I do not want the stress of whatever I choose to overtake the love that I have for that particular job. Maybe there is a special career that I can make up that is a variety of things that all go together, that encompasses all that I am. I like to sew and I would love to learn how to look at something and be able to sew it myself and make the pattern for whatever comes into my head. I now know what my style is and I would love to show it more and make things that tell my story and shows my personality. I am finally at a point in my life where I am getting comfortable in my skin and I have accepted the fact that this is me and what's the point of changing it because I am getting happy with myself. I love fashion and design in all aspects. I don't want to stick myself in only one spot for the rest of my life causing me to miss out on so much more creativity. Maybe I will go to school for my own personal experience to find my skills and not just for some piece of paper that says that I have a degree in 1 single area. Oh I simply don't know :( I know I have some time, but I only get older by the day. lol

Here is the list..

Fashion Design (consisting of sewing, accessories, clothing construction, drawing, etc.)

Interior Design (more sewing, drawing, architecture, elemental configuration, building, etc.)

Photography (mainly taking photos of my own products because I am extremely OCD about the way that I want things to look and especially if I made it)

All of this is what makes me happy..I am a frilly, fancy, sparkly girl where too much is never enough!

I have confidence that I will figure it out someway.. somehow..and sometime.

Retraining....HOPEFULLY!!!

2010-02-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

Here I am on the computer with no noise in the house....this is a severe rarity! I really feel the need to vent and just type.

These past several months have been extremely hard for me as you all know and something I am having to do out of desperation is RETRAINING myself. I know I have a problem and now with the meds it is all too apparent. Will I ever truly love myself? I feel like crying..for so long the tears just came and now it's kind of the opposite. Out of no where it will just come....it is a hovering feeling and I cannot explain it to anyone, only ones who have gone through it know what I mean. I have had people tell me that I should not have any of those moments or feelings, but I don't agree. You can maybe say that to someone who has depression alone, but I have PTSD which triggers depression and sometimes it's the other way around. THIS is where satan has his hold and now I know it. I cannot tell you how hard it is to try constantly...yes, it is a lot better now, but I am getting so tired. I get so excited about something now and then the shadows roll in and it's like nothing really matters to the point to where I cry my heart out and pray to Heavenly Father to take my soul. I am not bad enough to the point of physical violence, but it does get to that point spiritually when I have my breakdowns. The PTSD sets in and my mind races with memories and feelings...sadness, anger, loss, inadequacy, numbness. My sister had a dream in which she saw me in my agony and she could see the evil spirits and how they where all around me hovering. She said the pain that they seek was so awful that it was exactly like the words in the scriptures. I had never really thought about it that way...the gnashing and wailing of teeth could also mean ALL the horrible feelings that you could not give to the Savior. This is the key that will make or break a person- Being ADDICTED to the pain- in return it becomes our crutch and our excuse for everything not enabling us to rise above and grow. We are here for our free agency and no one can make us do anything that we don't lastly do ourselves...YES people CAN and WILL hurt us, but what are we going to do with the after effects? I choose to say to my Heavenly Father....."Please help me to have the strength to give my frustrations and my inadequacies to my Savior because I know that he already bore it for me and I need to remember and not only KNOW, but FEEL his love!"

I don't want anyone to worry and I don't want sympathies either...I need your ear...I need to voice my feelings and accept them when they come and then do something with them. I already feel a lot better from writing this. Moments come and go and when it is bad they seem to take forever. When all the hinges start turning and working together and not against me... that is when I can sigh a breath of fresh air. Sometimes when my brain changes it is so drastic that I get a bit of a high like I have no cares in the world (my true self) and want to do so many things because I was so altered and then I tend to out do myself. I have been better about this too, like limiting my projects for the day..what's on the calender for the day? Things like that. I pray that I will spend my time more wisely and use it for good. I do want to learn and grow and prosper in any way possible. I still have so much more life to live and I don't want to go about it this way- full of stress and personal turmoil....I am achieving my tools now in hopes for the future.

What Does Life Have In Store?

2010-01-31T23:37:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking A LOT lately about life and what I want out of it....The real question is "Will I ever know?!!!". Honestly! This is such a hard question, especially when you thought you always knew and then you kind of get there and discover maybe something is not for you, or you weren't expecting this, or this isn't as great as you thought it would be, or this is much more work than I ever thought it would be. DON'T GET ME WRONG-I absolutely ADORE my family, even though parenting is the toughest thing and yet the most rewarding. I am speaking in life in general. Here I am just turned 30 and I feel like I have led such a full life already and yet there are many more to live...almost like reincarnation.lol....But seriously it feels like it sometimes. I am sure most of you have looked at a picture from a distant time in your life and you are wondering who the heck is that??? I do not know that person...OH WAIT...SHOOT that was me!? It is kind of comical...yes, but in retrospect those pictures or those experiences have taught me so much and I feel like I am now getting to a point in my life where I am starting to finally get it. Maybe I am having a pre-midlife crisis...BUT SO WHAT! There is so much that I want to do and learn about and I am not getting any younger. It is crazy to think about me being at a restaurant for 11 years! That is NOT by any means something that I ever wanted, we all make sacrifices and through it I have learned to truly enjoy it- but I am getting tired.

I feel a change coming on and it is not small at ALL! I cannot really explain it well enough for anyone to really understand where I am coming from. No this doesn't really have anything to do with my depression, but I have gained knowledge through it. Finding myself was essential for my growth. I am put many limitations on myself and tried to be much more forgiving and it really has helped tremendously. It sounds funny but I listen to myself first before I do things now or at least I try to.lol. Through many prayers I have had to some answers to my many questions. We both feel very strongly to leave out house. I would love to rent it out and not have felt good about selling so far. We are looking to make this change by the Summer hopefully. It's not that I don't love my house..I just have reached a point to where it is a crutch and we have to back up before we go forward. The house comes with so much responsibility and attention and I just cannot give it that. Heck, I have a hard enough time managing kids let alone myself. I used to get anxiety attacks when I thought about leaving our house and now being where we are at..I am at peace and if anything I feel reassured every time it comes up that it is right for our family.
We would be living maybe with his parents to lesson the stress

The other huge change is SCHOOL....Geoff and I KNOW that it is time for him and as we have been researching school for him I have had a strong impression that it is getting to be time for me too. We both have had blessings in which they state that we will have opportunities for education and that it will help me in my professional life and for Geoff that he will be able to choose a career that will make him happy. . We would be starting school here and then getting enough credits to eventually end up at BYU Hawaii. This is something that G really wants to do and if it is right than I fully support him on it. Who wouldn't love to live by the sea? HA, yes I know that there are many pros and cons..and we will cross that bridge when it comes. I am not going to stress out about it now and I have faith that if it is meant to be and we are doing what we are suppose to then it will all work out if WE work hard ourselves.Overall I need to support and help Geoff find what he wants to do with his life. I would love to feel more like the stay at home mom and not so much the equal moneymaker. I just mean that I would love to sit back more and take a breather for myself and through that I know that he will be able to grow into the person that he can be. I would also love to do something fun for me.

Through this process I have come up with a;

30 SOMETHING BUCKET LIST

Spend more time with my family
Have real dates with Geoff
Have more fun
Go back to school
Get a degree in some sort of design ( I am thinking fashion)
Eventually retire from Outback and NEVER serve again!!!
See Disney World
Experience all of Hawaii
Draw and paint more
Enhance my skills and know my gifts and use them often
DANCE!
Learn Ballet
Learn Ballroom
Learn Swing and Jive
Maybe even Tap?
If it is in the cards have the last child...(if it is meant to be God will let me know)
Take a tour of Europe with just Geoff and I for our 15th anniversary
Know where I want home to be
Take more mini family vacations
Create something wonderful..maybe my dream house.

Just a note; I have already started a few of these. I got a few Dancing With The Stars dvds and have been dancing with one and I went Sat. and got 2 more because I LOVE them so much!!!! I have always wanted to learn how to dance and we could never afford them when I was little so I gonna do it. I am gearing myself up before I take actual courses at a school. Dancing is so fun and it is an awesome workout. I even got some vintage silver ballroom shoes and they work!

Well that's life around here and hopefully it will be a little boring for the month while I continue going through my house.

1930's 30TH BDAY PARTY

2010-01-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

30TH BIRTHDAY PICS

2010-01-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

I loved doing the close ups, usually I would never do them, but I love the look of them. They are very stylish.

I think this one is my ultimate favorite. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a "tasteful" bedroom shot.

These ones came out really good too.

I finally got to use my feather boas that I bought a while ago.lol

WOH IS ME!

2010-01-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am sadly going to be kissing my 20's good bye right around the corner. I am getting a little depressed and saddened by the whole idea that I am in fact getting older and reaching a new stage in life. This really can't be happening, just like how I have a kid that is 8 years old and that I have been with my husband for almost 12 years this spring!!! SO CRAZY! I really if anything feel more like a kid than ever. As that old famous saying goes..."AS TIME GOES BY".

I however have been doing a lot better lately, but I am still very tired and it makes it so I can't do a whole lot these days. I think it is just an effect of the meds that I have to get used to, but overall I could not imagine my life without them. I am so thankful for my blessings and my family and friends and all the support you all give me. I will report back after the party on Saturday choking back a few tears along the way. lol

HELLO!

2009-12-21T00:32:00.000-08:00

AW MAN! So much has been going on these days....it has been a whirl wind around here. To fill you in, I had a blast with my family in October as you could tell, but I was ready to get back to my "insane" normalcy. Let's see..... November came in a flash and before I knew it it was Thanksgiving. I decided for the first time I would take it slow and stay home for most of the day and then go to Geoff's family's feast for a couple hours and then go back home and let me tell you how refreshing it was not having to worry about anything more than rolls and a bunch of deviled eggs. I have been listening to myself and recognizing when I need to slow down, speed up or just not do anything at all! I am getting tired of appointments already..for me, Geoff, Eve and Manti. Everyone is healthy- we are thankful for that. We are just trying to get through the day and not fall apart, me anyway. I have been on meds for a little while and they have helped more than I EVER would have dreamed!!! It makes me so grateful for the blessings of resources that are out there for us when we are in our time of need. YES, there are still some bad days, but for the most part I am doing a lot better. I am going to my Lord in all things and giving what I cannot handle to my Savior. How thankful I am for the knowledge of the true and everlasting Gospel. It is a sad day for me because I taught for the last time in Relief Society and it was heart breaking because I so loved my calling even though it required so much of me. When called, at first I though how could I teach? I am learning from so many others! I need to sit and receive direction from other's lessons..why me? And then a surge of calmness took over and the Spirit instilled a sense of motivation that I COULD do it! It was right and more than anything I have learned that with the Spirit by my side I can do anything no matter how hard it may seem- that is what faith is all about...accepting God's will and not ours.

So after Thanksgiving my baby turned 2 on the 30th. It makes me sad, but I am realizing that it's alright for time to move and I need to start rejoicing in it. I take baby steps. We had so much fun with our little family and the grandparents ONLY at Manti's monster birthday party. It was so fun to not have the stress. It was amazing to actually sit down and experience the party with my kids. I honestly have never done that really. We started off in the dining room with it all decorated and everything monsters. I thought how appropriate it would be to read a few monster books with my crazy monster mask on. It was so fun! My kids loved hearing the stories and then we all played 3 monster games..bone toss, monster match, and monster bingo. What a blast! And the cake...G had a great idea with this cool pan set I got him for his birthday one year. He teamed up with his mom and made the coolest monster ball cake, fully decorated with layers. The best part of all is that I didn't have to worry about making it..I was at work- how stress free is that?! We hung out and enjoyed our company together.

The next day after Tiger's bday we went to sunny KONA, HI ! It was kindof a surprise gift from G's parents with free air miles and 2 hundred dollar bills in a happy 9Th anniversary card! Oh they gave it to us on Manti's actual birthday which was on a Monday, but we celebrated the party the night before on Sunday. I was working a long shift and they came in for Manti's birthday for kid's eat free night and handed me the card and said that's you tip! lol NICE!!! I was not expecting that at all. They also helped us get in touch with a family friend so that we could stay with her for next to nothing. I had such a glorious time and we so needed it! It really made us think outside of the box and how much life there is to live and what we want to do with it. I felt like a kid again. So in short we are thinking of some drastic changes and we will see how it pans out. I could go on and on about this trip and how beautiful it was...in the 80s the whole time, sunny and looking at that gorgeous blue ocean. I honestly dream about it almost every night since I have been back. I did have quite a hard time adjusting back into the cold weather. I have never been on a trip in which I did not want to get off the plane. If it weren't for my kids..ha,ha. I actually was a little sad that they could not enjoy the beauty of the ocean for themselves.

This holiday season I am going lower stress....not so many decorations and only 1 tree. I am however doing the Christmas party at my house this year for the very first time ever! Something that is really nice that Geoff's family does is soups, sandwiches, appetizers, finger foods and deserts..oh did I mention deserts? lol I look forward to vegging out, playing games, seeing my kids' smiling faces as they open gifts and most of all the family memories that will be created.

October 09

2009-11-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

This is miss Emily Jayne Manti's cousin...they are bestest friends and she was able to come stay with us for 2 weeks. We had so much fun and she loves to call him TI TI (sounded tie) it is sooo cute and now thats what the kids call him too.

Emily is only 10 weeks younger that Tiger so I know that they have a special bond.

We were able to get in a quick pumpkin patch trip from the one off the freeway and it was surprisingly better than I thought it would be.

The kids got their wagons and was off to find that special pumpkin.

Eve looks like a scarecrow in this picture.

Jackson was a little bummed because I told him he already got his earlier when his preschool went to Bizi Farms and that it wouldn't be fair if I said he could get a second one and not Eve or Manti.

There are lots of pictures of my sister Amber and her daughter Emily so be prepared for many pictures because these are for family members too.

I love this one!!!

Of course there always has to be one silly one and it's usually Jackson so I am really confused:)

He wanted to do it all by himself..it was so adorable. I can't believe that my baby is going to be 2 at the end of the month, it really does make me sad.

There is my crazy girl in the corn maze.

She cracks me up.

This was Jackson's Halloween party for his preschool. Jackson as you can see was Darth Vader this year and he got the breathing down too.

This is my fave! The little ghosts where such a good idea.

I invited my sister to come because I thought Emily would have a good time, but she really only enjoyed the sucker.

This is a little girl in Jack's preschool and she had the most beautiful costume on. Her family is from our church and in our ward and her grandmother made this costume..it was amazing!
I want one!

On the night before Halloween we all got together for a sister's night at my house. It was so nice to have the whole weekend off and enjoy the company.

These are my wonderful sisters..
back row: Linsy, Kaylene (sister in law), Amy, Debbie
front row:Lisa, me, Tania, Amber

Well since my sisters Amber and Linsy came into town my other sister Amy came in for the weekend from Pullman area and stayed at my house. Yes there where a lot of people in my house, but it was fun. Amy brought her 3 daughters as well.

Eve and Emma

I thought it would be really fun to dress up this year and be pary fairies for some odd reason. I don't even remember why or how I got the idea? It is funny because my sister Linsy had a dream about the party before she even knew about it and called me up after and asked if we where planning on doing anything on Halloween and if so dressing up? I thought it was so crazy because I had been meaning to ask them about it and just kept forgetting. Well we all decided to be our own fairy and yet be alike at the same time. I ended up going for more of a punk/gothic feel with the black for a change and more adult too. Linsy was a purple more gothic fairy, Amber was more of a dark Tinkerbell fairy and as for me..I am a mix of everything. I had this idea and then ended up expanding on it while we where making the costumes. Mine was a Grecian-Flapper style, it was different, but hey I am different!

I should've gone with the black shoes..oh well. By the way we made these costumes from scratch..we made the patterns and cut and sewed and cut again for hours. lol

This one is my favorite.

This one is really cute.

Here we are setting off for trick or treating and I caught a bat...he,he. I loved this costume when Jackson wore in and I still love it..so adorable.

Linsy headed back to open the door for the trick or treaters at my house.

Our neighbors house was a little too scary for the kids. (Jackson mainly)

Eve was a dead Charpe' from high school musical. I don't know how to spell her name.

This is Jackson scared.

Manti wanted to walk by himself and hold the bucket all on his own and he did not like Eve telling him other wise.

He was mad that I cought a picture..got to get to that candy, candy, candy.

Emily loves bones...bones...bones....

They where so cute holding hands.

Eve got "eveattude" and started throwing a fit...it gets annoying.

We all just hung out after we went around the neighborhood and ate snacks.

We had a family night the next night and played some games at my brother's house.

My brother Brandon and his wife Kaylene.

Emma and Eve

Reflection

2009-10-20T22:13:00.001-07:00

Here she is!...YES that is my little girl. I sit and ponder about my little miracle, all babies are miracles. I remember how thankful I was that Heavenly Father sent me this angel....she was mine..NO she is OURS...it still really hits me. Do I really even know what an eternal family is?
She is a strong soul and she is so forgiving, wise beyond her years. I was amazed at her answers when she was interviewed by the bishop. I thought...I have not taught her enough, this is all her. She knew what she was doing and it made me happy that it was her choice, not because she felt like it was expected of her. EVE was baptized October 10th.

Geoff's dad gave the talk on baptism and auntie Jessie gave a talk on the Holy Spirit. I felt the Spirit so strong that it choked me up..their talks where perfect.

It is so special for me to look at this picture...I will always have mine in my head of when I was baptized and it looks so much like this one.

I love this picture because this is the way I want Eve to see me..with a smile. I had a big girl talk with her the other night and explained some heavy stuff to her. I felt that she deserved to know what has been going on with us lately..me mainly. I tossed it around in my head..is she too little? too young? The thought kept coming back that I really needed to sit down and have a heart to heart. I want her to know that I am so imperfect..that we all have struggles, we all get sad and some of us get really sad. I hope that though this she can learn that she can trust me and come to me with any difficulty that she faces. I promised myself that I would be open and honest with my kids...to just be real. Now the time has come to do just that.

Yah, she came home with the black eye from school and we don't know how she got it...lol

Our bishop and his wife.

Yummm coookkieeess

Geoff's sister Jessie and her family

After the baptism we went to Farmer's Market in downtown Vancouver.

Favorite auntie Shelle and EVE

At dinner time our friends came back over and we ate and played some games.

Oh! We had ice cream sundaes too...soooo good.

Sunday

2009-10-05T11:19:00.001-07:00

I just thought of this..so cute! During conference Manti gets the wipes on the floor and I could hear the bag so I of course barked at him.."What are you doing!!!?" I look over and see him with those sweet big brown eyes and he looks at me like "mommy what's wrong?" The bag wasn't opened to my surprise and then I surveyed what he was doing. I looked down in my frustration and saw "Lucky" our St. Patricks March bear from Build a Bear and realized what he was up to...Manti was holding a diaper and trying to arrange it in a way that he could open it to put in under Lucky's bum. I then felt like a HORRIBLE mother and was sad for a few seconds and then I asked myself "what are you going to do?" I picked up the diaper and helped Tiger open it and put it on Lucky..he looked up with such a gleam in his eye and smiled a gigantic smile with an adorable laugh. It was simple thing, a simple moment, but it was wonderful and it taught me so much! Through my troubles and frustrations/stress.... it is robbing me of my small and precious moments! My little boy is growing up and I will NEVER be able to turn back the clock.

Tiger's Driving Me CRAZY!!!

2009-09-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness I am about to go berserk! Manti is upstairs and not very happy about it.

I have had a list going in my head about all the different things that I have had to encounter with this one. There is something that gets added just about every week these days. lol

Things Manti loves to do:

-SCREAM! Not just scream, but SCREEEAAAMMM as if he is going into some sort of shock. I seriously think that he has stress attacks which I am going to address with the doctor on Friday.

- Convulsions with jumping and completely freaking at bed time. (tonight I put him in the crib and I heard something clink on the floor and I though" what the crap just happened?" so I checked the floor not wanting to turn the lights on and create more of a ruckus and lo and behold there was a screw that was lying on the carpet! A FLIPP'IN SCREW!!! I honestly don't know what I am going to do with this child.

-Wants what he wants when he wants it. Yes I did get that with Eve, but it was a little different and also she is a girl and girls always have tantrums, but Manti is definitely gaining on her.

-Terrible twos at around 20 months. Eve got hers early at around a year and Jackson skipped then all together.

-Mr. Independent. He really has just about no fear climbing on EVERYTHING, at least Eve was older when she went on her riots.

-Climbing into ANY sink/tub fully clothed and turning on the HOT water and just sitting and running his fingers through it.

- Opening ANY door knob! Guess you figured that from the previous sentence. lol He has not gotten the dead bolt, but he is not tall enough and there is no way he can really move anything over there to climb...YET :(

-Soooo attached to the bottle. We had to nix it and get rid of it this weekend and it has NOT been fun! He has been a complete MONSTER!!! (that's what his 2nd birthday theme is in Nov., so fitting.

- Eating toilet paper. What's up with that?! We actually had to lock our bathrooms and hide toilet paper.

-Sucking on wipes. Ummm, yeah not so fun.

-Playing in bathrooms, for instance a big one is stuffing faves like tooth brushes in toilets. YUM

-Knowing exactly what we are saying and opting to express (with facial features) like he doesn't understand until we say something that he doesn't like....for instance " wanna go in your crib" to which the reply is always "NO" and then quickly does what he was originally asked to do. Ya, I think he is finally realizing that we are on to him;)

- Constant noise...whether it's crying, whining, laughing, giggling, talking, noise making in general to the point where we have to tell him to be more quiet..it literally gives me a head ache.

-King of faces. Feelings paired with expression. Jackson always had funny faces, but they where just silly, but Tiger is something else I'll tell you!

- He growles like a tiger (so fitting) always has even as an infant when we didn't get food to him on time.

-CURLY, CURLY hair :) Yes he got that from his papa! It's just funny that his hair is so light (that's from me)

-Gorgeous big root beer colored eyes. ~Jacksons are army green/brown so pretty in the sun, they sparkle a with green on the outside ring. Well Eve's are like mine..beautiful blue eyed girl (glad I could contribute. he,he)

Anyway I am sure there is more, but that is about what is on the top of my list right now. I find it so funny how different each of my children are especially as Manti is getting older and discovering who he is.

2009-09-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was Eve's 8th birthday and I decided that enough was enough and that I would take the pictures that I have been wanting and dreading to. I asked myself.."Are you ever really going to be ready?" Obviously this was a "no", so I knew that I just had to do it. I fit into my dress and yes that was the ultimate goal so why all the hesitation? I always demand soo much out of myself and I CANNOT do that anymore!!! I am on the brink of so much these days and vastly approaching the number "30"! I am not getting any younger and I have to be comfortable with that and love essentially the skin I am in. These pictures are not by any means perfect, but they represent the real me. I am so many things, so many things that I am still discovering. This dress ties in my past, my present and my future. I am not the same person I was on that day almost 9 years ago, I feel more as if I was hiding her. I didn't honestly know how to handle her or make her fit in my life. I love the analogy of the puzzle which I have said before...now as I am getting older I am finding pieces that have always been there and I just kept passing them aside and now I have to get on with it and make them fit otherwise the whole puzzle (life) will be ruined and I will never reap the reward of such a magnificent picture awaiting me at the end. I am learning to be humbled and seek for help and accept it and most of all knowing I cannot do it all on my own. I have a close friend who did something similar and then she posted her pictures and wrote words that touched my soul. I look up to her so much and I am amazed at the strength and love that she holds. I will say it again..I am blessed with the friends and family that become intertwined in my life.

Anyway, I am going to wait until Eve's baptism to post the rest of the pictures with me and Eve because they are so completely special to me. She is my only girl and I love her more than words can ever describe. I will look back on these pictures and be so thankful that we took an hour out of our busy schedule for such priceless memories. I will hold them in my heart forever! I was crying off and on all day yesterday and a little at church today. I know it has not all hit, but it will by the baptism and I only can pray for strength and comfort. I am also starting my therapy on Thursday, so there is a lot on my plate right now- I am walking blindly by faith, faith to know that this is what I have to do and that's it's the right decision.

Here are the rest of the pictures.

Happy 8th Birthday EVE!!!

2009-09-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

Well it's 4:31 am and I have already started the water works. I can't believe that my first baby is 8 years old today! This is a day that I have been dreading for a long long time and yet have longed for all at the same time. As a mother who has carried this child it is hard for me to look at her and see how fast time seems to slip by. Every day she is bigger, smarter and most of all not so inclined to need me anymore...she is growing up and today starts the path of her OWN journey. She is to be baptized on Oct. 10th at 9:00 in the morning and it is coming all too soon. I have to somehow get the program together which is really difficult for me right now. I have to get through this day and be strong. I love my little girl with all my heart! I always knew that my first would be a little girl, God knew my heart and my wish. Maybe it was because our bond was so tight in Heaven that I just knew that she would be here soon with me, I never really thought about it that way. It has been a struggle over the years, she is one of a kind and that's why I love her sooooo much! And as a first time mother I am always learning, Bishop said in her interview that first children should get extra points for putting up with everything. She is is simply amazing! She is wonderful! I always say she may look like me, but she is the spitting image of Geoff...to a "T". And yet I also see other sides to her that I have passed on. Eve is very intuitive and picks up on a lot of things that other kids don't (so we have learned to be careful, ha,ha) She is also very grown up for her age about life in general, we have been very open and in those instances she has blown me away by her understanding. I still am amazed...it seems like just a little while ago I was getting ready to go to the hospital because my water broke out of no where 3 weeks early! I remember my midwife asking when I called if I was sure that my water really broke? It cracks me up....up well I am having to put 3 towels between my legs and it's still gushing down the sides.lol It's a little graphic but that's life. We where so excited, everything was so new and adventurous. I used to lie awake during the night and ask Geoff.."What do you think she will look like?" "Who will she look like?" She came when she wanted, it's just like her to do so. Just about 25 min. of pushing and she was out with a splash. They set her on my lap and I had never seen anything so beautiful in all my life. She was tiny and perfect and exceptionally beautiful. She was a doll baby, I used to get all kinds of people that would ask if she modeled and they would take pictures of her because she has the most beautiful blueish aqua eyes. Days seems to pass without permission and that's how I am here 8 years later and wondering where did all the time go? I pray to Heavenly Father that when I die I will be able to remember! Remember all the precious memories so that I may hold them forever. I love my little girl.

Getting back in the Game

2009-09-21T11:41:00.001-07:00

Just to let you know that whenever I don't keep up it's because I am having a difficult time. I am not going to go into details, but this has been the hardest two weeks I have just about ever had. I am confronting my past and my present and my future all at the same time and I have felt like I am going to break. I have been humbled and realize that this is all too big for me and this is what it takes for me to rely fully on the Lord. I have been there in a sense before for many situations in my life, but not my whole life. I feel like I need to get through this first otherwise I will not be strong enough when I go through my first session on Oct. 1st.

I am wondering where do I begin? Will I sound stupid? Self-involved? Ridiculous? These are all fears that I just need to conquer. I know that through this therapy process that I can get through the rest of my life hopefully without falling apart. I hope and pray that it brings me closer to my husband, my children and my family and friends.

I have learned who my true friends are. I taught RS yesterday and the lesson was on this very topic- How wonderful true friends are through adversity and how all of us in the Gospel should be a "just" friend! Someone asked what does that even mean? I think it mean something a little different to everyone because we all seek for different things and we are all individuals. To me it is a friend without limitations! A friend who just does without being asked or expected out of love and concern and simply wanting happiness for that other person and trying to share their load. I hope that I can be that friend to all of you! I hope that I can be that friend to myself!! We all need something.. love, affection, acceptance, honesty and loyalty to say the least. Thank you for being my friend.

I am blessed

2009-09-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

I have done something brave, something I have never done before...I MADE THE CALL!
As soon as I asked about the mental health services I started breaking down. I didn't think it would be that hard, but now that I look back I was only making excuses..oh, I was too busy...I had to go to work...the kids had appointments. I know that this is going to be the toughest thing that I am going to have to face. I need your prayers, your love- I am turning myself inside out.

When I was connected to the mental health Kaiser the lady that was evaluating me was amazing, she was wonderful. I know that this was only a phone visit to see what services I needed and what doctor would be more helpful for me personally..overall it was just nice to have someone in that field confirm that I have post traumatic stress disorder and that I need help right away. She was amazed that I have never had help before. I told her my main issues and she thought I was very observant and I said I am blessed to have friends and a couple sisters who have gone through PTS or work with people who do. I am so thankful for all of you who have been there for me because I could've NEVER made that call. I only appear to be a strong person, but this...this is too big for me!!! I am also blessed because I felt like LDS services would not be the best way to go and that's OK...I feel confirmation from that. We have full coverage and it is only $20.00 for personal and $10.00 for group sessions. I hope to work up to group sessions eventually, but it is not something that I feel I can't do anytime soon.

Anyway I know some of you have been asking if I have made the call or not so I wanted to let you know that I have taken that giant step for MYSELF.

Home Goods Entry

2009-09-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

Alright so I had to put up these pictures again. I am entering in a contest through the Fall Nesting Party(http://theinspiredroom.net/2009/09/01/get-inspired-for-fall-fall-nesting-2009/) for Home Goods which is giving away 3 $200.00 gift cards. Oh that would be sooooo awesome! I have so many ideas that I would love to expand upon and this gift card would help me so much!!! My desire is to unify and yet make the 2 spaces distinctive.I think it is so wonderful that companies do this for us. Home Goods is my FAVORITE decor store of all time!!! No kidding on that one. I wish that it would've been around when we first built our house. I honestly could live there and be in heaven. Wish me luck!

Home Goods quiz

2009-09-03T17:35:00.001-07:00

Sarah , you are a Glamorous Eclectic

You have wide-ranging interests and influences and so appreciate a mix of whatever you deem fantastic. You would be bored to tears using a matching suite of furniture or could never stand a home that seemed cookie-cutter. You fearlessly embrace luxury, beauty and fun. Velvet, silver, graphic patterns, even wallpaper; you understand the old-Hollywood, movie star sense of theatrical extravagance. You do not understand the minimalist idea of less is more. For you, more is more, so long as it is chic and exciting.

You value creativity. You are stylish and fun loving, and can be an inspiration to others. You have a natural sense of drama, and you know you have to be willing to take risks—whether with colors, finishes, furniture choices, or ideas—for your home to stand out. Your home can be happy and lively and the place all of your friends want to be.

SOON- THE UNVEILING!

2009-08-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here on the computer with wide open window and it is refreshing. I took down the drapes in the two rooms this morning to sell at a garage sale that Eve and Mim are doing today and tomorrow. I however went out to play with my friend at Fabric Depot and had too much fun. I totally scored on luxurious fabrics and in exactly what styles I loved. I was able to by everything and then a little more for a fraction of what it would've been to buy already made in what I wanted. Drapes are very hard to find! I haven't really ever noticed that too much until I realized enough is enough and I am NOT going to be conformed anymore!!! I get tired of the limited choices and it makes me thankful for the things that I have taught myself to do. When it came to sewing I really taught myself and I have made scads of quilts and blankets since I was 15. The only thing that really scares me is clothing..YIKES! And that is when I go to my friend who is good at what she does. I really would love to take a course some day in sewing/design, I would have such a blast. Anyway I will have a spectacular

sight to behold soon!~

Busy Swanger-Bees

2009-08-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

It has been a little while since I have blogged..we have been pretty busy around here lately. I got really sick for a good week and on top of it had to teach RS...it was a good lesson though so that helped. I have been working a lot it seems lately and sometimes it gets really stressful, but it is a good job and overall I do like it or else I would have been gone years ago. I am getting going on the yard too and my dad ripped out a huge Leland Cypress on the side porch that far exceeded the house.NOT GOOD!! So I am so glad that it is gone and I can get refocused.

I have been able to see some friends lately and I am glad for that, but I have missed my movie nights..lol I am soooo excited for school to start soon and could NOT be happier about it!!! My kids have grown like weeds this summer and so we have been shopping quite a bit. I was able to swing by Knuckleheads before the big sale and got a bunch of stuff for "J"man and a couple things for Eve. I could not believe that she did not fit into even the 7s! She is getting SO BIG! It is truly NUTS! I swear every morning I get up she is bigger. ha,ha

I was thinking about some stuff the other day and realized that Miss Eve is going to be baptized in about 5/6 weeks...and I am going to have a major breakdown...literally! Whenever I think about it tears begin to fall like rain...I never really though this moment would come! You might be wondering what's the big deal?? She is only turning 8, but to me it is life changing. By this simple act I am saying good bye to my baby, to the child that I no longer can "FULLY" protect. I want SO much for her...I want the world..I never want her to experience the pain and anguish that I have and still do experience. I want her to make sensible choices and to listen intensely to the Spirit so that she may be protected as much as Heavenly possible. I say Heavenly because I trust in the Lord that angels watch over and protect my family. I want her to know that the Gospel of Christ is the truth and not to follow or base her testimony on others...because we all have weaknesses and all are imperfect. I want her to know her savior and understand all that he did for her out of pure love. I know that this is so much for a little girl, but she is special..she notices things that other little children don't. She is very perceptive, headstrong, determined and strong willed- I have always felt like this was a bad thing and then as I discovered my faith as a mother I began to think of it differently, it is actually a blessing! I will never lie and say that all has been all well with Eve and that's it's been peachy keen, but rather the opposite because as a first time mother I didn't know how to love and understand her, I would cry almost daily because I didn't know how to handle her. I have since made peace with myself and the many many mistakes that I made earlier on and one's I still do. I am her mother, I am here to help her find herself. She is a unique spirit, full of life, always on the go...if I just help her channel all that it will all be good- well at least some of the time. lol

On to the the pictures..
I put up this picture because I finally finished the bonus room, for now anyway. So the one up at the top is a "before" picture after I had already taken quite a few things out.

I have locked the door and the kids are not allowed in here by themselves..SO NICE! Also it has greatly helped them get back in their beds.

This is my dining room

This is my living room joined together.
I am changing the colors of the drapes and chairs for the table and maybe the side chairs. I went by fabric stores and got swatches that really kind of jumped out at me. I took them out last night and grouped them together and I am having such a hard time choosing which design I like the most.

PLEASE give me your opinions..I have until Thursday night to decide.
So remember I am looking for drapes, chair fabric, pillows.. etc. for 2 rooms!

NO. 1
I like this one so much, but there is a lot going on on some of these which is good and bad, but that is what made me like them in the first place. It would be really happy fabrics. I love stripes and those colors together are so soothing and I can always use that in my life. I love how the flowers make it more of a poly flair too. The bottom fabrics are really thick for chairs. I think I could be happy with this one for a while and that's important. It's cool because they are all so different,but they all go together so well.

NO. 2

I LOVE this one! I do have concerns though...like maybe it's too bright?? Would I like it for a substantial amount of time? But the colors look so pretty! Looking at them just makes me smile! The one with the fans in aqua and turquoise also have other colors involved on it as well and they look beautiful together on the fabric. It would be another way to incorporate colorful accessories. I love the honey comb-ish one in lt. aqua and it's really thick so it would be good for chairs. The brighter aqua one with the chocolate sprigs is so rich and liquorish and the one on the bottom left is so elegant and would be more than perfect for the dining room drapes being that it is fancy and it has a silk/shimmer effect. And I am a girly girl so sparkles and shimmers are my thing. Another big reason why I like these colors is because it was my wedding color and we already have some things in the china hutch that matches. Aqua/blues was also my favorite color when I was little and it has always stuck.

NO. 3

I like this one a lot too! The colors are more muted, but soothing. They have modern and classic flairs along with traditional. And I like to mix it up. The dotted one as well as the stripes would be great for drapes and the other two are perfect for chairs. I asked Geoff what he liked and he said "I don't know why, but my eye keeps on catching that one" and pointed to the cool modern one on the right. The one thing that I don't like is that this color is really similar to the accent color in the family room and I don't want too much of the same color, but there is so much in these fabrics that it wouldn't be that noticeable.

NO.4

The lighting really is screwed up on this one so sorry. I didn't notice until it was already downloaded, but imagine it much, much brighter. The thing with this one is that it is something I would've never done! The two on the left are the same fabric, but there was so much going on it was hard to picture it all. I like how intense and bold these colors are. There are quite a few drawbacks though...the colors don't really go with the entry colors, but wouldn't exactly clash either, I don't' have that green really anywhere, but it is such great fabric for chairs- totally cool! And the orange one on the right is GORGEOUS!! It is amazing as drapes ( I saw them at Fabric Depot) also the one on the left is so dark in the backdrop it is like cocoa been chocolate, which is really pretty it's just we already have mocha furniture and Brazilian Cherry floors and I am afraid of how much sun it is going to suck up . I want something lighter and brighter and most of all cheery and different.

We went camping for the first time EVER up around Olympia! We went for just a couple days and nights and it was really nice to get away. The first morning it rained and that just bit! So we went shopping for a couple hours (thanks to Bump $) for some new shoes for the kids because theirs where already all nasty. I DO NOT LIKE DIRT!!! I do however enjoy the festivities of camping..the air, the nature, the silence, the fire, the moonlight, the family talks, the games, the s'mores, the flashlights/ lanterns, the tents, but what I don't like..the dirt, the potty situation, the hard ground, the pine needles. I think the good outweighs the bad. It is just so hard when you have a bottle feeding child who is on the brink of being done and has already started the terrible twos. The story with our kids is that Eve got hers around 12 months and it really kicked in at 18 months and Jack never got them and just skipped over it and got the irritating 4s lol. Well, now I have this little baby boy Tiger who is as ornery as ever and is taking after his older sister. Boy am I stressed sometimes..along with work and all I really don't think we could handle another one anyway at this rate. I will have cold sores for the rest of my life!!!

Mim, Jack and Eve setting up and coloring.

We got this tent 2 years ago at Costco and I am sooo glad...I love it!! It is huge! We fit 2 queen mattresses inside and still could fit 2 twins and enough room for bags still, and it is two rooms too!

Just playing around.

He loved looking and exploring and making Mommy mad.

My boys!

They loved playing in the tent..maybe we will set it up at home before summer ends.

Eve discovered this huge dip a site away from our and Bump brought up a bike and she had such a blast riding through it. Even Manti took off to play there all by himself while we where all doing stuff , I was taking Eve to the bathroom and Geoff thought that I took him and some kids brought him back and asked Mim if that was our baby..THAT WAS SCARY! He keeps us on our toes constantly! I said after that we are getting out the monkey! (a child leash)

We went to the library a little while ago and got a huge stack of books and brought them. It was so fun reading to the kids over the campfire.

HELP! I'm stuck!! lol
Parents learned....THE TENT IS NOT THE SAME AS A CRIB.

This is how Mim does breakfast camping= MCDONALD'S.

SO CUTE!!
One Saturday our friends the Dooleys where able to come up for a couple hours and hang. We miss them a lot since they moved up north and it was so good to see them and all the growing girls.

These are projects that I just finished last week. I made the board with the hooks.

I put up the turtles.

I made this family home evening sign. I have since put up hanging letters for our first names in turquoise with ribbon.

I needed this sign to help remind me of what is important so I snatched the writing in Utah and made this one too. I love the style of writing and the bottom part too.

Well thanks for your time and looking over the blog. I hope to be much better about blogging on maybe a weekly basis at least..that will probably happen once school does.

Lyrical Notes

2009-08-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

Man it has been pretty busy here lately and yes...I have put a lot of it on myself!

I go through these periods where I have to clean and organize because I get such stress from the "clutter" (well for me it is clutter). I guess you could say I am definitely NOT that bad compared to others (about rif-raf), but this need has gotten worse lately. I like to be in control of my home and I HAVE to know where my things are, but when you have 3 young children you can only do so much. I like being an organized person and I feel so much happier when things are not thrown everywhere.

Miss Eve has quite the problem with this and I do admit that when I was her age I did the same thing and my sister Amber would get so mad at me. It makes me laugh now because my family all thought they would have a real problem with me because I had such a lazy streak growing up. Now as an adult I have to remember to get LAZY! It is funny how life hits us....and how much we change and how we all have little corks about us that we struggle with.

Overall it has been going better for me and I am being honest with myself and my family with my emotions and feelings. I know that it is really hard for G to understand me and my thought process at times, but it is what it is and I can only help it so much. I am trying to concentrate on the blessings in my life, all that we have....and so much that others don't. It makes me closer to my Savior, to want to help others even if it is just lending an ear, because many people are going through hardships. I have many family members who struggle so much and it is so difficult to "be there" for them because it hits too close for home. I am trying to understand what Christlike love is and how it applies to ALL. It is a difficult concept to grasp at times.

I often go to music to find peace. I have several LDS artists' cds and they have helped me so much. There is one sister who is my favorite, her name is Mindy Glendhill. As far as I know she has just 2 cds and they are amazing! The first one brought me to my Savior when I was on my spiritual journey and now the second is bringing me to myself. The songs..words her voice..are filled with the Spirit and every time she brings me to tears. I am so thankful for people like her who use their talents to help others. When her second cd came out I thought it was a little weird and very different from the first which is extremely spiritual ( even with a couple hymns). I kind of forgot altogether that I had the new one and I got it out after I got back from Utah and thought I would try it out again because I love the fist album so much. As I somewhat listened through the hustle and bustle of the morning routines I found her words! Tears struck me again. It is so crazy how you could listen to something or read something and then sometime later read or listen again and the words just jump out at you with so much meaning. I have had some real lows lately with some highs and I wanted to post the lyrics that really touched me.

Feather in The WIND
"I'm a feather in the wind I'm up and then I'm down again and oh, the places I have been to Heaven's gates and 'round the bend but things are never what they appear to be 'cus everybody's trying to grab a hold of me.....
I'm a reflection in the glass ' cus I can't keep from looking back and all the pieces that I lack are stuck inside a broken past.......
so I will dig a little deeper than what the eye can see and if anybody asks I'm making friends at last with my reflection in the glass..
'cus so many different pieces make up the whole of me so hold me in your hands and take as I am.."

Riddle
" I'm gonna rock your world gonna blow you away 'cus I'm a flash flood storm on a summer's day..

Joni Mitchell song that Mindy sang (Both Sides Now)
"...I've looked at clouds that way but now they only block the sun they rain and snow on everyone so many things I wouldn't have done but the clouds got in my way Ive looked at clouds from both sides now from up and down and still somehow it's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all....
but now old friends are acting strange they shake their heads they say I've changed well something's lost but something's gained gained in living everyday I've looked at life from both sides now from win and lose and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all.."

My favorite.. (HARD)
" Why do I promise I'll never turn back when one step ahead steps right into the past? And I'm back to the start where my head's taken over my heart again Twisting and turning I'm tangled and torn too broken too bent to be fixed anymore Half crazy for home like a castaway prisoner of war It's hard to believe that you could love the hardest parts of me and it's hard to conceive the way your love unravels me It's not that I don't want to give you my heart It's just hard Some mornings it's hard just to get out of bed when the ones that I love are shaking there heads and like a fly on the screen I'm just buzzin' between my life and my dreams It's just hard..
So bring on the fire that feeds this desire to be unbreakable 'cus it's make me or break me So please make me wake up to something more 'cus it's just hard to believe...

I Need Help!!

2009-08-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

Where oh where could my creative space be...???

I am going nuts over here trying to figure out what to do about a space that would be mainly for ME. I have posted pictures of my dining room with the table full of stuff all over it before.

I always wanted a dining room, but now that we have been in the house for 6 years we notice that it really doesn't get used all that much. Even when we have family over they migrate in the family room and I am the one that usually goes in the dining room sometimes all by myself. I do have a full set in there with a beautiful lighted hutch. The set is all solid cherry wood and it pretty good condition other than a few slight scratches on some of the chairs. I will be honest saying that it is NOT what I ultimately wanted, but we got it from a friend of a friend who let us buy it and pay month to month. I reupholstered the chairs when we first got it to a navy swirly fabric. I am really getting tired of the fabric.

The problem lies within the two rooms being open to each other so it needs to flow. A year ago I painted a lot because we were going to move ( ya that obviously didn't work out) , so I neutralized the dining room and living room with the same wheat color that is in the entry. I am soooo glad I did that!! I love how it seems more open and calming.

So now I am wondering what to do and have an extreme case of the itches...the itch to CHANGE!
I redesigned most of the kitchen, nook and family room 1 1/2 years ago and I still LOVE it! I love the color, I discovered that I LOVE COLOR! I NEED COLOR! My mood changes dramatically with color and when I am having one of those days I need something to bring cheer to my life. MY LIVING ROOM AND DINING ROOM DO NOT DO IT FOR ME RIGHT NOW! If anything the colors depress me! They are dark read and chocolate brown...don't get me wrong I love me some dark chocolate, but when there are two extreme colors together with such depth balanced on Brazilian cherry laminate throughout- it is tooo much!

I NEED CHANGE!!!

I am thinking so many things and my head is spinning trying to find this space for ME and figuring out how I want to change at least 2 rooms. I didn't mention that we have too much furniture so that is another issue is downsizing! ( I have already started to do that outside!)
I like simplicity, it makes me think better and clearer.

Here's the deal, these are my thoughts and I need your input. Also my sisters are coming in the end of October so I need to get this done before then. I also have "the big project" that I have started, but am having a harder time doing it because I don't have the space and that one I want to get done before they come too! It seems like I get nothing done nowadays and the summer is getting nearer to the end and I need to get going. I have to get motivated!

Here it is-

Where do I put a work/creative space for ME?

Dining room?

Pro-There is enough space for what I would need... a table, some kind of cabinet or shelving, getting rid of big furniture that I don't use that much except for doing projects on and it's never what I really wanted anyway, getting a new open hutch that I want in white which I LOVE! buying things that will go together better, the view is to my garden.

Con-Then I don't have a formal dining room, when people come over there is not as much extra eating space

Living room?

Pro- I have enough space, the computer is already in there, I have a lovely bay window view,I can reupholster the dining room chairs in a new fabric to coincide and keep the dining set, I can get rid of furniture, bring in color, I would be down stairs, the colors that I am thinking about would go with the entry of which is shares a wall

Con-For both spaces they do not have an enclosed space with a lock, when home teachers come we will have to go into the family room lol,

The Bonus Room- almost 300 sq ft.

Pro- locking door, space is upstairs where there is a big TV, I can do projects when up there with family

Con-Only so much space between having a full bed and day bed trundle, computer, treadmill etc. only so much space!!??different colors than what I was thinking and I might just change anyway ( I put in lavender because I though for sure I was having a girl with Manti..ha,ha)

As you can see I am an utter mess right now!

I already have a sort of mild aqua with wheat going on and so I am considering expanding on it a little with variations. I hate how I am at a store and I love something, but it is bright and so I don't get it..WHY THE HECK NOT? I loved it! So what if it's bright! If it is an accent it accentuates the room and if done correctly makes it look more completed. I am wondering about bringing in some SOFT orange, I LOVE that color! It is so soothing and wonderful. We love orange now that we have a TIGER, It is his signature color (from Steelmagnoias)

I have been embracing Geoff's heritage one step at a time and I love the poly style that you find when it is tasteful and elegant, the flowers- GORGEOUS!! I forgot that I made this beautiful poly patchwork quilt that I got out when we went to the beach last week.I t made me think..also I just put some hibiscus flowers in vinyl black on my entry wall and I want more. I just made a board with a hot pink surf board in vinyl for Eve with crystal hooks. The boy's room in all in deep mixed with bright colors in classic surfer poly style with a plane flair (South Pacific baby!).

PLEASE leave me your comments to help me decide what to do!

Tiger's 1st Beach Trip!

2009-07-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

We went to Seaside yesterday for the day and had soo much fun!!
This was Manti's first time going to the coast, but I didn't realize that until we left the beach.

I am starting to understand myself much more lately. I am learning that with everything going on emotionally and physically it is so easy for me to become detached from the world. For people who have never had this problem it is not easy to explain..the best way possible for me is to say it is most like "numbness", without feeling. I feel like someone is showing me a movie of my life and I am sitting there saying " THAT IS NOT ME AND THOSE ARE NOT MY KIDS OR HUSBAND"!

I need to start being!

I need to start loving myself and getting out and doing- getting involved! There are so many beautiful sights that Heavenly Father created for me and I hardly ever see them and worst of all because of it my kids don't either. I let my emotions control my life and in return my children's.

When I was little my mother took us everywhere! We grew up going to the beach, the falls and the lakes constantly even when my dad never went. For that I am so grateful that she had the determination to go and do what brought her happiness. I too have a husband who doesn't like water and it is really hard for me. I have so many happy memories of having fun in the sun and discovering myself and things I loved. It is sad to say, but I have deprived myself of soo many joys as I have gotten older because I didn't want to be by myself. NOT ANY MORE! I have to tell myself that money CANNOT buy memories! Yes, money does matter, but when it comes down to it it is only earthly. I have made a promise to myself to DO! To show my children the mother that they really have. I love my children with ALL MY HEART! I have to remember in the stillness that we chose eachother and most of all Heavenly Father granted me these amazing souls to raise and love and help discover who they really are too!

He was so cute.

The sand was hot and he really didn't know what to think.

Momma please!!? pick me up..

It took just a couple minutes for him to like it.

Jackson plowed right threw.

I said Jackson" You are frollicking" He asked what that meant and I told him..he got mad and said.."I don't frollick!".

It took a team of experts to apply sunscreen to this fish.

He is too adorable for his own good.

Sun in your eyes Eve?

collecting shells..mostly dead carcasses from crabs

toasty warm...NOT!

We lost that little yellow bucket castle. boohoo

Yah, I tried to explain that no on really swims in the ocean around here. She didn't really get it. lol

This one cracks me up. SHOW EM YOUR MUSCLES!! AYE!

That Geoff! He was taking picture while I was changing. HE WOULD! And then he says he's gonna put them on u-tube.

Eve said she is Queen of the Crabs- I don't know if I would want that title. YIKES!

silly boys

We hope she doesn't continue with this pose. ha,ha

Jackson won the award for the sandiest.

Hmm.. maybe I will eat some??

I am not throwing anything!

Yah, this doesn't taste very good!

BLAH! BLAH!

Qween of the Crabs sitting on her throne.

They got me.

I don't know where Eve is?

There she is!

NAKED TIME

SWANGERS ARE HERE- IT'S NUDIST NOW!!

Inside the town

It's a perfect hat for such a face.

Lamb Chop has been raised from the dead!

Eve and I beat Mim and Jacks so hard.

just waiting...

Hmm Tiltawirl is fun. This was Jackson's first time. He loves spinning stuff so I figured he'd be fine and he loved it!

Eve decided not to go on it because she got scared last time..so this is the face she made when she saw Jackson come with me. HA,HA,HA

C'MON lets go already!

SKI BALL

That was our lovely beach trip and I am going to be on the beach ALL day next time.

This was last weekend at the Hawaiian Festival.

Cousin Loa (from the island) Mim and Manti.

Eve went to her art class that she started up again. She is such a wonderful artist and is so talented.

Girl time.

It is soo hot!

Just playing around the house.

I like string.

I am addicted!

This was my Dad's 73rd birthday!

Eve's Utah Shoot

2009-07-14T00:59:00.001-07:00

2009-07-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is a quote that I found on my sister in laws blog that I love.

In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike – and they will – you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire (2 Kgs. 6:16-17) as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland

Better Days

2009-07-13T01:07:00.000-07:00

I came home from Utah and felt great! It was good to come home to my man and have us all together.

Although 0n the second day it hit, the tears all came in. I don't know why, but it all just overtakes me and I feel like I have to escape from my life and yet I long for being with my family and feeling their love. It's like I live in a bubble and I can only feel myself. I feel like I am a bad mother during these times because I have no connection with anyone and it's hard to place myself where I am suppose to be. It's difficult to face that I have to deal with this my whole life and some how manage to get through it. I feel ashamed and try to hide it and Geoff always seems to just know that something is not right. I know that I am messed up and I feel horrible for having to put that burden on my husband when I don't even know how to deal with it myself. My pain is surfacing and it seems to bob up and down, like the anchor has been cut and it seems to come up when it wants without any control. I know this because something newer has emerged and it is very personal. I think of this as therapy and I can type the words that I want without having to say them out loud and not worry about personal reactions.

This is affecting me...when I am physical I go on an emotional roller coaster. I am blessed with a loving husband who "loves" me well and it has always been great, but now the tears have reached me there too! I am embarrassed to say, but it is every time lately and I try to hide the tears as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to work to well. It will kill the mood of couse for him and I feel aweful and then I feel even worse, then gult sets in. I love this person more than he could ever know. Why does this nastiness have to follow me here out of all places and times? Can't this be sacred ground? After the last big bawl fest it came to me- this is when I am most volnurable and it's the exact action in which I was caused this tremendous pain... it was only time. It's horrible reliving it! I am learning, I have to get through this and I am pretty sure I know how. I know that the road is long and bumpy, but I have my loving Savior by my side to see me though.

It was only until today that I feel fully functional again and it amazed me the difference it makes. I got a lot of stuff done today, I didn't yell at my kids too much, I didn't let my temper get the better of me and most of all I wasn't SAD! I hate being sad more than anything because you can't feel past it. I only hope that brighter days are ahead because this weather severely depressed me. I mean,c'mon it's summer time for goodness sakes! Where is the flipp'in sun? And it always seems to come out right before I have to head to work. lol

Well I still have tons of pictures from the trip to down load and I will hopefully get to them now that I am feeling better. I wish everyone a good day.

Father's Day and Last day of school

2009-07-05T22:56:00.001-07:00

Eve's very last day of 1st grade..boohoo!!

Note she wore the same shirt on the last day. lol

I am so sad that Eve's teacher will not be hers next year. I thought she was a wonderful teacher and knew how to be patient and not let the kid's get away with stuff either.

Mrs. Deklyne has 2 turtles in her class and the kids had so much fun with them.

Eve was invited to be a model for Hula Mula Spring 2010 catalog. We where so excited and she got her hair all curled for the event.

My rampage. lol

???

This is the.."I'm gonna have to eat your tummy face!"

TOLD YA!

He wants more.

Where did Tiger go??

I don't know what happened!

Tiger is practicing his pouncing moves. You can't survive in the wild without them.

Jackson is the king of funny faces.

This was Father's Day.

My project by the swing set finally finished.

This is a skirt I made and used it in Utah for one of the photo shoots and it came out awesome.

This is a chair we had that I redid.

Remember the table I bought and showed you? Well here it is now!! All primed, painted and reupholstered, I love it sooo much.

We borrowed some petty coat skirts from a friend and experimented for another photo shoot around Eve's birthday.

I made this dress with the help from a friend. I am going to use this one later on.

These are pillows I made.

Vacation's Party Starting Right....

2009-06-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

Hello there!
I have to start by saying that I already miss you all. It feels like it has been a while since I have seen a lot of you.

I have been quite a busy girl and trying to get stuff done and get better in a lot of ways.

I have to start by saying I love UNDERSTANDING!~ How great it is to finally get stuff and what a comforting feeling comes with it. I am forcing myself to de-stress and manage time and energy factoring in my limitations and it has been working. WAHOO!

It has been a constant roller coaster ride and leaving me freaking out wondering when my turn was up or at least when I could get off of this one and get on a new one. lol

Everything has been really good the past week except for I got nasty sick a couple days ago with this whole nauseous vertigo eye problem. But after G gave me a blessing and a couple hours of more r and r I was much better.

My husband is so sweet and loving. I was in the tub and could not even bear to get out with out falling over and he carried me out and brought me to the bed. (note that yes I was naked, but it was not the situation in which he would be fantasizing about.) After a few moments, I felt like that did it alone and I had to gather my strength to run to the bathroom while he was still in the room. Oh well! What happens, happens and you get over it. After all he has seen me have our 3 children. Instead of going away he came over to me while I was puking my guts out and rubbed my back and was so concerned for me. I felt so bad because I had to go back in bed and lay straight on my back and not pay attention to the kids. G had gotten home from work and had to watch them more than usual. I just said how sorry I was that I got sick and how bad I felt that he couldn't sleep because the kids where freaking out. (oh yeah, Manti had a fever for a couple days and has been screaming everyday and only wanting me to hold him too. So this of course did not help~!) He said don't feel bad, but I did. He does so much for me and picks up so much of my slack with the kids lately because I have not been able to handle it all.

I feel like I have been in a room with a bunch of people and me sitting in a corning feeling inept to get up and assert myself, so it's nice to start to get past it.

I have many pictures to come that I did not have time to put on here so they will be coming...

It was really nice to have a short shift on Yesterday and say SEE YA! IN 11 DAYS! We shipped out early at 9:00 P.M. and arrived in Utah around 10:00 after a couple stops. I am so happy to be here and see my wonderful sister Amber and her family, but I am a little sad to be here without my Geoff. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I love him and how much I will miss him in 10 days. I know that I will be busy having fun though and that is just what the doctor ordered!

I already was able to see an old friend at dinner time after her shift at work. (Brianne I am sorry again about Manti being a handful, he is not himself lately.) And I am also going to spend the day with my first best friend ever tomorrow and meet her little boy for the first time. I was friends with her when before I was Eve's age and that right there blows my mind...that you can have relationships that last that long and are still connected.

I look forward to seeing everyone later and hope you all are doing well and are safe!

P. S. - Eve is extremely distraught over the passing of Michael Jackson and will only listen to his greatest hits albumn. She also only wants to watch the news for more info...who's kid is this???? lol

Angels

2009-06-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

I happened to come across an article from the Ensign today that I haven't read yet, it is in June's issue. The title is HOPE: The Misunderstood Sister.

I love how the Author ( Larry Hiller) took Christ's tributes and make them into a sister form, more of a being, or rather an angel.

There is Faith, Charity and HOPE....
People use the term hope too much and not in the sense that it should be used. He is saying that people tend to demean her and take her for granted.

He states from verses:

"Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience. We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience. And patience, experience; and experience hope; And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

He goes on the talk about a puzzle (the Gospel) -there are things we don't understand. I decided to broaden this to involve my whole perception of my life right now.

He says, " For me, things I don't understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I'm working on. If I don't see where they fit, I put them aside and work on the other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don't see how they fit, I put them aside again. "

These are such wise words and it is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I totally get what he is saying and it can be applied to soo many ways.

He goes on..

" And so one day, as I reexamined this particular puzzle piece, I saw a possible connection I hadn't seen before. When we endure tribulation with faith and patience, what we experience is the Savior's awareness of us and His love for us. We experience them through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter. We receive this witness after the trial of faith."
( Ether 12:6)
When I endure my trials patiently I experience Christ's tender mercies. My trials may continue, but having taken upon me the yoke of Christ, I find Him sharing my yoke, making my burdens bearable, and giving me Hope. I then have the strength to endure....Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience. Hope is serene, she has a a deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. Hope is steady and strong, a friend I am glad to have beside me during my own trials."

I think we can all learn from his words. I know that I learn best from other's experiences and I feel for them and try to understand.

I know that I was to read this article, it's like when you just open the scriptures and read the first verse you come upon and it's exactly what you needed to hear at that moment.

I am at a crossroads in my life and I have picked up that puzzled piece and set it down so many times not understanding how it all fits; BECAUSE IT IS THERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT! Now I have to finish that part before I can go on because otherwise it will serve no purpose and I will loose out on that beautiful picture that's waiting me at the end. I know that through my faith and my wonderful Savior that he can bring me HOPE if I but have the faith and charity; there is not one or the other, they come together- A SISTERHOOD.

I love the meaning of sisterhood. My sister is my angel, I speak of mainly one right now, my sister Amber. I mentioned before that she is a social worker who has her degree in child phicology. She has pretty much done just about everything in her line of work and I know that she does it for a reason and a purpose.. I am proud to call my sister and ANGEL; she brings compassion to those who have been so rejected and missused, abandoned and most of all molested and abused! I love her so much, she is a part of me and I know that I could not go through this life without her and that is why she is my SISTER! I have come to her when I could not even face myself in the mirror, not understanding the feelings that I felt and the reason for them. Through her loving words and acceptance I understand what is not right ( meaning that I needed help, that I have been sooo wounded that I need attention and that it is alright to feel that way and I am not in the wrong. I need to get it out and let go, to manage). She has helped me put the puzzle pieces together and understand where I can put them or rather how I can work on them- figuring it all out. She is the first person that I put my guard down for, for so many things so that I could open my heart and my mind and has made me understand and just be there for me, someone to listen to with NO JUDGMENT! I am so happy that I will see her in just about 1 short week and I need this more than ever. I am sure when I see her I will come to her with open arms and cry my heart out. She is MY sister, she is MY friend and MY angel.
I LOVE YOU AMBER, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!!!

Limitations and Oversights

2009-06-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

I had quite the last few days...
it started on Friday night the anxiety came crashing down causing my body to react. I had broken out from stress and the good old marry monthly that makes my skin all irritated anyway and combined with stress and lack of sleep I got a cold sore. I can not express how much I loathe them! They suck and it's worse when you feel it coming on and there is only so much you can do about them. They hurt and they make me feel like ugly. I was suppose to teach Relief Society this week because we are going to be gone this Sunday. I tried to cover up my infection and it made it worse and as I thought about me teaching the next day I thought how can I do this. Obviously I am already stressed out enough as it is! By about 9:00 Saturday night I could feel another one coming on, at work- how embarrassing! I could not take it anymore and I called Geoff to ask his opinion on the matter. I knew that it would get a hundred times worse if I went to church. I said that the worse thing for me would be to go to church and teach and that I am being humbled by what my body can handle. I simply cannot put anymore stress on my body right now, so I called around and told them my circumstances and said there was no way I could teach. I needed to take care of myself and destress for my health. I finished my shift and came home after midnight.

I need to explain that I have a lot of baggage that I carry along with me and things that I control and that drive me crazy. Geoff thinks I am OCD which I am starting to agree with. I am scared to get evaluated and see the results on paper and have to deal with taking medication. I like to be in control and I know first hand what medications can do for people- good and bad and it freaks me out! I am a highly sensitive person and I have serious side effects to some meds. I will never forget this one medication that I tried for something as simple as producing milk when I had Jackson. I have problems in lactating and it's easy for me to dry up so I tried these meds and I have never been so messed up in my life! I could not sit still, my hands would shake and I would have anxiety so bad that my brain was racing along with my heart. I would feel like I was going to freak out and cry, but I couldn't even manage to do that. After a few days of feeling this and getting that this in NOT right feeling when the meds would wear off I decided I would never take that stuff again. That was a clear dose of reality- to see and experience for myself what it feels like to have all those emotions racing through me, it wasn't me, I was higher than a kite! I totally understand why people do crazy stuff when they are in that state of mind and why some even kill themselves. It is such a scary thought!

Anyway I allow myself to take on too much, but it's a catch 22- a no win situation because my projects are also my outlets. I love how my friend Kerry has said how her knitting is therapy, well my projects are mine, but I can definitely go overboard. lol. I have a few projects that are going on and I am excited about... like the one with Eve and getting my pictures taken in my wedding dress. I have a friend at work that I talked to about this for a minute and she looked at me like I was crazy! about the wedding dress thing. She said why does that matter? I thought you know she is right to a point. In the whole grand scheme of things it doesn't but you know it does to me! It represents accepting the person I live with daily, the person that I am, the person I never want to be again! Geoff married that person that fit into that dress and I want to be that person, I recognize her! That is my craziness talking, but it is true and honest so there it is. So in other words I wear me down to the point of sickness, yes physically getting sick! When I was prego with Tiger I can't even count all the infections, colds and allergies that went on and it wasn't until I walked out of that hospital after having him that I stopped the woofing cough. It makes me laugh, ha,ha. Man I love that kid! but he wore me out.

I also get fanatick about stuff. It has to be the right way, or done this way and I always end up doing it myself. I have been working out a lot lately not only to work on my body, but because it is therapy, I see clearer and I love the way it makes me feel. I feel empowered and strong, and yes it makes me look dead sexy! ha,ha!! I am only kidding...a little. I guess I love myself sometimes. It's like I zone in on the imperfections and they make me feel depressed and awful. I said this to G and he said well is this a realistic goal? This made me think..., but can I be a beautiful image of myself and be realistic as well? I am trying! I know my husband loves me and I need to see that love daily. I am so thankful that he won't end a conversation without telling me he loves me. He must know I need this! I have family members that do not have this and I feel sad that I have so many problems and I have a husband who stands by me and loves me unconditionally! Heck he wanted me with cold sores! It amazes me that we have been together for so long and through so much and yet we stand by eachother through thick and thin. When I am able to see clearer and feel his love it envelopes me, I tell myself we chose eachother! I don't want to be that couple when the kids all leave and you have to discover eachother all over again because you will be different. No wonder so many marriages don't work out! You have to experience life together, live and love and accept and grow...TOGETHER. Satan was really working on me to see our differences and that is what he wants for us, to feel alone and different.

I was watching Harry Potter yesterday and it was the last one. Luny Lynn I think it was, was talking to Harry about how the evil one wears us down to feel so alone and appart from everyone else because it is an easier fight, we are more defenceless. And yet Harry learns in the end that he has his happy memories and his friends most of all the love that he feels for others and the love that they have for him and it conquers all. Because evil does not understand love, he does not speak that language. I love watching movies and finding these amazing quotes and just sitting and pondering on their meaning and how influencial they are.

I am taking a crack at the glass half full attempt and creating a list in my head for all the simple pleasures in my life.

I love first the family that I have been blessed with.

My horny husband who makes me feel wanted. lol

Eve- for how I just sit there and look at her and think ...O MY GOSH WE CREATED HER! she really is georgous! She is so pretty and I think that is half of me so I must be beautiful too!
I love that she is the way she is, just like her daddy even though it is hard for me to get sometimes or handle. She is caring and loving and when she sees me cry she hurts along with me and feels my pain. She is a mini mommy. She is a crative brain just like me and I think it is wonderful because I understand her! I love her more than she will ever know!

Jackson- for how much be bandaged so many wounds when he was born. I cried so much out of joy the day I went to the ultrasound and saw that third little leg. lol. He has been my angel, my momma's boy and I love him to bits. He was a dream I always had wished for even though I didn't even know it myself. He always makes me laugh and lights up a room with his funny faces and spectacular dance moves- my favorite being the robot. And most of all I can always count on him for loves. ( loves are something that is hard for me, to be affectionate...ever since my abuse I have never been the same and I feel like I have to give a part of myself when I am hugged. I know it is weird, but it's how I feel. like I have to guard myself and always be prepared. The only people I can do this with is Geoff and sometimes the kids, but when I get emotions mixed up I have to fource myself to accept hugs and loves and that is about it.

Manti, he is so wonderful! I totally thought he was going to be a girl, there was no hesitation, but then the sickness didn't go away and only got worse and then it dawned on me..what if it's not a girl?! I laid there at the ultrasound and the tech looked at me and said do you see what I see? All I could say was are you sure???? Tears just rolled down my face because I was so happy that God knew who belonged to our little family. He is my little Tiger in everyway. I love that he has so many expressions and so many funny sounds that make me giggle. I love his cuddly body and squshable tummy, it is hard not to eat him up! He is a good mix of the two of us on the outside as well as the inside. He makes me smile and brings joy to my days and it is hard to get angry with him sometimes because he is just so dang cute! I love my boys!

I am thankful for the body that Heavenly Father created for me and only me. I need to use it with disgression, to take care of it and understand it's brilliance.
I am grateful for my curves, that I am womanly!
I am thankful for my interests and perseveirance that I teach myself until I learn.
I love that I am stylish and love clothes and am into unique and lovely things.
I love that if I calculate correctly for my ensambles and make up and hair that I could look like I stepped out of the 1940's. MY FAVORITE OF ALL DECADES.
I am eternally thankful for my talents! Without them I would not have the life I do. I have carved my life with my talents and use them daily or try to anyway.
I am grateful for the skills that I inherited from my Dad, to work with my hands and not be affraid to get dirty.
I am thankful for the strength that my mother gave me in my genes, to carry on and make do.
I am thankful for the beautiful earth that has been created for us and how I can experience it.
There is so much and I could go on and on. All in all I am overall grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel and how the Atonement saves my life and always me to be with my family forever. What a wonderful and blessed thing, to be with our loved ones forever! My family is my home.

Beautiful Day!

2009-06-09T11:28:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning, really early might I add to take Eve to the bus stop. Geoff stayed over at work and so it forced me to get up and start my day.

I was surprised to see how sunny and beautiful it is outside and how much it makes me feel happy and cheerier. I know that is a big problem with me is getting up too late and going to bed too late and it was amazing to feel the difference as I started to make myself get into the routine of things. At first I was so tempted to go back to bed and then I made a decision that it would make me have a better attitude if I stayed up and worked out. I was sooo tired starting out and then about 7 mins. in I felt so much better. I haven't worked out in 3 days and that is a lot for me. It is so easy to get out of the routine and my attitude changed very quickly. I am so thankful for my percevierance- working out is thereapy in many ways for me and it keeps me healthy.

Most members in my family do not workout and take care of their bodies and I think this is sad. It is all mental. I love that President Hinckley said that we need to excersise at least 30 mins. a day! And that our bodies are gifts from God and we need to take care of them. I can feel the difference so strongly when I am not doing so. This issue is very important for Geoff and I and we have taught our children this, they see it daily between the both of us. They know it is an individual choice and that it can be done and most of all it is fun!!

My mother has been having failing health and just 2 weeks ago suffered a stroke. When she was in the hospital they found out from the MRI that she has already had 2 or 3 previous strokes and has had damage for many years. I was happy that we were given this knowledge which explains a lot. I bring this up because for me keeping my body healthy not only does just that, but spiritually and mentally it helps emensly- it reduces stress tremendously and it's also a mood regulator. So all in all I am having a good day and I am thankful for the beautiful day that we have so far until the rain comes. ha, ha

Friendship

2009-06-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

What is there to say? I feel like I have been living in a bubble lately and everything just beads off and doesn't quite connect to me. I feel like there is something off and not quite right and it's been really hard for me to accept or rather realize what reality truly is. For some time I have been carrying things that are just too much to bear anymore and it has caught me straight in the face.

I don't mean to be a downer, but it has been really challenging lately and I feel like I am constantly humbled and more like a child everyday. I have to sit back and understand what all this really means. I know Heavenly Father allows things to happen and it's a test to see what we do with what we have been given.

I have been pondering a lot and doing a lot of soul searching. Do we ever really know who we are? I am honestly soooo thankful for the Gospel because that is my foundation and my Savior is my ROCK. I find it really hard to feel the Spirit here and there and yet how can I feel these other very real and all consuming feelings as well?

I am writing about this because I think more people understand than it may seem. I know that I need to honest with myself and start asking for help. I have finally started opening up and talking...that is the first step. I have sat down with my loving husband and let the closet door fly open. I do admit that it was hard, but I feel better saying words out loud. It is easy for me to think something and keep it in my head and continually dismiss it- it got to be too much! I learned a lot about myself as I have talked to him, my sisters and a close friend. I need to somehow conquer my inadequacies and most of all FORGIVE MYSELF. I think there is a fine line there, because I felt like I had, but obviously it is always with me. It is really hard to feel other's love when you don't love yourself. I know with the love of my family and friends that I will get through this and maybe it will even be through just listening and understanding when it comes up. It has been many years and I don't know what the future holds, but I have faith that there is a purpose in all things.

I had 3 best friends in my teenage years that I love dearly (you know who you are.) As I got married and those friends left it was really hard to find friends that I could pour out my soul to. The closest that I got where non member friends from work, who are amazing people, but it became the difficult when they didn't understand my religion. My religion is not just my simple beliefs it is my whole existence, MY LIFE! I will regrettably admit I didn't deal with the situation very well. I retreated and slowly pulled away and made a perfect little bubble for myself feeling wounded and misunderstood. I found myself often crying because I had been blessed with such wonderful friends, but now I am all alone and they are all gone and why can't I make anymore? Isn't is suppose to be eisier when your a grown up? Why did my closest friends have to be nonmembers and shun by religion or important beliefs. I do want to say that they where disrespectful, but I felt like to be apart of their friendship I had to compromise a piece of myself as I hung out with them. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong, I just felt like the odd man out. Picture the only faithful LDS person sitting in the middle of a bar with a bunch of obnochious swearing drunks that were your friends. That is exactly what it felt like. Did I want this anymore? Am I being honest with myslef? I feel overall I made a good decision by stepping away and concentrating on my family and not hanging out with people that made me feel like I had to comprimise who I was, but the retracting part is what comes second nature to me and that is what I fall short on. After this, I would meet or get closer to others, but it always left with a empty feeling, like a shallowness.

I took all this and and asked what do I want with my life? What do I believe? Do I ever want to allow myself to be comprimised? That is when I really found my Savior! I learned so much and was so happy, my testimony was strengthened ten fold. I felt like for the first time I was not imbarressed or ashamed for my beliefs and I would ALWAYS stand up for them! I choose to follow the prophet. I have seen that other life even though I was worthy and not in it, I fully observed it and realized that these people are not happy! At least they happiness that they have is NOT what I want. It is like the kingdoms of heaven.... what am I aspiring for? I know I could be happy here or there, but because of the knowledge that I have been blessed with I know the greatest happiness of all- TO BE WITH MY HEAVENLY FATHER!

For quite a while I thought I am happy, I have my family and a wonderful husband..., but it is not the same, to not have best girl friends. My closest sisters are far away and I know I can always call them, but that is not the same either. I began to be really sad and wonder why am I not making any close friends? I decided that it was important enough to specifically ask Heavenly Father for special friends.

Today we had our Relief Society conference during the last part of church and it all was confirmed to me of how blessed I am. Like I had said before I have been having a hard time and I talked to a now close friend about it. I decided that when she came over a couple weeks ago that I would not bring it up because it was too painful and I also didn't know how to say it out loud. What would she think of me? Once it's out I have to face it. She ended up asking me what was going on and how was I doing. I didn't really want to talk about it and then I let my guard down and let it go. Between they tears I really felt her simpathy and love and that she earnestly cared. For the first time in years I found a special friend! We talked for a while and I felt better afterward. She was going on a trip and I knew I wouldn't see her for a little while and I needed her help with something and so I invited her family over for dinner on Tuesday night. As we were hustling and buslting around with all the kids it finally dawned on me how my prayer had been answered- it was through visiting teaching!

About 2 years ago I got her name on my route and I had never seen or heard of her before. I called her up for visiting teaching and we kinda clicked after that. I even was all by myself for visiting teaching for months and I know now that is the way it had to be. I learned that my friend was so much like me, we had kids that acted the same, basically we understood each other and that is what I needed most of all. I for so long still felt like the odd man out among the LDS sisters and when we would open up to each other I felt like I wasn't so different after all. So as I reflected on our meeting during a quiet moment it all made sense. She came into the room and I said, " You know, if it wasn't for visiting teaching we never would have been friends like this... and that is all we needed was just to meet because we never see each other at church because of our callings. I am really thankful for visiting teaching!" She agreed and we just kinda laughed. So when we had our lesson today there was a little play about connections that we can have through visiting teaching and all I could think about was her friendship and how much she had helped me by just being there for me and caring. I am truly grateful for my Heavenly Father who watches over me and my Savior who carries me.

May Days

2009-06-01T14:15:00.001-07:00

These are my new running shoes that I found for about 60% off after their discount and my coupon at Sport's Authority(they were originally $135.00 so I scored!) I am quite excited because I outran my old shoes and I started to roll in them and about twisted my ankle a couple times. These are Asics and I never have used them before so I was ready to try something new and that curved with my feet for my stability. So far they are great for running and Turbo Jam and all that stuff.

We had a mother daughter activity with my friend Marissa and her daughter Madison. We made jewelry and beautiful flower pens.

I found exactly what we have been looking for! A solid wood dinning table with a leaf and 4 chairs! I was so happy to find this jewel at Goodwill of all places for a steal of a deal. I am in the process of sanding them right now so that I can paint them black to keep up with the kids. And the chair pads are already reupholstered in a fabric that is in a picture down below.

Even the chairs are really sturdy and have this great molding detail that is so pretty.

This is my dining room table right now full of projects to be finished with more enhancements to come. All I see are feathers and more feathers! lol (hint, hint!)

This is the lace for my lace cape for my Cinderella dress.

I found these scrap fabrics at Fabric Depot and I thought they would make a beautiful skirt for Eve and it would be perfect for the "BIG PROJECT".

More props!

This is gorgeous two toned taffeta fabric for the "SPECIAL DRESS" I am making Eve- which goes along with the project. lol

Anything AQUA is Eve's favorite color in the whole word and it goes so well with her beautiful blue eyes.

Props.... hhhmmm, buttons, feathers, feather pads, and yes white birds. I am pulling out the stops!.

I found these pillows for only $5.00 at walmart which was way cheaper than buying pillow forms for my much needed new pillows in the other room. The fabric on the pillow is what I used to reupulster the chairs with. It looks FABULOUS! if I don't say so myself. he,he,he I also bought the other fabric for either a bench to go with it or for future bar chairs or maybe even a bench style bar chair would be awesome.

I can't take too many pictures of this cuteness.

He is irresistable.

Sorry I kind of went backwards with these pictures. On the holiday we had a BBQ on Sunday with mine and Geoff's family. Mim's birthday was the next day and his grandma's was that Tuesday so we party hartyd!

Eve and Mim went to Pary City and bought some fun supplies, all LADYBUG stuff.

Granny asked for some candy from Jackson and he said no to her, it was histerical! We were all laughing so hard because he was dead serious and she asked him about 3 times and wouldn't give in. It was hard not to laugh so much.

Eve is reaping her rewards.

Jackson needed quite a bit of help as you can see.

I had to tell Geoff how to NOT USE YOUR CHILDREN when trying to break a pinata.

Playing some wicked ball!

This was Eve's talent show and she was so cute. No one was dancing and so she took controll and started and then the other two girls follwed. They danced to Hannah Montana's new song.

All prepared in her Hannah shirt in what else?, but Aqua! lol

It has been a month! A crazy one, but it had a lot of good points, but I am ready to move on to June with bigger and better things to come. There is Father's Day coming and school lets out right before that and then we are going up to see our friends Jared and Erin. They live in Tacoma and they are having their baby blessed on Father's Day. I am soooo excited to see them since they moved and we have to grab the chance to go when we can. Finally on the 26 we will arrive in Utah!!! I can't wait to see my sister Amber, I love her sooooo much! It kills to have my best friend so far away. I am so thankful that she is a phone call away when I need her and I know she is always there for me and understands me more than anyone else I know. Well we will have more pictures later! See ya!

So Thankful For My Kids!

2009-05-26T00:30:00.001-07:00

I just came in from kissing my kids goodnight. I fall short in so many areas and I know I need to be more affectionate with my kids, love them, snuggle them, smell their sweet smells! My children are my life, they keep me going. When life gets tough I think of them and what joy and meaning they bring into my life. I am also learning how to recognize how different and special they are. I am so thankful that God has entrusted these priceless souls to us.

I came upon the news for a minute and came away with heart ache and tears. I have to honestly ask God WHY?! Why does such evil happen in this world? How do people get so far gone that they hurt others?

The news flashed that a 31 year old mother pushed her 7 year old daughter and her 4 year old son off a high bridge in Portland tonight. My 2 oldest children are the same age! I immediately thought about them and put them in that situation and staged it in my head. I could imagine the fear that my children would have and I am sure THOSE POOR kids had too! The facial expressions! The heartache! The terror! The loneliness! How horrible it must have been for them to have this mother who is suppose to be their guardian, the one who watches over them so that bad things don't happen to them to force them to a terrifying death. The girl ended up floating down the water and was about to go down and her brother died either from impact on the water or from drowning. A couple that own a house boat were out on their deck and heard some weird noises and disregarded it and then kept hearing it and they decided that it didn't sound normal so they went out on their boat and found that 7 year old girl fighting for her life. She was starting to go down and the man jumped in to get her and that's when the lady noticed she wasn't alone and her precious dead brother was floating by her! I could not imagine the shock and pain that they felt. This couple was so grateful to save that little girl, but they will always wonder IF ONLY THEY HAD GOTTEN OUT ON THEIR BOAT SOONER! What if you had to live with that for the rest of your life? I know it would always bring me sorrow and anguish. The only thing that comforts me is that God has this precious little boy and this little girl that was saved will be in a much better and safer place. I pray to GOD that angels were with these children and carried them and that this 4 year old boy didn't have to feel any pain. I hope to God that as soon as he fell angels took him in the air and carried the little girl. It is a mystery why we would be put in such situations because God knows what is to come, what will happen, what we will do... and still these precious souls were given to this mom who clearing wasn't fit. I don't understand why people don't recognize when they need help?! If you are thinking about hurting your children that is a major red light, to stop! We have no right to inflict pain on another, we are all God's children!!! I pray for the father of these children that he will have peace and understanding to what has happened and that he had no control over it! How could you ever trust your spouse or another human being with your children is beyond me. I just want to express how deeply grateful I am for my family and how they mean everything to me.

Stink'in Yardwork!

2009-05-20T00:06:00.001-07:00

This was my first project..I got rid of the nasty sand pit. The whole thought of neighborhood cats and dogs getting in there was enough for me so I decided to make a little flower garden. I though maybe in the future it would be more for Eve to take care of and be in charge of. You can also see all the yellow grass where I sprayed killer on it.

It is not so much fun taking up grass and I am rather sick and tired of it, but I still have a long way to go yet. All the green is where I am keeping grass and after it's done it will look great! We had a mad infestation of moss this year so I said to heck with it! I am taking up all the grass where it is prone to be more wet or mossy.

This took a few days to take up and put the stones and ground cover down. In the long run I know I will be happier with it and it will be much more appealing.

Jackson showing you the back.

YEP! A long way to go! arg...

I am taking out all the back grass too. My raised beds are in serious need of attention, but first comes first.

Eve looks sleepy in this picture.

That's my boy!

That's Daddy's boy!

"J man" loves mak'in faces.

Always something in his mouth.

"Can I get a WHAT WHAT?!"

What happened to my baby?!

2009-05-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

Another Mother's Day come and gone in a flash. I ended up having to work it because we are taking off for Father's Day and I can't have both off. I actually didn't mind too much, I know my kids love me and that's enough for me.

This month is already going by in a whirl and I have so many things on my mind and projects I am starting or in the middle of. lol- I have been doing some yard work and taking some of my nasty grass out. I am so sick and tired of grass! This year is the worst for moss and icky spots. I decided to heck with it! I am taking out some of it to make it easier on myself. I will love myself later for it even though I make myself mad now by putting me in this situation in the first place. But that is who I am, it is a constant tug of war. I love and thrive on projects. I am a super-duper multitasker /perfectionist. And when alls said and done and the task is finished I am left somewhat empty, but if I get overboard then I enflict poor health on myself from stress and allergies. uhg! Will someone help me?! ha, ha,ha...I am sure there have to be others like me out there. My family just thinks I am crazy and insane. It's the running joke that Geoff went to work and came home with different colored walls. Oh well! it keeps me going and happy.

I can't believe it is already coming up on the middle of the month and that means my vacation is that much closer! YAY!!!!!! I am so excited to go see my sister Amber and her family and get in all the church sites and temples. I am really looking forward to having this experience with Eve, Jackson and Manti. They haven't been on a vacation like this in over 2 years so it will be a blast!

As I said before about time going by so fast, I find myself looking at Manti every day and noticing it stealing a piece of his babyness. I honestly don't remember it going this fast! What is up? That little boy face is peeking through and about to take over! I just look and stare....what is he going to look like, WAITE! not going! IS! oh my goodness!! I can already see how individual he is, like as in...how he looks a lot like Jackson, but some like Eve too. It is crazy for me to experience this because it has always been hard to imagine the unknown. I have my girl and my boy and now this other boy who is all his own and so special- no one else like him in all the world. I sit back and think how thankful I am for these wonderful spirits and how I should take that time to be grateful a lot more. My fear is to be like Adam Sandler in CLICKE and fast forward through life only to jump ahead to a lot of empty memories. I could imagine being all alone and wishing with all my heart to have that time back and realizing it for the first time just how precious it was. I know that satan works on me and this is how he does it.

THE WORLD IS LOUD!

I know I need to be so much better about this. What is really important to me? I hope that you all cuddle your children up real tight and tell them just how much you love them and how important they are to you.

Epic Moment!

2009-05-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have learned so much over the years. I want you to contemplate about your own personal goals as you look through these pictures and when you read the caption at the end. I want to say that I am so thankful for my blessings, that Heavenly Father knows what is important to you and me and most of all my sanity. lol. I know what ever you put your mind to you can achieve!

- Me calling my friends after my momentous ocasion.

I have been real busy lately and thought I should see if my wedding dress fits! I figured it would give me some sense of determination to fit into it by the time I leave for Utah in the end of July. So I went to get it and I realized that the zipper lined up!!! Oh, my gosh!! I am in shock- who would've thought this could be happening right now?! I have 3 beautiful kids and my body has been a collision course. I have gained and lost so much the last 8 1/2 years of my life. I have yoyo-ed a total of around 160 lbs- I AM NOT KIDDING YOU! This is not how much I have weighed it is how much I have gained and lost!! 80 odd pounds here, another 40 there and some over there and a little more over my natural weight with my last baby. THANK HEAVENS!! It has been such a struggle and I am still figuring out who I am? Where do I belong? Where am I happy with? I like to look in the mirror and love the person that is staring back at me, I owe that to myself! I deserve that! My children deserve a mother that loves herself and is happy and in return - a better life for them.

My Wedding Ring

2009-05-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a difficult week.

You may be wondering why I have this picture up?
This is really the only picture I could find that showed my wedding ring.

I have been reflecting on my life quite a bit lately.
This week hit pretty hard and I found myself asking all sorts of questions.
After a rather rough couple days I went to work telling myself it will all be fine.
I went to wash my hands before I clocked on and my ring immediately slipped off and without thinking about it, impulsively I happened to catch it with my other hand all while I still had soap on my hands to perfectly slide on another finger.

The drain in our employee bathroom is open without any sort of a plug. It would've been lost! I have felt so emotionally drained and the last thing I wanted to do was work. When the ring slipped it was as if something had moved my body to catch it because I didn't even see it fall. It was like my body couldn't catch up to my brain the instant I noticed the feeling of the ring off my finger...bare skin!! It happened in a split second and I felt a rush of almost a heart crushing pain followed by a pure thankfulness to my Heavenly Father watching over me and knowing what that meant to me.

There was one of my friends in the room and she looked over at me with eyes wide open in shock and a mouth gaping wide. I asked her," Did you see that?" She of course had and was stunned that I caught it. I tried to control myself and choked back the tears as I had all week, and told her I really don't know what I would've done if it fell down that drain! I am sure I would've had an emotional breakdown, it's been a hard week.

I have had a few people comment on my ring lately and how pretty it is. I am not boasting that it is from Tiffany's or anything! But it is my ring and it is special to me. I had already lost my first wedding set the day I found out that we were having our first boy (Jackson).

So with that I wanted something that I could look at all my life and still love. I had designed the set I have now and had it made by a jeweler in Portland. My ring is just an earthly thing, but it means so much more to me. I have been thinking about all the memories it holds and promises it symbolizes. It used to be just shy of perfect and all sparkly and now I look at the scratches it has and how dirty it gets and understand the meaning of those as well (wear and tear). I chose a ring that was classic, an illumination of an eternal ring of diamonds with a metal that is stronger than others. This ring is pretty much me to a "T". I am so thankful for the love that it holds and the bond it strengthens.

Where did I come up with this?

2009-04-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

I had to tell you all the weirdest and most embarrassing thing.
To let you know upfront I have a very active imagination in my sleep and I tend to have some pretty vivid, off the wall dreams.

I had a very strange dream this morning that I was Bella from the Twilight series.

It was amazing to feel what I imagined her to feel.

I remember feeling the overwhelming sense of love for Edward.
After a little while things started to get really crazy and in an instant I fell in love with Emmet too.
I thought they love me enough to deal with this situation because it is too hard to choose, after all Edward was first....., but..I am having this desire to be with Emmet.
I have to admit I was a naughty girl and didn't tell Edward anything, he can't read my mind anyway!
After the last charade with Emmet I woke up.

I thought this was so funny because I took the test to see who I was compatible with and I got Emmet, but I really like Edward too.
I know in real life I do NOT have an Edward, but it would be nice to have a little more of that sensitivity that he has.

I told Geoff about my dream and he was not too thrilled and just rolled his eyes and said "Oh great!".
It was all too funny! He pretty much thinks I'm nuts anyway.

Lot's a Picts.

2009-04-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hello there! It has been quite a while since I last blogged. Our INTERNET has been shutting off quite a bit because of some little boy that shall remain nameless..ha,ha.
I have nicknamed him"little poo head"!

Other than that we have had a busy month so far. Geoff has been getting some overtime on the weekends and I am still working my 4 shifts a week and it seems like I have been there a lot lately too. Overall we are healthy and doing well and are thankful for our blessings.

I have been working out more and that has been a challenge. I was doing really good up until Easter. It really bites to see how much of a difference a week or two can do. lol

Oh yeah! I finally finished the whole Twilight series and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. I kinda wish I wouldn't have gone through them so fast. I guess I shall move on to new books. I am glad that I opened my self up to the reading world and have learned that there are entertaining books out there that are better than watching some movies.

Well, here are a bunch of pictures from Easter and misc. events from the month.

We found these feather clips that are spectacular and the craft store. I loved the black one and Eve wanted the white so it worked out perfectly. We are getting to that stage where we are going to have to borrow each other's things.

I love this picture, maybe I am the only one...it's just different.
Eve and Jackson went on a car ride with grandma and grandpa so I took Tiger out on the wonderful sunny day and took the camera.

Manti loves to go outside. He cries and stomps his foot by the front door when we don't let him go outside. He definitely has that fiery temper that comes out quite a bit lately.

He looks like a little man in this one. So cute!!

Ya, he didn't like this one so much.

I like the shadows in this.

I was trying to get him to touch the tulips and not rip them off.

I am so glad that I planted these tulips, they are gorgeous and amazing. I staggered them all around in all different colors, so they will hopefully multiply.

This was Easter. I went to church with the kids and Geoff stayed home to sleep so we could see both our families. We didn't really make a big deal out of baskets this year and talked more about the religious aspect, I felt it was more important to teach that to our children. However they scored at Mim and Bumps. he,he

The Easter egg hunt was only for the 3 kids, gee that was hard.

Playing with auntie Shelle while Mim was hiding the eggs.

We got these huge cookies in our baskets. They have the kids' names on them. Eve's is blue and pink and Jackson's is blue and green and Manti's is orange of course!

BUNNY EARS!-how appropriate for Easter.

I hope auntie Jesse doesn't get mad, but this is a picture off of the web came on Easter. This is our new cousin who is from Korea, I think he is about 9 months old? Jessie and Ben just had come back from there to pick him up. I am so happy to have him come to our family. He is simply adorable and I can't wait until our family sees him in person.

Jackson and his sweets.

This was so funny. It was a project Eve had to do for school. It's hard to see, but it shows all the different countries we come from. I love that Eve only owned up to Swedish, Jackson likes pink so that's his outfit. (he loves all colors, he just will own up to the fact that he likes pink!)
my hair is blond (not for a while) and Geoff's goatee is too perfect! lol and you can't miss the poof ball on the top of his head.

He's a silly guy.

Boys were out BBQ'in.

This picture is so great.

Love that smile!!!

Manti has been doing this thing when he laughs really hard, you know...knee slappers! ha,ha

They always have to play on my exercise ball and it drives me nuts.

Geoff snapped a picture at me and so I gave him a cheesy smile. He loves it!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

I felt very compelled to express my joy and thankfulness to my Savior this special Easter season.

In the everyday world Easter seems to be more about bunnies and candy. I honestly used to be that way and as the years have gone by I have learned to realize what Easter and the month of April truly means.

I am so grateful for the family in which I was raised in and the knowledge that I was given as the years have gone by.

I know that my Savior knows me and the true intent of my heart......

I wish to be good! I wish to be honest! I wish to be MORE LIKE HIM!!

I wake up daily to a picture that hangs above my wall in my room that shows Christ suffering for me with HIS Crown of Thorns. It humbles me to know that he went through this pain for me. How agonizingly painful it all must have been! And what brings me the most yearning to be close to him is because HE was all alone when HE took this upon himself. HE had been treated as if he had extremely sinned. I have sinned so much in my life, all too much! I know what it is like to have Heavenly Father's Spirit to cease within. It is worse than words can describe......But to have all humanity on HIS shoulders is unbearable!!!

I also think to myself...

What would it have been like to be there while HE was teaching?

While HE was being persecuted?

While be was being drug?

While HE was being nailed on that cross for ME and for YOU?

Would I have been strong enough to have declared my faith in HIM?

Would I have worshiped HIS feet and washed them with my tears?

Would I have laid out my life for HIM?

I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART I WOULD.

I LOVE MY SAVIOR,
HE was perfect, is perfect and always will be perfect for ALL TIME!

He did this purely out of LOVE, ONLY LOVE COULD CONQUER THE WORLD.

I wish to bear my testimony that I know the truth, and I am eternally grateful for it. I am indited to my Savior. I know that HE knows I am worth it. And through that I gain confidence, strengthening my faith and furthering my intent to spread the HIS Gospel.

There is no such thing as a religion that works for you, there is only one truth and that is the Gospel of Christ. We are so fortunate that God allowed this Gospel to be restored to a 14 year old inadequate boy. WE ARE ALL INADEQUATE! And yet THEY love us so. How humbling is that?!

I am so thankful for the PROPHETS that we are able to be directed by and receive inspiration from. I think how perfect a time for us to have conference the week before Easter so that we may be better prepared for HIS Spirit to strive with us.

Again, I am grateful for my blessings and all that Christ has done for US.

Mov'in On

2009-04-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

I had to write a follow up from my last blog update to say I finished New Moon this morning and I am excited to get to Eclipse. I have learned that I should just ask for both the books so I don't have to wait around. lol

Can I Stop?

2009-04-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I have started reading the Twilight Series and I cannot put them down!

I know a lot of people love them or hate them. But as soon as I saw the movie I noticed a lot of stuff that in was comparison with our beliefs. After this point I went to work and was talking about it to someone who loves the series and she said that the author was LDS.

I am probably the ONLY person who didn't know this.. ha,ha.

It all made sense to me; whether she meant to or not I saw a lot of comparisons, or symbolization. I thought about it and decided to read the the first book to see how I liked it.

I was surprised when I opened it and she had quoted the scripture about the Tree of Life, that was exactly what I told Geoff it reminded me of when I made him watch the movie with me a 2nd time.

I borrowed the book from a neighbor who has all the series and I thought...
"What the heck! It's not going to cost me anything!"

I finished it in about 4 days of reading off and on, that's with working at night too! lol

I got the New Moon from her on Monday before my shift and at about 10:oo in the evening I sat down to see what it held for me. It is now Wed. after non and I have read almost 2/3rds of the book...ha,ha,ha.

This is really funny because I don't think I have ever done this or wondered so much about a book before. I know it is kinda geared more for teens, but I must be young at heart and extremely immature.

Inspired Direction

2009-04-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

I feel very humbled and thankful this weekend for the many talks that were given this Spring Conference. I can honestly say that I have a testimony that they were divinely inspired for each and everyone of us. We could not have needed their words now more than ever!

I decided last conference that I would kind of jot down notes from the talks that were given so that I may receive more personal spiritual growth through their knowledge. This conference I made a point to keep it up and get out a spiral notebook instead of a tiny notepad which limited my writing space. I am SO glad I did and will return with another spiral next time.

It never ceases to amaze me the GOD IS GOOD! You cannot go through conference and not realize that yourself. Every single talk was perfect in it's own right. They all had a subject to talk on and somehow they all flowed together beautifully. We were all given spiritual food, rather a banquet to feast on. As I looked out on my table and saw all the wonderfully "prepared food", I noticed how individually beautiful all the dishes were and how I so wanted to partake of each dish. I feel well fed!

There are so many talks that struck me, but I wanted to share may favorites;
Robert D. Hales- Debt
I could not have asked for a more perfect talk! It was as if he was talking to me and knew exactly what I had been feeling and going through. Everything of which he talked on is was what I had been learning the past so odd months and finally came to a realize. Now this is all that could make sense in the end and so when he talked about the struggle of debt and the snares of the devil the Spirit confirmed that what I had learned was true! The key is to be aware and rise above our trials. I am comforted to know that my prayers are answered.

Allan F. Packer- Communicating with the Spirit &
Kevin W. Pearson- Faith in Jesus Christ
I have had to talk about this quite a bit the last couple times I have taught in Relief Society. In one lesson I testified of what this means to me, to have the Spirit with me constantly and said that it is an action, we must DO! To hear similar words brought me thankfulness to know that I am learning as thou would have me learn.

D. Todd Christofferson- Sacrifice=Blessings
Realizing what is most important, what is really priceless? We need to be happy come what may.

Henry B. Eyring- Affliction
This really touched me because I have had to humbly learn this lately. That doubt, sorrow, fear cannot co-exist with faith because one will take over the other; let's make it faith! In desperation we need to subject ourselves to the Lord and get on our hands and knees and plea.

M. Russel Ballard- Learn from our Past
Look to our elders for advice and respect them. I loved this quote and thought how true it is;
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it!"

Rafael E. Pino- Persevering
Immediately I choked up when he started talking about his sweet 3 year old daughter drowning in a flash of an eye. He spoke with true conviction of faith and sure knowledge of the plan of salvation for his family. ~
I thought about this horrible dream I had just a little while ago.
I had been preparing for a lesson and it was a dreadful topic. A lot of the lesson focused on the loss of children and I must have had this on my mind when asleep. I dreamt that on a vacation we lost our little Manti, we could not find him anywhere! I remember thinking it was in a blink that he was gone, an instant! We searched and searched fearing the worst. It was as if I could feel it in my heart that his little spirit was not with us anymore; it was anguishing!!! I had thoughts flash through my mind like a lightning bolt, WHY? WHY would Heavenly Father do this to me? TO HIM? He is just an Innocent baby! Time was flying by, but it was as if time was still for me, I could not for the life of me catch up to it and not matter what changed the fate of my poor Manti. I am his mother! I am was suppose to have looked out for him, it was my fault! As Eve, Jackson and I searched there was no avail and soon we learned that my suspicion was true. To make it worse it was because of a putrid and cruel act. As the police showed me a picture so that I may identify him I felt completely sick, violated, they had robbed my perfect child of a happy life and with those thoughts came a great enlightenment. All of this sudden..I REMEMBERED, I shoved those thoughts aside and recalled on all that I had been taught and had a true testimony of. An overwhelming sense of peace encircled me and brought me up. I KNEW THAT I WOULD SEE HIM AGAIN! HE WAS ALREADY SAVED BECAUSE HE WAS A CHILD!! God would NEVER forsake our children or us for that matter ( we learn to forsake ourselves). I am not saying that it wasn't still painful, but I remember feeling such hope and happiness. It was all so real and vivid in my mind thinking tomorrow I have to get up and learn how to face the day only to have Geoff wake me up and for me to realize what had all just happened was a horrible dream! I honestly thought I would never get to smell the scent of Manti again or experience his lovable hugs and see his contagious smile or hear his adorable laugh. I was still questioning what was real, had it really happened? and then I heard Manti laugh and in that instant reality settled in with a surge of thankfulness that ran throughout my soul! I will NEVER forget this experience in all my life, it was truly humbling to have a glimpse of what it must be like for those that have lost loved ones.

There are so many more talks that touched me and that I grew from, but I don't want to go on and on. I just wanted to express my gratefulness for such comforting words at such a trying time.

With Love- Sarah

March Madness!

2009-04-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

"SPRING CLEANING" is a term that some use..
-my kids have obviously opted to have never have heard it before.

I tried to explain why this ritual is so important, but all they are wondering is why the heck am I going through all this effort if we're NOT having a party???!!! AWE, they make me laugh! I in return ask.."Do want a nice mom? If so, this needs to get done!!"

Every year I feel the pressure and it will not simply go away. I have a whole list full of things that need to get done and so this is what are Spring Break is all about this year.

I have a picture of yesterday's task of organizing and cleaning our family room. We have these gorgeous mahogany bookcases that I LOVE! They are however a pain in the rear to clean. They have 4 glass shelves at the top so you can see all the dust and when you put on the lights that are up above the top shelf it is a hundred times worse! It's like my stress level shoots when ever this happens..."oh, I really need to clean that!" I think to myself.

I decided to take all of Geoff's MANY, MANY games and gear out of the "HALLOWED" bookcases and bring down a cabinet that has been in the bonus room to store it all. I found this cabinet at a place in down town Portland for a fraction of the cost of the SAME ONE at Restoration Hardware. For those of you who have never heard of this place it is WONDERFUL!! I am such a sucker for ANY KIND OF DECOR STORE!! I am not kidding by any means on this one, it's like a candy store for me. I just sit there and imagine what I would do if I had the means to buy what I wanted, oh! it would be so fantabulous!! "Maybe someday" I tell myself.

Notice the white cabinet..

After the task and feeling a little stress flying off my shoulders; it's a nice feeling!

This was a couple weeks ago after church when we came home we saw the big camera sitting there and decided to have a little camera shoot.

This picture cracks me up...he,he,he...
Those are definitely his "bedroom eyes", shoot! ya, that's right! I gave them to him!! lol

It's a cheesy smile, "but that's what makes me so great!" ha,ha (a line from WICKED)

Jackson BOND

OK, my hair looks really red in this one. I can't get my hair done for a little while so it has to do.

This one's for the boys!
I had to do an 80's pose.

I thought this would be funny.

Then Eve says "Mom, take a picture" and does the same pose. She is such a ham.

I don't have any idea on this one??? Maybe it's a 1st grade thing?!

What's with the tongue?

I had to get the camera for this one. We were doing some things around the house and I couldn't find Manti and this is how I ended up finding him.

As you see these pictures you need to see the "3 Little Maids" song~ it is too perfect for words!

This was on the day of the ice cream party.

He has the cutest smile.

Again with the tongue, what's up with my kids?

I am too a sucker for these rootbeer eyes. Just like his daddy's.

Geoff got Pinocchio for his birthday on blue ray, of course.

I like this one.

BOY'S CLUB ICE CREAM EXTRAVAGANZA!

We had some people over to celebrate and share in the goodness.

Geoff and his friends Will and Rob.

A Comforting Message

2009-03-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

I just came upon this scripture quote and it moved me to tears and it humbled me to know how much we are loved.

"I will go before your face...

I will be on your right hand and on your left...

my SPIRIT shall be in your hearts,

and mine angels round about you to bear you up."

Finding the Light

2009-03-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

I just was catching up on some of the blogs and I came across my friend Sarah's and I hope she really doesn't mind me copying it, but it really is something that I needed to hear today.

I had a sort of personal episode that I had to relive again and seek for help from my wonderful husband. I have to say I am so grateful for the Priesthood in my home. I am eternally thankful to my Savior for his loving Atonement and all the sacrifices he has made for ME. I am so happy that I have a wonderful Father in Heaven that loves me so and watches over me. I know he knows me better than I know myself.

I also have to point out along with my all knowing Heavenly Father he has sent me angels to protect and watch over me... he has sent me my sisters. This is the 3rd time that he has brought them to me in the last month when I needed them the most. It is amazing to me that as soon as the clouds roll in Linsy and Amber have both called.

After talking to Geoff and getting a Priesthood blessing I came upon this quote;

"This is Jeffrey R. Holland. He is one of the twelve living apostles on the earth today. Just as Christ had apostles on the earth in his time, He has appointed them in our time as well. I love to hear the words of inspired leaders of Christ's restored gospel on the earth today. Here is just one of many statements that has touched my heart..."-from my friend Sarah.

"First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him."

Thank you Sarah!